lost

Everyone says I am still in the early stages, but it feels like a life time, I am sure everyone knows what I am talking about... Two weeks, feels like 2 months or longer.
When my wife picked up the kids today she said she was pleased as to how things were going (wtf did she mean by that) she knows me so well, she knows how to prey on my insecurities.

Confused,

You have answered your own question, she knows what buttons to press with you.

Who cares what she means by it !! She probably hasn''t got a clue herself !

Yes we do know what it''s like and the advice we are giving is based on similar experiences,by coming through the other side and looking back at the mistakes we made!

The very best thing you can do is to pretend that your life is great without her in it. You don''t have to feel this, just put a brave front on when you have to see her. Other than when she picks the kids up, don''t allow her to have a glimmer of what your life is like now.

confused2013 wrote:

I feel bad because I keep screwing up and not following his solid advice.

Your going to make mistakes and not follow advice. Not becuase its good or bad. But becuase to do some of the things we ask is hard. And its against your nature. But we understand. We have been there. Its easy to dish it out. But hard to act apon. We will just keep plugging away. Little by little it will sink in and you will start acting on it.

I so wish she''d just go away, we dont need her...

You dont mean that. Perhaps for you, you do. But the kids need there mum. So its a bit of an unfair thing to say. This is one place where you have to where two hats. One hat for you and the other for the kids. And you have to start thinking with two brains. Hard as you only had to think with one. Now two. C.

confused2013 wrote:

Everyone says I am still in the early stages, but it feels like a life time, I am sure everyone knows what I am talking about... Two weeks, feels like 2 months or longer.

Well I do. Yes its like this at the start. So much has happened it seems like you have lived your life in two weeks. But it is early days. As the weeks turn into months, life will slow down a bit. And you will start to get used to this situation and you can make a start on acceptance.

When my wife picked up the kids today she said she was pleased as to how things were going (wtf did she mean by that) she knows me so well, she knows how to prey on my insecurities.

No one really knows anyone. She is just doing her thing. And the insecurities that you have are yours. I doubt that she is trying to play to them. She is trying to make sense of what has happened and restart her life. It will be just as hard for her as it is for you. Perhaps in some ways harder for her as those kids came from her body. Her bond is stronger then yours is because of that.

I dont know what she meant by she is "pleased with how things are going". It could mean that the kids are not suffering as much as she thought they were and the kids are adapting well to the situation. Which I suspect they are. But it will be a worry for her in case they turn on her.

You have to remember that the kids are her priority. Not you. Sorry to say that. But that is how she will think and I suspect that its killing her to spend so much time away from them. Dont think for one minute that she isnt struggling. She has to be. Any mother would. I am not siding with her. I am just trying to map it all out for you so that you can start to understand what this is all about and what''s going on. To try and dispel the myth that all is roses round the door for her. It wont be.

I know what you will think now You will be thinking why did she leave then if she loved and missed the kids so much. Thats something else entirely. And that is for her to know and us to guess at. I dont know however. And I wont try and guess. But as I have said to you before and others have said, its rarely a rash decision. Its usually planned in advance and thought over for months and months. So if you want to understand why she is so indifferent towards you, this is why. But forget about asking her. All you will get is justifications. No real reasons.

For her to up and leave her kids is a massive step. Any mother will tell you this. You can be sure that she did agonise over this. Its not something any mother does lightly. Again, you will think that this is your fault and its something you did. If it was something with you or she thought that the kids would come to harm, she would have found a way to take them with her. But she didnt. Her actions showed us her true intent (More on that in a min) So that tells a heck of a lot. Remember I said about its what people do and **NOT** do that tells us a lot? This is one of those times.

A lot of the learning you will do will be about people. What they do (and dont do) and why. Most of us dont interact with people in this way. There is no need to understand the Milkman or the women behind the checkout. So looking at people in a new and different way will be beyond you right now. But to understand her, you need to understand people and what motivates them and why. And in time you will pick up enough life skills to work this all out. But not from her. She wont and cant help you in this space. You have to work this out for yourself.

