Time For Acceptance

2.20 p.m. words were said by an overworked social worker, one who was forced into looking deeper into the circumstances after an embarrassing Court hearing and apparently spoken from the mouth of my eldest son that will change the world for me in the blink of an eye.

My son, taken from me by his father nearly a year ago now will not be coming home. "He just wants to come and see you every other weekend." My attempt to have at least one overnight evening contact with my son have been thrown out of the window because my son "doesn't want to."

The social worker is sympathetic to my cause and the reasons why to entrust the life of an impressional 13 year old to a steroid abusing, cocaine snorting, womaniser who lies about the most silliest things is somehow in my son's best interests as my son states "i want to live with dad." His wishes and feelings override all reasons of commonsense and the fact that whilst I am his mother with parental responsibility I don't in reality have a say in anything.

I accept today that my protestations of heavy influence of his father are falling and have fell on deaf ears.

My son says:-

1. Mum never hugs me - reality is that he is hugged almost to death on the fortnightly visits I am very gratiously allowed by his father. He sits on my knee and is rocked like a baby (he is 13). Why would he say this doesn't happen ?

2. Mum knew about me joining cadets and was told before I joined - reality I was informed two weeks after he had joined cadets. Why would he say this ?

3. Mum knew about my paper round - reality I was informed a week after he had started the job. Why ?

4. Mum knew about my operation but wasn't interested - reality I was informed about the consultant's appointment when you were on your way back from having been to hospital had I known I promise I would have been there.

Why does my son lie ?

I am tonight a broken woman and bereaved mother without a death and have the over whelming desire running through my head to have no contact at all with my son as clearly what actually happens and is said whilst he is with me is not being expressed truthfully by him to the social worker, she does after a long battle actually believe me on this one but that is cold comfort. Its my son's beliefs and feelings that matter most to me, not mine.

His siblings still live with me and thankfully still express the desire to do so.

How do I explain to my son that I no longer feel able to be a part of his life because the emotional and now physical damage to me is more than I can stand ?

Reaching out to the wise, those who maybe have walked in my shoes or anybody else who feels they have an opinion that may in someway help me cope.

[PLEASE DON'T ANYONE SAY CHILDREN'S "WISHES AND FEELINGS" I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT LOAD OF RUBBISH - MY ELDEST SON WISHES TO LIVE OFF A DIET OF BURGERS AND CHIPS AND NOT ONE OF YOU WOULD ENDORSE THAT AS BEING REASONABLE HE ALSO FEELS IT PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TO PUNCH HIS YOUNGER BROTHER IN THE FACE IF HE ANNOYS HIM AND AGAIN NOT ONE OF YOU WOULD ENDORSE THAT AS BEING REASONABLE EITHER - sorry will stop shouting now but trust me I have read the book, worn the t-shirt and have read so much about emotional harm etc etc etc that I could write a Child Protection Policy for Childrens Services]

No answers for you, hun. A horrible situation for you and one I expect I will also face some way down the line. For what it's worth, your son sounds like he's being bullied, that he's scared and probably doesn't quite know how to get out of the situation he's in. He may well have been told something dreadful will happen to you or his siblings if he doesn't stay with this dad? You will probably never know. He probably doesn't know.

I don't know the way forward for you except to say stay as strong as I know you are and can be and be there for him when he needs you. He will remember that, in the future, more than anything else. Perhaps that's all you need to say to him - I am here if you need me.

take care of yourself and his siblings. xxxx

((((((((((((((u))))))))))))) We're here for you hun.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

God mummybear. I'm speechless. I am so sorry.

All I can say is DO NOT tell your son that you can't see him anymore. Once those words are out there you can never ever take them back and hearing the hurt in his voice and seeing the pain in his eyes as you tell him you won't see him anymore will hurt you so much more than you're hurting right now. It will change everything forever.

Keep being his wonderful mum, cuddle him when he spends his time with you, shower him with kisses and try your very hardest not to question him about his answers to the social worker, and if you need to rant or scream or shout come on here and do it amongst friends, not to your son, who is already clearly confused and maybe going through some things you don't fully know about.

He needs to know you'll always be there for him. Don't turn your back on him now - you'll never ever forgive yourself.

Keep strong now for your other children - I know you're strong from reading your other posts on here. Cherish the time you have with your eldest and make sure that he knows that he always has you on his side and fighting his corner, no matter what.

Big hugs, and take care of yourself xx

((((((((mummybear))))))))

My heart goes out to you...they say time is a healer...I am not sure yet if that applies in these situations...I hope I am wrong...this is one real terrible blow for you...take your time and be gentle with yourself.

Elle x

(((Mummybear)))

((((((mummybear))))))

You are in my thoughts and heart.

xx