Time For Acceptance

My eldest son (now almost 20) decided at 10 he wanted to live with his dad..a bitter, twisted control freak with no friends who spent his days strumming a guitar and smoking...why did my son do this? Because his dad promised him a playstation that I couldnt afford.
For 2 years I battled to see my son. I would arrange to pick him up from his dads house which was an hours drive away (with my other kids in the car) to get there to find they'd gone out. I was constantly refused contact and on one visit my son called me by my 1st name and I asked why on earth he'd done that and he said "dad said youre not my mum anymore"...also, his dad used to dump my son on my drive (or occassionally my parents) and go off on holiday etc..what choice did we have but to take my son in? Social services were useless!!
Then, when my son was 12 I woke up one morning and almost had an ephipany...I had had enough so I wrote him a letter to his school...it basically said that he was old enough to see that what his dad was doing was wrong and that I couldnt take anymore and that he knew where I was but at that time I could not struggle and fight his dad to see him, nor put up with being called by my 1st name etc.
3 years later my son came back to live with me (his choice) and is now quite messed up. He was mentally abused by his dad for the whole 5 years.
Dont feel guilty about your feelings..I've been there...I've carried it out...at 13 your son knows right from wrong, truth from a lie...my feelings for my son have never come back...I love him but dont like him much if that makes sense?...of course when he came home after 5 years I welcomed him with open arms but it all felt very fake.
Good luck...send private message if you want to know more of how I coped.
Lou x

Basically, what I am trying to say is that the lad is 13 and wants to live with his Dad, for whatever reason, and has done so for several months. Why does the Mother blame the Father and denegrate him at every corner?

If the Father was such an abusive, idiot as the OP claims, why has he not returned home to the Mother's even though he has had weekend visits?

You cannot talk daily of the Father's failures and yet see your son return to his home daily, of his own volition, and keep up this pretence.

Gargoyle I have always appreciated your advice but please, I have been through this...it took my son 5 years to come home...and he was a mess and endured years of therapy after what he'd been through...now he has nothing at all to do with the father he chose to live with for that 5 years.
One of the main things that made my son stay with his dad was that he had been told "if you go back to live with her she'll screw me for maintenance and I might as well be dead as I'll have nothing"...my son carried this burden for 5 years before he broke.
ALL kids want to protect their mum AND dad.
My son thought his dad would kill himself if he came home...no-one can comment whats going through this 13 year olds mind but I can so sympathise with his mum..from personal experience.
Lou x

LouCheshire wrote:

Gargoyle I have always appreciated your advice but please, I have been through this...it took my son 5 years to come home...and he was a mess and endured years of therapy after what he'd been through...now he has nothing at all to do with the father he chose to live with for that 5 years.
One of the main things that made my son stay with his dad was that he had been told "if you go back to live with her she'll screw me for maintenance and I might as well be dead as I'll have nothing"...my son carried this burden for 5 years before he broke.
ALL kids want to protect their mum AND dad.
My son thought his dad would kill himself if he came home...no-one can comment whats going through this 13 year olds mind but I can so sympathise with his mum..from personal experience.
Lou x

I know what you are saying and I understand the manipulations involved.
However, this is a 13 year old lad who has seen the door kicked in etc... and yet still wants to live with his Dad and still spend weekends with his Mum.

It's the Mother who can't accept this after several months and it is not the Dad's fault or coercion.

The Mother needs to accept that his is the lad's choice and not the Father's fault. It gets a bit tiresome when you keep hearing that this is all the Father's fault when indeed it is probably the Mother's fault but no one dare's to tell her.

Thank you Weeme, glad that some of my personality comes across and no I'm not a goody two shoes nor a perfect parent but was brought up to respect others and indeed myself and accept that Gargoyle has formed his view and opinion from what I have posted, the fact that I think he has missed much is just my opinion and I respect the fact he believes that the father in this case is without failure, blame or accountability in the events of the past 12 months (ironically I think he kills his own argument and if he doesn't understand why a 13 year old boy would prefer being with his big strong uber cool father over his goody two shoes mother then I can't add anything further as I think the reasons scream out).
I have taken on board Gargoyle's opinion but can't see that he has offered anything by way of advice or support that would benefit either me or my son but I am quite sure my ex would buy him a pint, offer him a line and procure a sex act for him lol.

mummybear38 wrote:[/ I am quite sure my ex would buy him a pint, offer him a line and procure a sex act for him lol.[/quote]






Oh dear.


That's a shame...

Thought you might have tried a bit better than that.

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