Anyone been through mediation?

Lol!!

You just won't be beaten will you Fiona? How did I know you would pick up on at least one thing I said!!

There you go, that in itself explains the born fighter within you except you choose to do it with words.

I did not mean I was fighting her or she fighting me or me fighting you or you fighting me. It is a known fact that us women will push for what is right and if you can call that "fighting" as a justification of that then so be it. She was "fighting" me by bringing me into the equation so I was "fighting" back to prove that resolutions can be made to keep both sides happy. Maybe "fighting" is the wrong word to use but us women would make great boxers!!! I would have loved to have talked to her if that had been possible so that I could make her understand my position and to help her realise how much money she was wasting in legal time by trying to persue me for something I didn't have!

My main point out of all of what I wrote earlier was the fact that his ex chose to bring me into the situation. I was "fighting" for myself as I felt I had no place in their divorce. However through her desire to keep all of the marital home, by including me in her "fight" to do so, she forgot one thing. Women will always push much harder than any man whether what we are pushing for is wrong or right. We are the stronger sex without a doubt. Therefore once I realised I was now being made part of a divorce that I wanted nothing to do with I now had no choice but to be involved but hopefully I used that involvement in a positive way trying to find a way forward that would be acceptable for both of them.

The idea I came up with was praised by the Judge who felt it was very fair! However, his ex wasmost unhappy with the outcome and was horrified by the fact that she had finally been made to pay up and was not going to get away with keeping all of the home. My point earlier was that if she had kept me out of it there is a possibility that I would have stayed out of it completely and let them conclude their divorce in their own way at which point I am sure she may have ended up keeping her home.

However, thinking about it I don't think I could have kept out of it completely because regardless of whether OBE was my partner or just a friend I would still have put my idea forward as a suggestion because I feel at their time of life where they are both coming close to retirement,both have debilitating ailments, have no kids to worry about, have both contributed whether it be financially or taking care of the home, at this point in their lives the split should be 50/50, no question! Why should one get more than the other? It is still a very very unfair system and I for one am so pleased I am not having to go down the route of divorce or involving the legal system in my affairs.

Even younger men get the chance to have the equity out of the marital home once their children are 18 due to the mesher order so why did she assume she could steal OBE's share at his time of life? It becomes far more important when you know that your working life is running out that you will at least get something back from the main thing you invested in all your life. Everything to do with this divorce was about her, about her illness, about the fact she only worked part time when she has had the past 20 years to go full time - she never did but that was nobody's fault but hers. About the fact she has to give up work, she doesn't have to, OBE can't, I can't, our solicitor was 64 she's still working, the lady judge was late 60's shes still working.......it goes on. So how come nobody gave a thought to OBE's working ability, age, ailments etc. Why? Because he is a man and most men are expected to be able to work regardless! That's why most of them "pop their clogs" before we do!!

I believe all the bluff she was giving about the sentimental side of giving up her home was rubbish. I do believe if she had won it all she would have sold and downsized and kept what should have been OBEs share. I believe she would have done everything she said wasn't possible!!

I am not angry for me, I was angry for him and you are right Fi there will never be complete resolution in divorce it truly is a sad time and I think in the main everyone misses one major factor. Life is far too short to constantly be battling! If only there were quicker resolutions,if only people could accept more easily that side of their life is over and move on to the next phase to find more happiness elsewhere. Its a sad old time eh?

I don't want to fight anyone, especially not you, I can't always understand a lot of what you say because you really do put it very legal but I do understand the basic sentiments of what you mean......I just can't always agree......it would be a very boring world if we did eh??

I also understand what you try to say about family and friends interfering and in some ways I know you are right when people choose to only listen to one side of the story, but I don't think I interfered and I felt I always kept an open mind about both parties reasons. I also know OBE didn't see me as interfering - I just wasn't given a choice - she made that choice for me.

Regards

OBEs 1

OBEs 1,

I think people see what they want to see and notice what will support their beliefs and prejudices, and there is little reliable evidence about the psychological differences between the sexes. The problem is traditional arrangements between men and women are no longer acceptable to many people, but society hasn't settled yet on a better way that works for both sexes or for children.

