Why do I need him to understand

My stbx keeps asking why I left her, why I didn't try and sort things out and I just don't understand what she wants me to say. We had problems for years, discussed them endlessly but things never changed. Eventually I couldn't live like that any longer and left.

She still kept asking why I left. I told her before I went, I've told her since I left. I've apologised because we weren't able to fix things (although it takes two...) I don't know what more to say. I'm not heartless, I know she is hurting, I wish I could take her pain away but the only thing that will do that is if things went completely back to how things used to be when she was happy and I was so unhappy.

And don't think men who do this don't suffer. I'm moving on with life but with a permanent dark cloud over my head because of what I've done but I had no choice. Believe me if there was another way to stop myself going mad I'd have taken it but there wasn't...

Hugo,

Your story sounds so close to mine.

Best wishes with pushing those clouds away and finding the sunshine.



Kalamri

Thanks mate.

Gosh this blog realy seems to have struck a chord with so many people and on so many different levels. It is good to hear some of the men making comments from both sides of the argument.

I was married for 13 years together for 15, when my s2bx announced he wanted a divorce. Out of the blue when for the first time in years I thought we were finally happy and working together as a team. He had had numerous relationships with prostitutes, two of which I found out about. Had I left after discovering the first one I would not be in the awful place I am in now.

Why didn't I leave after the first one? Because I was naiive enough to believe him that it was the first, that he didn't have sex with her!!! I also had two children under 3 and was suffering postnatal depression.I was also very much in love with the guy.

I found out about the long ter second specialist prostitute only by mistake. I then lost my eyesight in one eye through an STD caught from her. Great - yup and I still stayed. Don't scream at me. I was in such a cotrolling relationship and loved him that I couldn't see past that.

I would now like him to acknowledge the pain he has caused me and the children. I asked him why I never got th chance to go to Relate with him to try and sort things out. His comment was that it hadn't worked for a while and we had been trying for years.

I pointed out that I had been trying for years whilst he had been sleeping with other women for years. He was very quiet what could he say?

I nearly went to pieces but gradually have been clawing my way back from the abyss. Most days I'm fine then something small and irrelevant sets me off.

Had first hearing yesterday and couldn't believe how cold he was - just another business deal for him I guess. He wasn't always remote, which is why I fell in love with him.

I think now that I am in love with the person I thought I'd married not the control freak that he really was.

Sorry this has turned out to be all about me, but I think a lot of you will recognise this. Don't let the love you once had turn in to hate. It won't hurt them only yourself.

Ihave no Idea what will happen whether I get to keep the house have enough money to manage but I have to stay focussed on my children and their happiness and what will be will be.

Please don't beat yurselves up with "why?" most control freaks they put their inadequacy onto you, they would never admit to what they have done. If they did they would lose control.

You are now in control and that in itself can be scary, it's something new.

Take care all of you.

I think I can see it from both sides and its always easy to presume they're not hurting when they send nasty letters and don't help the divorce process but as someone said they would be inhuman if they weren't feeling it and I hope he's not that (close sometimes, but not there yet). I know I wasn't the perfect wife or mother, who is, I know money was tight and the kids were always arguing and I know it must be nice for him to be able to go out with his new girl without the kids in tow and enjoy dinners and weekends.

It just hurts so much that I wasnt given a chance to discuss it or change even we were just dumped for his new life. He probably does have regrets and pain but he's thrown his family away for the proverbial younger model and whatever my faults and the kids faults he produced them as well and they're wonderful kids and they didn't deserve being dumped either. We all grow old and wrinkly and buying designer clothes and having your teeth capped won't fix that nothing will inevitably and I just believe that marriage should be worked at and wives (or vice versa husbands) are not cars you can trade in when you're fed up.

Marriage can be hard and you need to work at it, sometimes very hard. I feel he just gave up and left us all behind and we deserved better.

I dont wish him or her ill but they just took the easy route out but thankfully there are millions out there who don't do this and work at it. I know there are exceptions and I know spouses of both sexes can suffer abuse in many forms, but more need to be realistic and face life instead of running away from it.

I have edited my original post (I hope that is allowed) as my situation on the topic has changed, having had a long awaited chat with my STBX and my original was all me me me and not offering much by way of support (unintentional)
We aired quite a bit of stuff (not for reconciliation) but because I needed him to know my hurt - the response was quite brutal. Basically, a full frank admission that all the horrible things he did, he did because he wanted to. Not out of spite just simply because he no longer loved or had any feelings for me. I was not a consideration in anything he did. He could see my upset etc but he could not react to it - no emotion was there . He did not do anything out of spite, he just did what he wanted to do. He said he carried on daily as he perhaps thought it strange his behaviour and something may come back - it did not. He was honest .
It has actually helped. I did not get an apology for his past actions, but then I suppose he would just be saying the word for the sake of it.
I am trying to be a little helpful in that you may not get what you are looking for if you pursue answers so if you can please do not beat yourself up about it. Write down everything you want to say - read it out to yourself and then set it on fire – it has helped me before.
I did get my hour eventually so this may not serve to be of help:unsure: But in turn, I didn’t get the response I probably craved.

Hi wasoangel

Just wanted to say that I hope you're OK. He may finally have been honest as to why he behaved like that towards you, but it doesn't excuse it. There's no excuse not to be kind, however he might have felt.

Am thinking of you
xxx