Time For Acceptance

MB


Thinking about you.

MB,

Had an amazing breakthrough re mum/son relationship and wanted to share it with you...one of my sons turned up on my doorstep last night...no warning and shortly after a barrage of "bollox" from daddy dearest...it wasnt easy...but it was fantastic...I have just seen him drive off and he is coming to take me to the pics next Sunday...I have been "here" before but I am better equipped and in a better place to deal with this fantastic heart swelling wonderful event that many would not appreciate what it means to me...I know you will...and I think this reinforces the never give up theme!!!

Elle x

Elle that's lovely news! Its always great to hear people's good news, even if you can't completely appreciate the significance.

I haven't had the same experiences as you but your love for your children has always come across strongly in your posts, so I can imagine a little what this must mean to you.

I hope you have a lovely time next Sunday.

Take care.

Thanks Ephelia...I feel like the cat that got the cream and then some...I have been here before...but I am better equipped and not taking it for granted.

Elle x

Thanks for sharing that Elle how wonderful and I know only too well why you are cautious and that in itself is sad but grab the positive and stamp down hard on the negative. A breakthrough is a breakthrough and when unexpected what joy it brings too.

My son (the battered unhugged child) spent his contact weekend with me and despite the constant barrage of texts from his father pushing him to make requests of me he presented as a happy content child, more than willing to take part in the non-existent hugging lol. I explained to my son the reasons behind me not allowing him to remove his very expensive Gibson guitar from my home (he has two electric and two accoustic already at dad's house and so that would mean he would have nothing to use when he was with me - although the truth is I believe his dad would sell it lol) and he accepted this and agreed it was sensible. Similar conversation over the bike too (dad bought him a new bike for his birthday in August why does he have to take the old battered one which will mean he doesn't have one here blah blah) and I overhead him telling his dad this and could hear his dad denigrating me but for probably the first time ever (3 years) it didn't mean jack to me (NOTE TO SELF YOU ARE NO LONGER BEING CONTROLLED YEE HA). The only sadness I felt was for my son who clearly felt under pressure but the pressure was from his father not me and I have had to accept there is nothing I can do about that.

One day my son will be a man and make his own mind up as to how a man should behave towards a woman, especially a woman with whom he has borne children, and oh I so can't wait for that penny to drop as to exactly was the bad cop in all this.

mummybear38 wrote:

Thanks for sharing that Elle how wonderful and I know only too well why you are cautious and that in itself is sad but grab the positive and stamp down hard on the negative. A breakthrough is a breakthrough and when unexpected what joy it brings too.

My son (the battered unhugged child) spent his contact weekend with me and despite the constant barrage of texts from his father pushing him to make requests of me he presented as a happy content child, more than willing to take part in the non-existent hugging lol. I explained to my son the reasons behind me not allowing him to remove his very expensive Gibson guitar from my home (he has two electric and two accoustic already at dad's house and so that would mean he would have nothing to use when he was with me - although the truth is I believe his dad would sell it lol) and he accepted this and agreed it was sensible. Similar conversation over the bike too (dad bought him a new bike for his birthday in August why does he have to take the old battered one which will mean he doesn't have one here blah blah) and I overhead him telling his dad this and could hear his dad denigrating me but for probably the first time ever (3 years) it didn't mean jack to me (NOTE TO SELF YOU ARE NO LONGER BEING CONTROLLED YEE HA). The only sadness I felt was for my son who clearly felt under pressure but the pressure was from his father not me and I have had to accept there is nothing I can do about that.

One day my son will be a man and make his own mind up as to how a man should behave towards a woman, especially a woman with whom he has borne children, and oh I so can't wait for that penny to drop as to exactly was the bad cop in all this.

I still don't understand why you keep rubbishing the Father throughout all of this when it is indeed the lad's choice to live with him. Obviously the lad has been staying with you at times but then he goes home to his Dad's again. If things were really that bad he would stay at your's wouldn't he?

To keep saying that the Father is controlling and has "taken" your son is wrong. The lad has made a choice and he also wants to see you too. Why can't you understand that this is not the Father's fault at all and that you may have some portion of the blame, hence the lad's allegations about you...

Your unstinting advice to others, which includes sitting down and talking through situations and matters, could also be attributed to yourself. Why don't you sit down and find out why the lad wants to stay at his Father's? Perhaps then, you might not want to keep rubbishing the Parent who the lad wants to live with and maybe look at your own actions for his decision

Briefly Gargoyle because I know the man and the boy and speak from a position of fact and observation.

I have spent the past 3 years taking and listening to my own advice and that of reasonable people because I believe that compromise and calmness is the key to dealing with the aftermath of divorce especially where children are involved. Sadly I was walked over, spat on (yes and a couple of times literally) and critisised for my "goody two shoes" Christian based ethos.

I took less money than I was advised to;
I promoted as and when contact founded on the basis of two weekday evenings and alternate weekends (forgive me if I have miscalulated but I can't see that there are any more days of the week to share;
I ensured and encouraged the children to telephone their father with news about school, friends, excitement or when they were sad and needed dad too;
I went to hours of mediation where my ex said one thing and walked out the door and did another and then laughed in my face at what a "sucker" I was;
I held my children tight when they cried unconsollably when their father announced he couldn't see them on Wednesdays anymore because he couldn't afford the petrol money and didn't denigrate him when we drove down our road to see his car parked on his girlfriend's drive on a Wednesday evening (if there had been another route I would have used it too);
I accepted reduced CSA calculated child maintenance because I felt sorry for the poor man; well he needed the cash to fulfil his own lifestyle choices, drugs, lap dancers and designer clothes lol;

You hit the nail on the head (as usual you certainly don't consider feelings and emotions when posting) that it is indeed the lad's choice, a young 13 year old lad who was told "if you don't tell them she hits you they won't let you live with me" but was never told to speak to his mum who maybe just maybe would have understood his desire and wish to live with his dad had she been given the chance !!

Oh and I also listened to my son when he told me he didn't want to live with dad he just wanted to see him more which is why I contested the residence application. As the proceedings went on his father fought dirtier and dirtier to the point that the vileness made me physically sick and because it is almost impossible to prove alienation I had to take it on the chin. "don't tell mum"; "mum will go mad"; "mum doesn't love you"; surely any reasonable person has to question why a father removes only one child from the hell described and put to me but leaves two others behind, oh well maybe as the mum I have the answer but correct me if you think I am wrong, because the other two children wouldn't support his claims that I am a bad mother whereas my eldest son would say the sky was pink if his dad said it was !!

I suppose if you think it o.k. for a 13 year old to hang round the streets every evening until 10 p.m. not "that bad" then I agree he is in the best place; if you think it o.k for a 13 year old lad to punch his younger sister and brother hard in the face because "dad's says if they annoy you just punch em and knock em out" then no I don't suppose it is "that bad"; if you think a 13 year old boy should hang around with people who take exctasy tablets and have BNP tattooed on their shave heads then again I agree it is not "that bad"; but if you don't agree that any of the above is the way you would like your 13 year old son experiencing life then it is indeed your worst nightmare.