lost

confused2013 wrote:

How can she be the only person to think this is normal, or anything close to fine.
She appears so calm, so cool, like this is an everyday thing.

What is normal? Normal is right now.

It is for her. And you must get used to it. This is how it will be for a while. But what is it you want to happen? I know you want her back but what else? You all have to get used to the new situation. She has you there as she has planned this. I wouldnt speak to her. There is nothing to say apart from pick up times and things about illnesses and so on. What do you want to do now? How do you see this progressing? I would start planning for your future.

C.

Marshy, I dont want her back, no way could I have her back, I just find it really hard to deal with her indifference.
She dropped the kids off, left the car she came in, said I could have it (I dont want it, god only knows what she''s done in it), and left to be picked up by other guy.
I have trouble getting my head around the concept that this person I have shared half my life with will no longer share anything with me. Anything she does now is none of my business, is she now buying a new car, she seems so happy... She has this new life, I feel trapped by the old one, and then that makes me feel guilty. She breezes into the kids lives for an hour, then breezes out again. She is having the best of everything, and the worst of nothing, it is not fair...
She has no interest in my life, what I am doing, how I am coping, no interest in the kids into any depth, short of what they had for dinner etc... Complete indifference...

You may not want her back. But right now you would have her back. You wont be strong enough to resist her. You took her back before remember. What you do in your past is what you do in your future. Ok, its bad for you to have her back. Think you know that. Its important that you understand yourself. Where you are weak. Where you are strong.

Ok understand it. She has moved on physically. She did that in her head some time ago. This is why she is indifferent to you. But you can do indifference. Its easy. Dont answer her. Dont speak to her. Dont have anything todo with her. And ignore her. Works great actually and will drive her nuts. I will come to that a bit more later.

No your not trapped in the old life. The old life has ended. You cant have that one back cos its gone. So you cant be trapped by something that doesnt exist. So where you are now is in limbo. I liken it to being between two doors in a short corridor. The door behind you is closing and the one ahead has not opened yet. You cant see your future. Its there though. You just have to earn it.

She doesnt have this amazing life like you think she has. It never works out like that. She has a new life. One that has started. But she is ahead of you. Your''s has not started yet. You are trapped in the corridor.

People always assume that the grass is greener. My ex said to me once that I was living the life of Riley. Well she didnt actually say it. It was written down on some court paperwork. The truth on the other hand was something else. I had a miserable life. But to her, I had it all. See? How perceptions can be deceptive? And we judge. We judge others by what we see. Appear happy so they must be. It can all be an act.

While I was living at pain HQ during 2006, during what I call the troubles, I invented someone called Tina. Tina was my age and she bought me coffee and she used to write things on the cardboard cup. For me to see. The reason why I invented Tina? As a little bit of payback. And boy oh boy did it work. So much so, that my ex rang my works once trying to find this Tina:laugh: That went on for weeks and weeks. And it gave me great pleasure to wind her up. She hated the idea that I had friends (which I didnt) and that someone took an interest in me. Which they didnt. Now of course this is a game. But I wanted payback. And thanks Tina. U did a great job darlin

But if my ex had half a brain (which she doesnt) she would have seen thru me in a second. And becuase of the GIGOTOS syndrome, I got her. And I got to her. But remember, its not as green as you think it is.

But all that glitters is far from gold. Happiness is just a state of mind. And she is probably faking it. Like I used to do when I saw my ex. And with Tina bless her. Whip out the old phone and pretend someone had called me. And smiled. And laughed. And that gave my ex the impression that I was happy. Which of course at the time, I wasnt. But I didnt want her to know that.

So I want you to do something.

I have told you this before, seem happy generally. Seem happy that she has gone. Smile in her presence. Laugh. It may be false. But it will have the desired affect. It will have the same affect on her as she has on you when she seems this way. You have all these new friends. Marshy is taking you out to meet some people later for a drink. Shoes has invited you round for a bit of supper. See? Easy..

Lastly.. Want to let you into a little secret. Setting up a new life with someone new and not seeing your kids all day every day is hard. This person has to get used to everything. And she has lost a lot. And despite what you think, she wont be happy. Not yet. So dont feed her. She feeds on you being miserable. So dont be. I hope this is starting to make some sense. A lot of what you learn will be about people. How they react. How easy it is to fool someone into making them believe something. This is what this process teaches you. You learn to work someone out just by looking at them and what they do and mostly what they dont do tells you a heck of a lot. C.

Marshy is absolutely spot on.

One thing I would like to say is this ...you think she has the best of everything?? Well she doesn''t. You have the children and they are the best , what she has is a new life built on lies and upset.

You have to try and move forwards now as hard as it is.

My footnote on my posts is my mantra and has worked for me.

Marshy is a legend, and I feel bad because I keep screwing up and not following his solid advice. I so wish she''d just go away, we dont need her...

I second all Marshy and Blue have said. Don''t for one moment think she is having a better life than you. She''s not. It''s all surface stuff, because what really matters now is are the children OK; are they being cared for and are they thriving? Occasional visits from their mother is not nearly enough. She’s a foolish woman if she doesn’t realise that her children will grow up, and she will long for this time again, by which time it will be too late, they will be grown.

One of the good things about being with children is that they live in the present, and they don’t think much about the past or future. Being with them is a gift for you as they will help you to live in the here and now.

I guess you have no idea at the moment of what you want for your future, as it’s enough to get by day by day. Just let it unfold and trust in yourself, your love for the children and your integrity. This will get you through this phase in your life to the point when you will see what you want for yourself but for the immediate future just concentrate on taking care of yourself. xx

You don''t get lines if you don''t do the homework Marshy sets you! Just keep thinking about the advice and it will sink in. I still take inspiration from Marshy''s words to others to put things in perspective for myself.

Working through the emotions takes time and you''re in the very early stages of this. xx