lost

God my wife is doing my head in. How can a ''mother'' not appear to care less about her kids. It is so hard to see the kids who dont want to speak to her any more get upset. She wants to see them tomorrow, I think they''ll refuse. My middle child thinks their mum has left to have another baby because whenever she calls them the new blokes grand kids are screaming in the back ground.
This so hard and she doesn''t care.

Confused
I think the person that leaves is often so wrapped up in their new relationship they don''t think of the hurt they are causing.
My stbx used to sit texting OW all the time when he was out with my son. He was 19 at the time but it really hurt him and as a result he believes his dad doesn''t care about him asd much as he does about her and their relationship has suffered as a result.
You keep reassuring your children, it must be really hard if they are young but you are doing a great job. Take care.

I am still stuck in the place where I am looking for some good in her, some trace of the women I fell in love with, married, shared a life with... It is so hard to think she''s gone, then I drive myself crazy with questions like ''when did I lose her?''... It is feels like an endless ordeal

It will feel like that for you at the moment.

Try not to think about the reasons why, it will drive you mad and serves no purpose.

She has moved on and you may never know the reasons why. One thing is for sure though, you mustn''t blame yourself, rarely is it one persons fault.

As hard as it is, reassure your children that their Mum loves them and leave it at that.

It does and will get better for you.

confused2013 wrote:

I am still stuck in the place where I am looking for some good in her, some trace of the women I fell in love with, married, shared a life with... It is so hard to think she''s gone, then I drive myself crazy with questions like ''when did I lose her?''... It is feels like an endless ordeal

The things you say are all part and parcel of the early days, "why did this happen". "What did I do wrong". "When did she leave me in her head". "How can she do this when she is supposed to love me" and so on. Your bound to ask all these questions. And the truth? No one knows. She dont know. You dont know and I dont know. We will never know. Cos no one does. On thing in common that I have found is that when you ask someone why they left or cheated on someone they come out with a lot of justifications. But no reasons. Its like all thats in their head are justifications. And I think that they have put them there. For this very convo that I have with them. To justify and sometimes demonise the ex. One week you can be king of the hill. Next week, your the devil incarnate. And this is based I think on the fickleness of some people.

Of course there are those with sound foundations. People that wont and dont cheat. But they are made that way. People of substance and upstanding. But that is not your ex. She is another class of person indeed. One that cant stick at anything. Constantly searching. For something that doesn''t exist. She cheated on you. That means that she will cheat on him. And if he has cheated on his ex, he will cheat on your ex. These people are based on quicksand. Always have to be moving. Cant settle. Get bored quickly. Do not find the simple pleasures endearing. Fail to see the good in someone. Do not understand the meaning of staying true to themselves and or others. This is your ex wife.

Bet you have way too much time on your hands now? A huge hole where she used to be. I understand this. I was like this at one time. But the hole does heal over and or you find other things to fill it with. I wish I had all that free time now. I could use it now. But in the years between start of 2006 and now, that hole that my ex used to occupy has gradually filled. With friends, activities and all sorts of other things. So you start out with a blank sheet, but it soon fills up. Trust me on that one.

But you will have to go thru all this soul searching and self flagellation. Its something we all have to do. And its part of the "getting to know me" thing we all do. And getting to know yourself is vital. You have to know where you are strong and weak to rebuild yourself and your life. One brick at a time. From the foundations up.

The women you fell in love with has gone. Its like you was dating someone and they finished with you. And what you found is that sweet lovely person has been replaced with this vile monster. Its like they have been possessed by some evil being. But they have not. You are just seeing the other side of this person that was always there, but was never exposed.

During life''s short journey, you will meet people. Some you will love and some you will despise. Some people will treat you well and some will treat you badly. But with all these encounters, you may want to remember the good bits. Not dwell on them but smile at the memory. And thats healthy. Its unhealthy to be affected by anything bad that happened long term. So your aim should be setting this aside so that you can continue your journey. So in time, I hope that you can look back upon the years you had with her and smile at the good bits and realise that that was then, but this is now. And look towards the future with hope and optimism that things will get better. PS, sorry for the life lesson. But its important not to lose sight of the quest... C.

Dont apologise Marshy, your insight has been, and continues to be of great value. Thank you

Well, my wife has the kids, till 1pm. I am home alone and this is really horrid. She has taken them to the park, it is freezing, and snowing. Then she is taking them for lunch at Greggs.
I asked her about the future, she was non committal, but said things were fine how they were... How can she be the only person to think this is normal, or anything close to fine.
She appears so calm, so cool, like this is an everyday thing.