Marriage is a relationship of mutual dependency and it doesn't seem unreasonable to me that the law seeks to leave both parties on a similar (not necessarily equal) footing on divorce. People who don't want to be bound by the legal constraints of marriage have the option to cohabit instead.

From my POV it's somewhat tedious hearing how the system favours women when in our case my ex-husband received the lion's share of assets, but contributed little financially or practically to parenting. No state concessions for me either. Doh...

BTW the scientific reason men 'pop their clogs' before women is female hormones protect women against heart disease for longer.

Fiona, women do have lower rates of heart disease than men, but that's only one factor towards long life.
Anyone who wants to know why women live longer than men and the many little factors that affect how long you live can give me a call. Just make sure you've got an hour or more to spend....we actuaries don't get out much.
And, guys, cheer up. Women have much higher rates of sickness than we do!
Strangely, married women live for less than single women, but married men live for longer than single men. Another way women gain from divorce!

Anyway, back to mediation. Got my second appt in 8 days, and am cautiously hopeful. My wife is starting to realise how long a court action will take and she's desperate to get me out the house, so she may be prepared to give a little bit. That said, as her position is to have everything she'll have to move a long way. Here's hoping.

Yes, that was an over simplification. I didn't fancy writing an essay either. What's the life expectancy of single women engineers?

We used family mediation to sort out difficulties relating to the children but negotiated finances through sols. My ex held out for 100% of the assets for almost 4 years before conceding 30% to me. The factors that eventually swayed him were CGT liability on his share of the FMH and his girlfriend not liking the fact he was still married. New partners do have their uses.

Fiona, the life expectancy of a single female engineer is unknown - there have been so few there is little data. If it helps, I know a lot of female engineer jokes though (I was once one - an engineer that is).

My mediation on Wednesday will be interesting. I found a print of a letter to her sol that my wife inadvertently left out for me to see. My wife says in it that if she doesn't get everything she wants on Weds then she wants the sol to initiate an injunction to get me thrown out the house. She says she thinks that the mediator thinks I'm unnaturally aggressive (and I thought I was being calm when she pedalled lie after lie).
This explains the bizarre e-mails I've had recently with mad accusations on my behaviour. She's been setting me up.
It should make for an interesting start to the session.

As a further twist, she broke into my padlocked document case ("I accidently dropped it, it broke open and I couldn't avoid seeing...") with the copy of this document in........so relations are a little strained between us

Methinks I need to speak to a specialist solicitor, and quickly.

Oh heck, that doesn't sound too good. In order for mediation to be successful really there needs to be co-operation and a willingness to compromise in order to resolve matters in a way that can work for everyone. All I can suggest is disengaging and remaining as detached as possible. Easier said than done, I know.

If mediation fails I would recommend keeping a distance and negotiating through third parties ie solicitors. Although no one likes parting with money using a sol doesn't have to be horrendously expensive if you use them effectively, and it might save money in the long run. There's a useful bit about working with solicitors in the Divorce Guide, accessed from the Resources menu.

Having been teased without mercy for many years I know just about every joke there is about women engineers. I think it's safe though to deduce that as single women live longer and engineers aren't comfortable with risk (given that when an engineer makes one tiny mistake it's treated like it's a big deal or something eg Challenger, Tay Bridge, Chernobyl, Titanic) their life expectancy is quite good.

Fiona, thanks.
I've lots of confidence in our mediator. She's an ex-lawyer and in the first session she was straight to the point when required (backing my approach each time )

I've tried to avoid lawyers so far in order to avoid inflaming the situation, but my wife telling her sol to apply for an injunction to get me thrown out the house is such a hostile act that I've got no choice now.

As for female engineers, anyone can call themselves an engineer from a navvy (transport infrastructure engineer) all the way up to a PhD nuclear engineer, so it's difficult to say. I've known some female mechanics (lower than average) and female support engineers (higher than average). The last few varied from a ravishing beauty with time only for the rich and/or beautiful to one with a glass eye, lisp, gammy leg and a better moustache than me. I preferred the latter as she was at least human (if of indeterminate type).