Anyone been through mediation?

Sera
I am sorry you felt emotional and got upset at the sessions. I am surprised that after 11 years that could still happen. BUT were you using the mediation to resolve issues or as a spring board to try and get your ex to listen to you and hear your pain ?
I am glad there is a structure , let's hope it is followed. It is interesting that the mediator said he would not deal with emotional issues. I do hope my dp's experience is the same. There is extreamly minor issues to resolved (unfortunately they have major consequenses to my dp, and he thinks in a court she would not be granted what she is looking for). They really should not be issues at all but his 2bx just thought when she was 'done iwth him' no-one else would want him and she is sore because I came along. So the mediation is just her way of getting around a table with him and venting her feelings and frustrations.
Thanks Autumn and Sera for your views - it helps understand things. I never had to go through it - TG, and I think men are more practical and logical, they tend to bottle up or cast aside their emotions

I didn't get hysterical! I just shed a few tears at the sadness of the whole thing. We married in January, (this year!) and the last time I sat in a room with a bloke looking at us opposite, was a few months prior at my wedding ceremony.

It's all too soon. To go from newly wed bride to divorcee within a few short months, is more than anyone could tolerate!And for nothing! He just changed his mind.

OK, I'm going to be completely BLUNT and HONEST here... if I was in a new relationship (like you are) I would not be spending my time clearing up someone elses' stuff! You risk damaging your own new relationship with this man, and his past. You deserve a better space.

Let him and his ex deal with their stuff. It's a friendly warning, I took on a man who was bereaved, (said it was in his past, that he was in a good place with me). I also cleared up mess from his past, and supported an ex girlfriend of his with his child... and so I've spent the last two years+ praying for a time all the cr*p would be behind us, and we can have our happy new marriage!

And when I'd cleaned up, mucked out - guess what!?
I got dumped! Nice.

I don't want to see any of you new girlfriends in the same boat. You should be having a good time on a Saturday night. Of course you're welcome on this wonderful forum, but if I was you, I'd be not wanting to get too absorbed in his past life, and their dysfunction. If he hasn't given her 'closure', then be warned, that could be you one day!

Sera

x

Sera wrote:

OK, I'm going to be completely BLUNT and HONEST here... if I was in a new relationship (like you are) I would not be spending my time clearing up someone elses' stuff!

Thanks Sera, I guess each to their own, you must be still very hurt to have that happen to you so recently. I don't think it is up to my dp to give his wife closure, he is not responsible for his 2bx's mental health, only she can deal with that. She is the type of person that unless she gets everything she absolutely wants in life then it is someone elses fault. She is so bitter, unless she lets go of a lot of hurts, angry and ill feeling against others, she will never be happy.

There are lots of partners of divorcing people on this site, trying to help the new partners resolve lingering matters so they ca both move on, in my view that shows true committment to the new partner that you will stay with them through the good and the bad until s/he is out the other side and is free to make decisions and get on with their lives. Louise 11 and OBE's 1 are examples of 2 great ladies who have stood by their man and finally get resolution of the situation after many nerve racking episodes.

Good luck with your own closure I do hope it gets resolved for you. and thanks again for the comments.

Unfortunately with a highly conflicted divorce ending the legal process often isn't really a final resolution and acrimony affecting family relationships can rumble on for years or even a lifetime. That's why mediation, collaborative law or negotiation are better ways forward. Mediation is voluntary and can end at any time.

I think a great deal of patience, empathy and a thick skin are required to achieve an amicable divorce. Allowing someone time to readjust emotionally rather than pressurising to divorce/settle can work out quicker and cheaper in the long run.

American psychologists have identified two phenomena typically associated with acrimonious divorces;

negative reconstruction of spousal identity - the tendency of spouses to malign the other and rewrite marital history according to this view

unholy alliances or tribal warfare - when new partners (or friends, relatives etc) who, after hearing only the distorted view of one side take on disputes as their own, seek to right a wrong and protect their partner

Fiona said:
unholy alliances or tribal warfare - when new partners (or friends, relatives etc) who, after hearing only the distorted view of one side take on disputes as their own, seek to right a wrong and protect their partner


ooooooh Fiona!!!!!

