Why do I need him to understand

I don’t know why but I feel the need for him to understand how I feel. I want him to say I know I hurt you and I am sorry. I want him to see how he talks to me and to see how he has chipped away at my confidence and self esteem with his comments and lack of praise for anything I do. I want him to see what I see and feel what I feel. I really feel that I have tried in my marriage even after he had an affair I looked at how it was my fault and what I contributed to making him want to do this. I have worked so hard to make life better and to rebuild our marriage but have constantly felt it was one-sided. 18 months after the affair and its all over and I feel I have wasted 20 years of my life trying to make my husband happy and no matter what I do its never up to his standard.

Why is it important to me for him to understand my pain?

Jude

I am alo struggling with that emotion. I have looked after a depressed husband who finds it hard to take responsibity or have empathy for anyone else. His selfish behaviour and constant critism of my behaviour has worn me down over the years and i have had enough. When i felt these feelings i actually believed he would understand(he is a well phase at the moment)
Unfortunately he thinks i need councelling myself, that i have the problemand when i feel better and more in control of myself again everything will be alright.i am starting to feel better because i am finally taking care of me and realising life is too hard with him and i no longer love him.
we have a terrible relationship at the moment and he is trying to get all he can financially as he feels i am to blame in all this.
i am so disappointed by his lack of understanding about my feelings and i know i must overcome this to move on but i am finding it sad and unfair:(

Hi Jude

I felt the same way for a long time. The more I felt I explained my hurt and pain the more he felt he had to blame me for what he had done. A vicious circle of what Miserable has blogged about.

Maybe one day they will, when they are not defensive, when we are not asking for answers, when we have finally got our heads back together and 'given up the ghost'. Who knows? I have had a few texts that intimate he is sorry but in the same breath he still says that we are both culpable - I dont even believe these now, so its doesnt really help. Too little too late. (and too many contradictions from him to take anything at face value)

Its no comfort to you, I am sure, but I understand totally that raw need and desperation to know and to try and make them understand. In my experience, I was on a hiding to nowhere as it seemed to make him more resolute in not seeing or understanding the results of his actions and behaviour to me.

But everyone is different and maybe it will come. One day. But don't wait for it, don't let it stop you beginning to heal and dont think that you cant get there without it, you will. Its just a b*gger that it takes so long

xx

I cannot stress enough to all that ask this question how important it is to know etu will never get the answer. Upto me finally leaving the marital home, when the abuse was too much to bear (he didnt care that the kids were witnessing his emotional and physical abuse) I would go and stay at friends. He would say to the kids that he knew he needed to deal with his anger but refused to go for counselling cos he would have to face upto the truth. In the end I had to leave permanently or the kids could have been taken off us had social services been involved. My eldest stayed with him and refuses to speak to me. He got himself a younger version (why do they do that?) and when youngest goes to visit, he genuinely can't understand why I am upset. I am waiting to go for counselling. It is not a case of why, why, why - its a case of how to deal with the fact there isnt going to be any answers that I have to deal with. Very, very hard. I am still in utter shock at how I have got to this point in my life after giving my heart and soul to him. Very angry and bitter.

Hiya Lilly.

Just wanted to say you aint alone. You wanna read my posts about my stbx divorcing me. All blokes are not the same. Sure, we're thoughtless, selfish, arrogant and damn right ugly inside at times, but that dont mean we dont feel.

My gorgeous wife of 11 years, {together for 13} has just told me she wants a divorce. In all that time, i have never given her or her family the help, support or love i could have. Aint hindsight a wonderful thing? Its only now she wants me out im realising just how much i took the piss out of her love for me. Affairs, abuse..........it did'nt matter, cos i did'nt care.

Some of us do feel guilty and remorse.................tbh, i feel it every day when i looked into her loving eyes and just dissmissed it out of hand...........she was always gonna be there for me........... And now she is'nt, and my worlds fallen apart.

I really dont know what im trying to say here as my heads still spinning, but i do know that if you take away all the false bravado, the cunning, the wit and the lying, all your left with is a pathetic shell of a man. I've been there, i'Ve done all that to my gorgeous wife, and im having to learn to live wiv regret.
Sorry guys, but deep down we're all insecure, thoughtless, controlling bullies, and dont you try to tell me otherwise.

Hi Matt

Its made me cry to read your post. As a wife of a man just like you I hope one day he feels that realisation too.

It may be that he has - he left just recently after he crossed a line and was so horrible to me in front of the kids I knew I had to stop it. I have nothing left to give him, I cannot afford to allow myself and my children anymore hurt. I am exhausted with taking the responsibility for him and our marriage. I never deserved to be abused verbally and a couple of times defend myself physically. He is a sick, lonely and inadequate man who threw away everything good in his life because his anger and rage is out of control.

Your wife probably doesn't hate you - she probably just tried to love and help you and like you said has had enough.

It may be over for you too but get the help you need to sort out your issues. Concentrate on your relationships with family and friends and learn to take responsibility for yourself. That's probably all she wants from you now.

I wish you the very best of luck - wish me the same.

HI Jude

I too, understand what you are saying. There was a time when I really wanted to my x2b understand the pain and anguish he had inflicted on my children and I through his actions.That time has now passed for me, it doesnt matter to me that he will never know exactly how he made feel for all that time, partly because I now realise that he will have his own pain and anguish to deal with, and that because I have now moved on with my life. The way he made myself and the children live and feel is in the past, and there it will stay. I seek no revenge, because there is no point, Im am far happier now , than I have ever been, and thanks to a wonderful man, have a bright future to look forward too.

Matt -

Sorry guys, but deep down we're all insecure, thoughtless, controlling bullies, and dont you try to tell me otherwise.

I disagree with this universal statement, not all men are like that, there are lots of thoughtful, caring men out there who have no need or desire to control others.

Ruby