Why do I need him to understand

Thanks Emma for your comments.

Who knows what in time I will get by the way of an apology. I hope it does come but I suppose if it doesn’t come I will just have to accept he will never say sorry for how he has hurt me and my son.

I am a fixer and I try to sort things out this is just my way of trying to sort myself out. I have stopped trying to sort out my marriage as I know there is no longer any point.

Jude x

Thanks for your comments Determined.

OK - Big question for you all. How do I explain to my stbx that it's over. She is still questioning it, even after 16 months of separation & a long period of previous difficulties. My feeling is that I do not have the emotional resources for further attempts at reconciliation.

All advice welcome! (especially as tomorrow, Monday, is the next mediation mtg........)

KalamariB)

Hi Kalamari,

Sorry, I do not know your circumstances, so can only say what worked for me. My ex kept on trying for a reconciliation, even after he had left the MH. So......

Tell the truth, the whole truth. Leave no doubt. Even tell her the bits that you'd rather avoid, 'cos you're either embarassed or don't want to hurt her.

Oh I know this is so much easier said than done, and I assure you that I had (and sometimes still do have) problems with this. I too am petitioner and it took me far too long to realise that I had to admit the truth first to myself and then to my ex.

It will be hell, but may help bring about acceptance and closure. Not sure what type of mediation session you're going to. But it may be the very best place to take the bull by the horns. You will both get supported.

Hope this may srtrike some chords with you, otherwise just ignore me!

Good luck

Em. x

I think i would want him to know that I cannot believe he is sorry or that there were problems with "us" while he is with his new younger version. If there are problems then talk them through and try to make it work but don't get a newer younger model and then say that there are problems.

I want my stbx to understand that he lost all credibilty when he lied about the affair. He was too busy expending energy on her to even try and fix any perceived problems with "us".

I would love scumbag to understand how sad I am, and to have him say sorry, but I don't think that will ever happen.
He thinks it's my fault we are getting divorced, because I went to a solicitor. His visits to prostitutes were nothing to do with our relationship-it was just how he dealt with stress etc, therefore he has already said that he can't understand why it bothered me.
For this reason, I will not ask-or expect him to apologise, because I know I will be disappointed. I do not want to let him upset me more than I am already.

I have to agree with Em - you have to try very hard to be brutally honest in as gentle a way as possible. Say what you feel firmly and thoroughly but in a calm and considerate manner. There's no painless way of doing this for either of you; all you can do is try do it in a way that leaves her with her dignity intact. To be less than completely honest about your feelings just gives false hope and that's unforgivable.

I really do know how hard this is, my ex-h wouldn't accept my reasons for leaving him and my attempts to explain my reasons just came across as sounding cruel, which I didn't want to be. In the end we went to Relate and the counselor helped him to accept my decision.

Best of luck - take care.

Hi Adele
My sentiments exactly - I agree with everything you say. I too cannot believe my stbx is sorry or that there were any problems with us - he just thinks the grass is greener. My stbx never said there were any problems until the day I found out about his affair and then all of a sudden he hadn't been happy for 2 years - he was a very good actor then. After 27 years he just walked away and like you say had been too busy exepnding energy on his newer younger model to even try to fix any problems with "us".

Karen x