Why do I need him to understand

This topic looks very dodgy for a bloke to contribute to, I expect to get shot down in flames...........but here's a husband's view of "Why do I need him to understand what I feel"

So a lifetime ago (~9 years) my wife's constant statement was that "He has to feel what I feel, he has to understand what I feel." This would then be followed by prolonged descriptions of all the wrongs I had done her. The scale of all this completely escalated & dominated our family life. So the Doc refers us to some friendly help. The shrink tried his best to explain that I do empathise with her (I did, I could see she was very unhappy), but also tries to explain that I can't feel what she feels, I can only empathise. My stbx is unable to accept either of these points. So there is no connection between us. After 7 years of varying degrees of my wife deriding me me for "Not feeling what she feels, not taking any responsibility" I am completely demoralised & alienated from not only my wife but also my kids - I left.

For reference, I never expected my wife to feel what I feel - I would hope for empathy, but not to feel what I feel. If I'm down I would want my partner to feel strong to be able to give me some support.

So - this is just my experience & perspective from the other side of the fence.

Comments welcome!

Kalamri

Thanks for your comments Kalamari it is always good to here the other side of the situation and as you said you can only empathise. that would have been a good start in my mind my x2b just closed up and went to find love else where with a women he thought he was in love with but now hates.

He even said to me "I know you love me and would do anything for me but I just don’t want to be here anymore"

I suppose this has left me feeling I don’t know what else I could have done.

Again thanks for your comment and I am willing to listen to anyone who may help me understand not just make me feel better.

Jude x

Maybe if they understood what they did to us, there would be a chance that they might change?

Maybe it's difficult for our heart's to let go of that bit of hope, even when our heads know they can't and never will change.

Em. x

Its only been a week since he left and I have realised our relationship can be labelled abusive.

Every day I have to stop myself feeling sorry for him. I know, I know - that's the problem (Lol)! It's so difficult when you have been the one trying so long and hiding stuff and making it ok. Say it like a mantra "It's not your fault - it's his, It's not you fault - it's his".

You can shut off your feelings and I suppose that's why you want them to admit how terrible, wrong and destructive their behaviour has been. So you can offload the responsibility and guilt!

You need to retrain your thoughts. Personally I am going to go for some counselling for myself to unlearn these feeling of responsibilty and guilt. If I am going to do anything I am going to go forward with life positively - a 2nd chance of whatever it will be.

Good luck to all xxxxx

Jude
You say many things here that touch my heart. My wife has said that i was too demanding and things were never up to my standard. I never meant for her to feel that way though. I didn't ever take those sorts of comments very seriously. I only wish I had now. I would love to chat with you, you might be able to help me understand why she has been so cruel recently and what might have been the straw that broke the camels' back in my relaionship.
I wish my wife would feel a need for me to understand her. She has stopped all communication.
You take care Jude,
Mog

Thank you for your comment Jude - I felt quite relieved when I read it!

Determined stated

It was interesting to hear Kalamaris view. But with guys like him no one would ever say he was in the wrong

.

Please do not assume that I never admitted I was wrong. Believe me I did, profusely on many occasions - far many more than the times where I felt my apologies were accepted. After working at the marriage for 8 years my emotional resources were blown - I cannot judge if my apologies were well expressed or not - probably not - but in the end I could judge I had no more to give.

Best wishes

KalamariB)

For me the overwhelming question is "will he do it again?"

He has a (now) 10 year old daughter who I became very close to during the time we were together. For medical reasons he cannot help the way he treated me (not making excuses for him btw), and he will relapse and do it again - it's the nature of his depression.

He has a new girlfriend and I understand he's happy which is great. But I feel a responsibility towards this woman (I don't know her) as she will end up being treated the same way he treated ex-wife 1 and me. And she will get hurt. And more importantly his little girl will get hurt again too.

I've reached the stage where I accept I need to move on and no longer be bitter about the way he treated me - but do I, do we, have a moral responsibility to prevent our exes treating future partners in the same way when children are involved? It's a hard one - deep down I know it's none of my business.