I wish you would stop saying this about new partners taking these disputes on as if they were their own. You really do not understand this area at all.

I am not attacking you and I would like to make that clear from the start. I just want to make something clear about us New Partners that we do not take on the "distorted view of one side" only!!!!

Yes, obviously I am going to stand by my man BUT I am also a very well balanced sensible person who realises that things aren't all one sided there are good and bad in both and OBE has told me all his downfalls and hardly any bad stuff about his ex in fact he often tells me about the good times in his marriage more than the bad. I found out her pitfalls through his child and their best friends and they offered this information willingly,I never asked because it wasn't my place to do so!!! The main thing I found out about her was that she can be a very insular and stubborn person but again OBE backed this up by telling me about her parents and her childhood and that the reason she was like this was due to her upbringing - he is a kindly soul who constantly took the blame for everything that was wrong in their marriage even when it wasn't all his fault.

He told me if his ex had been prepared to sell and downsize so that he could have his percentage he would have been more than happy to go and help her do any maintenance work on her new house - he's that kind of person and I thank god for the day I met him!!

However, she is not quite so reasonable and it was she who decided to pull me into this case and at that point I had to fight dam hard to keep me out of it because I have problems of my own. Therefore, I had no choice in the matter but to be involved! This is the case for a lot of new partners on this site and many of them are like me they are not always the reason for the break up. OBE left his ex 7 years ago I have only known him for 3 years. I am trying to sort my problems out with my ex very amicably and therefore OBE doesn't have to be involved.

When Ex's get solicitors involved they are only too happy to involve a new partner because pound signs start to appear. However, not everything is as it seems and the reason I left my ex was due to the huge debt he continued to get us into. OBE's wife was convinced I was due to get a very big hand out from the sale of my former home and probably figured I could look after him whilst she kept his share of the house - greed springs to mind.

She didn't consider the many debts I have to pay off before I get whatever of my share is left and the fact that like her I have no pension and as I wasn't married to my partner cannot have any of his pension SO whatever I get should be of no consequence to her because I too have needs and as OBE is much older than me I have to think of my financial future as she was thinking of hers and I am blowed if some other woman is going to take my hard earned off me to feather her very comfortable nest whilst I end up working for the rest of my natural!!! So, through OBEs solicitor I made it very clear to her that she is very welcome to a half share in my debts if she would like that.....amazing how her solicitors started to back off but for 8 months they made my life hell whilst stupid little old me was trying to find ways of helping OBE and his EX resolve their problems that would help her keep her home and him able to get something back after all his years of hard graft to keep her comfortable. Something my ex never did for me!!! It was my idea that was finally rubber stamped by the judge. If I hadn't been there to find this out OBE would no doubt be licking his wounds by now!! So you see that was her fault for involving me in the first place!!! Us women are fighters, its a natural born instinct!

The difference between me and her is this. OBE only got awarded a very small lump sum and I am only too happy to help him look into ways to invest it properly for him....not for me. If he wants to involve me that is his decision. I helped him fight for that because she was being so stubborn and greedy and he deserved it - he deserved more but sobeit thats history now but as far as I am concerned that is his money, not mine!!!

When I get my equally small lump sum that will be mine not his. We have both made provision for our respective children. What we benefit from each other by way of earnings now is our only agreed benefit from each other. All other money is our own and there for our own use or for our own kids.

SO Fiona I hope this goes someway to prove that us New Partners aren't so bad and aren't so one sided either!!

Fondest regards

OBEs 1

Us women are fighters, its a natural born instinct!

Interesting choice of words, bearing in mind you said OBE's ex is stubborn!

Problem solving rather than fighting is the logical and practical way to reach divorce settlements. Recriminations of greed, bitterness or vindictiveness don't resolve matters and blame only serves to cause resentment and resistance. Marriage break-ups are never edifying, and regardless how the other party behaves the trick is to act graciously with restraint.

