Why do I need him to understand

I think this is where it all starts to go wrong, When one person is trying to make the other happy. Any relationship is first and foremost about being equal, No relationship should be any different, ok one person may earn more than the other but what's important is emotional support not financial support, that is the main thing.

There seems to be so many people asking the same question as you, but a marriage can't be saved if only one person is trying so don't blame yourself for this. You feel like you have wasted the last 20 years but I'm sure there must of been some good times in there?, and anyway it's not about the last 20 years now it's about the next 20 -30 years !! Make sure you make everyone of them count.

As I have said before '' This isn't the end, this is the start of you new life''

Have a great future, Do what you want, and enjoy every minute of it !!

Take care and good luck

Phoenix 1

PS


Matt
''Sorry guys, but deep down we're all insecure, thoughtless, controlling bullies, and don't you try to tell me otherwise.''
Well I will tell you otherwise !! Insecure, maybe but a thoughtless and controlling bully NEVER !!

Jude

hun (((hug)))

i am so with you on this one - i want exactly the same -

i want him to feel how i've hurt all these months (its only been 4 and abit) i want him to see how much ive cried - not cried sobbed my way through the pain....

i want him to feel the pain- god i didnt ever think pain existed like it...

its so hard - and i understand what your going through....

we'll come out this just like everyone does.....and we can use the experience to be of benefit to others....to help others when they need help...

what we all need to do is to start thinking of our lives and our futures.....thats whats important now....not the prats (male of female) who have put us through hell....

take care..
daisy
xxx

Hi Matt
It takes alot of guts to admit to your mistakes. I'm sure I am speaking on behalf of most peeps on here. That's what we hope one day our other half will realise. Trouble is its always too late for the marriage. But it isn't too late for you Matt. Learn from your mistakes and move on with your life. I wish you all the luck and happiness. I pray one day that I can say that to my husband instead of hating his guts.

Ok.......you got me........... Once again im judging the whole male race on my own standards,not anyone elses. typical of a control freak? like i said before, i am blinkered and short sighted. . so its just me i guess. Ty pheonix, that hit home. x

Hi Jude

This is my first reply on this site - what you wrote really struck a chord with me.

I left my husband nearly 18 months ago now, our divorce was finalised a few weeks ago and I hope we're nearly there with the financial stuff.

I learned, last week, that he has a new girlfriend and I am so angry that he has been able to move on when he was the one that hurt me so badly and I am still struggling with the way he treated me. I have been feeling a huge urge to let him know exactly how I feel about him - something I haven't done at all - and a few days ago sat at my computer and wrote to him. 5,500 words and 4 hours later it was a very carthatic experience. I have had a lot of time to run through everything in my head and it wasn't hard to put into words, just took a while as there was a lot there.

I don't know if I'll ever send it - certainly I won't send it until after everything legal is sorted out. I have asked a few friends to read it and am pleased that not one has said I sound bitter, but - like you - I am wanting some acknowledgement from him that he hurt me.

At the very least it has been very helpful to me to get everything down, in my own words, in one place. Perhaps try it if you feel you can?

I read Miserable's blog before replying to you - he is right, though with the best intention in the world it doesn't mean that it's easy to accept. We all get there in our own time in the end.

take care
CCB

I think we all want them to undersand our pain and recognise their part in it. I have lived with a man who verbally abused me and left me 3 months ago. I only recognised his abuse after through counselling - i tried always to smooth things over and cut him off at the pass when i saw him start to go off in company.
i think they will never recognise their part or responsabliy and one of the main reasons is that to do that is to admit they have some faults. it is also an admission of guilt. to do so weakens them (in their own eyes)
a bully is a bully is a bully and to recognise that inthemseves is such a hug thing that whether they ever do face up to their own and our feelings - we cannot control.
i am tying to not let these feelings overwhelm as i realsied that 10 years of trying to explain and him refusing to listen - he will never listen or recognise.
so it is up to me to try to take control and grab hold of my self esteem and move on, without him. i dont need his approval/dissaproval any more. if he could ave recognised his part then perhaps I would not be here!!
good luck and lassoo your own self esteem - you are worth more than his opinion/thought/disrespect.