But, you may never know the reason(s) for why she did this. But she did. And again this tells us a lot. But as I said above, no need to ask. (I know you will) and all you will get will be justifications that she has invented to justify to the world why she did this (including you and her new man). All part of the new life she has built for herself. Most of the things she will say will be untrue. People often do this.

Lastly. Something to ponder on. There are two facets to people. What they say and what they do. What they say is just sounds made. Most of the time, we can disregard what people say. Except times when its information. Like the words, Duck (as in get your head down) and perhaps you have won the lottery (yesss). The rest is just a jumble of words. So listen. Not just hear. But listen and work out if the words are information or just a jumble of sounds. Its hard to really listen. Some women will say that they have "told him that the relationship isnt working and he hasnt listened". This was a case where information was given and the man, didnt listen. Or try and work out what the sounds meant.

The other facet is actions. This is where it all happens and our actions betray us. She may have said on Tuesday, "I love you and will never leave you". But on Thursday, she left. This is actions at work. And her actions betrayed her and her true intentions. Words and actions are a pet study of mine Dont disregard actions like you can with words that are not information. She may have said the words "I will never leave you again". But in the end, she was betrayed. By her actions. This is why actions are very very important.

I am sorry I went on a bit with this one. I didnt mean to. But some of this stuff will help you. And its not like you dont have any time on your hands now is it to ponder So try and make some sense of what I said. It will help you to gain acceptance. Which is a massive hurdle. And one that some never manage to conquer. And that leaves them in a limbo land until the day they die. I call them the lost and the lonely. Just dont let that be you. C.

Thanks for that. Dont apologise for solid advice. It does all make sense, and I am good when she is not about, or not on the phone. She has just left after collecting the rest of her things, new man was there too, and I played nice. I tried to speak to her, she wont have it, she was smiling and appeared happy, I think she is just too good at it, I tried to be, but other than not smacking the bloke, failed.
I know people lie, as you say, but the thing I cant get out of my head is her saying '' I love him more than the kids'', cant shake that. How can any mother say that. She has never asked how I am coping, never asked me how the kids are, how they are coping. She calls and asks what they had for dinner, or what''s on tv, just lip service!
She makes me want to scream.

I really just dont get it, she is just so different and odd. Why wont she speak to me, one day, chat about anything, next day unable to speak!?!

confused2013 wrote:

I really just dont get it, she is just so different and odd. Why wont she speak to me, one day, chat about anything, next day unable to speak!?!

Its probably because she cant face the questions as she doesnt have the answers or ones she can supply you. Some people do things on a whim. Most dont however. She may know what her justifications are. But she is not telling. And she knows you want to know. But is tight lipped. Added to all this she knows that you took her back and she perhaps feels shamed. Although the last one is up for grabs. Not everyone feels shame for their actions. If you think you knew her. You dont. Remember that one.

Play nice be nice. Ok not overly nice. No need to offer them (or her a cuppa) but dont be nasty. That is not how you play this game. If you see her again, act as if she is not there and act happy. Not happy to see her. Just happy. She is invisible. That should do it.

No need to smack him in the mouth. That wont do. And that shows you care. Which you shouldnt. And will get you into trouble double quick. No need to do that.

She didnt mean what she said about loving him more then the kids. Love between two people that are not related by blood is different to direct blood love. Direct blood love as in your parents or your kids is unquestionable and unconditional. Parents will die for there kids. But its not often that two people give unconditional love. And she was wrong to say that. Its not real. And its also not true. She wouldnt die for this man. Stupid thing to say. Perhaps she is a dreamer. Could be?

She wont ask how your doing. That invites all sorts of things that she dont want to go near. This is not like Cat and Alfie. Where the script is written to expose raw emotions. Not being patronising. But someone said that to me the other day. I smiled. Thats why it came to mind here. People are not generally like that. Also, she doesnt want you to ask questions as she doesn''t perhaps have the answers. Also, she fears you and what you will say to the kids. Perhaps turns them against her. Lot going on here. But the only one who knows whats what is your ex. And she is tight lipped. Better leave it there. Enough essays for today. C.