I don't suppose new partners are that bad, nor that they all take on the dispute as their own. Perhaps the circular nature of cause and effect in interactions implicates everyone involved. Nonetheless, statistically it appears new partners (and family or friends) who do take on the fight as their own are an important factor in conflicted divorces.

Lol!!

You just won't be beaten will you Fiona? How did I know you would pick up on at least one thing I said!!

There you go, that in itself explains the born fighter within you except you choose to do it with words.

I did not mean I was fighting her or she fighting me or me fighting you or you fighting me. It is a known fact that us women will push for what is right and if you can call that "fighting" as a justification of that then so be it. She was "fighting" me by bringing me into the equation so I was "fighting" back to prove that resolutions can be made to keep both sides happy. Maybe "fighting" is the wrong word to use but us women would make great boxers!!! I would have loved to have talked to her if that had been possible so that I could make her understand my position and to help her realise how much money she was wasting in legal time by trying to persue me for something I didn't have!

My main point out of all of what I wrote earlier was the fact that his ex chose to bring me into the situation. I was "fighting" for myself as I felt I had no place in their divorce. However through her desire to keep all of the marital home, by including me in her "fight" to do so, she forgot one thing. Women will always push much harder than any man whether what we are pushing for is wrong or right. We are the stronger sex without a doubt. Therefore once I realised I was now being made part of a divorce that I wanted nothing to do with I now had no choice but to be involved but hopefully I used that involvement in a positive way trying to find a way forward that would be acceptable for both of them.

The idea I came up with was praised by the Judge who felt it was very fair! However, his ex wasmost unhappy with the outcome and was horrified by the fact that she had finally been made to pay up and was not going to get away with keeping all of the home. My point earlier was that if she had kept me out of it there is a possibility that I would have stayed out of it completely and let them conclude their divorce in their own way at which point I am sure she may have ended up keeping her home.

However, thinking about it I don't think I could have kept out of it completely because regardless of whether OBE was my partner or just a friend I would still have put my idea forward as a suggestion because I feel at their time of life where they are both coming close to retirement,both have debilitating ailments, have no kids to worry about, have both contributed whether it be financially or taking care of the home, at this point in their lives the split should be 50/50, no question! Why should one get more than the other? It is still a very very unfair system and I for one am so pleased I am not having to go down the route of divorce or involving the legal system in my affairs.

Even younger men get the chance to have the equity out of the marital home once their children are 18 due to the mesher order so why did she assume she could steal OBE's share at his time of life? It becomes far more important when you know that your working life is running out that you will at least get something back from the main thing you invested in all your life. Everything to do with this divorce was about her, about her illness, about the fact she only worked part time when she has had the past 20 years to go full time - she never did but that was nobody's fault but hers. About the fact she has to give up work, she doesn't have to, OBE can't, I can't, our solicitor was 64 she's still working, the lady judge was late 60's shes still working.......it goes on. So how come nobody gave a thought to OBE's working ability, age, ailments etc. Why? Because he is a man and most men are expected to be able to work regardless! That's why most of them "pop their clogs" before we do!!

I believe all the bluff she was giving about the sentimental side of giving up her home was rubbish. I do believe if she had won it all she would have sold and downsized and kept what should have been OBEs share. I believe she would have done everything she said wasn't possible!!

I am not angry for me, I was angry for him and you are right Fi there will never be complete resolution in divorce it truly is a sad time and I think in the main everyone misses one major factor. Life is far too short to constantly be battling! If only there were quicker resolutions,if only people could accept more easily that side of their life is over and move on to the next phase to find more happiness elsewhere. Its a sad old time eh?

I don't want to fight anyone, especially not you, I can't always understand a lot of what you say because you really do put it very legal but I do understand the basic sentiments of what you mean......I just can't always agree......it would be a very boring world if we did eh??

I also understand what you try to say about family and friends interfering and in some ways I know you are right when people choose to only listen to one side of the story, but I don't think I interfered and I felt I always kept an open mind about both parties reasons. I also know OBE didn't see me as interfering - I just wasn't given a choice - she made that choice for me.

Regards

OBEs 1