Can anyone else relate to this?

Yes I could do that too - might knock some sense into them! And if it didn't we'd certainly feel better!!

Linda

The gospel truth Sera?

Why did Edmund Hillery climb Everest? Because it was there!
In all honesty, we split up because i was unhappy, at the time i thought we both were, but now i know it was just me.....all about me, sound famillier? Financial pressure was what finally tore us apart, i moved 160 miles away to stay with freinds and transfered my job. It was then that i met the ow, and i thought to myself, what she did'nt know would'nt hurt her, besides the marriage was over right?
Even during the actual "act" it never felt right......and as im being so honest about things the "act" itself was pretty poor, guilt actually gave me erectile problems. Thats when i decided it was my wife and family that i wanted and not my "new life". My biggest problem was........ i just could'nt let go of the past, i acted like the ow was the love of my life, when i knew for a fact she was'nt, but i missed having my ego stroked big style, made me feel like a real man. Even up until 3 months ago she was still sending me the odd text.....i rarely replied as i was trying to respect my wifes wishes, but i still refused to change my fone number. This in itself musta hurt her so much but as i still wanted to be in control i went ahead and did it anyway. Needless to say, myself and the ow are no longer in contact, numbers changed and so has my email address. I know its to late for my marriage, but i dont want to have anything further to do with a woman who has no problem in aiding me to destroy what was once so special.
So to answer your question, it was all of what you stated, and then some. Mainly down to the pathetic male ego, but also down to my behavioral problems at the time, my "i'll do what i like" attitude. I was a selfish, arrogant man, and its cost me my world. Admission is good, but like i said, it'll never give me peace of mind, its way to late for that. Hope this helps.

Matt x

My goodness - your story echos my husbands Matt - he went to work in China for a year because of financial pressures. He too has been unhappy struggling with personal issues and grief for the last two years. He has told me that he had his affair because he was unhappy with himself and it had nothing to do me (that's the hardest thing to accept). He too has told me the sex was very poor because of the tremendous guilt even though he thinks he may have started to fall in love with her (very hard to hear). He continually kept in touch with us telling me that he still loved me but was very confused. He is now struggling with drink and depression and accepts that is his own doing but still lashes out at me to hurt me and blame me.

As I said before, not sure he has the same strength of character that you have to not only acknowledge this but to want to change it. Think he wants to wallow in his own misery at the moment and leave me to deal with mine and his children's.

P.S. You really should write that book!

Linda

Matt/24/7 wrote:

I was a selfish, arrogant man, and its cost me my world.

Yes; it helps. Thank you. It's a question I've asked for years; and a question most men run away from. Sadly though; if your wife can't accept it; you could only hope to be a better person for the next relationship. You both lose.

Sera you hit the nail smack,smack,smack on the head in one of your posts. Seems there were three of us in our marriage. Me, her and him plus of course the others. Something in her head said ''sh******* other men is excitement'' Whilst also thinking ''Ive got stability at home. I think she walked away thinking the garden would be rosy. Well it isn't but she has got her own demons to contend with. No falling back to the stability I provided. PS she never took one photo of 25 years of our lives. Wiped the past clean. Also told people that she had lost her best friend...meaning me. So thats what I was for 25 years...a best friend ...wow does that make me feel good..NOT.

Hiya linda

Im gonna mirror your stbx even more now as just a month before i had the affair, i lost my father.....who was, and to put it mildly another lieing, cheating, violent b*stard.
We had'nt spoken for a long, long time and it was only when he was dieing {of alcoholism} we started building bridges again. My counciler tells me that one of the reasons i put up so many barriers after his death, {and my mums in 2007 when my behaviour became even more extreme, that was alcoholism to} was because they never said sorry for the cr*p upbringing they gave me and my sister, {who also could'nt hold down a relaitionship} Pretty poor excuse, but there you go.
Also, in my last post, i never touched upon my drinking, and how it made me feel and act.
It gave me the bravado i needed to pull it all off, it made me scheme, helped me lie.....{and oh yes, i did lie to the ow as well as my wife}.
Now im sober, i have come to the conclusion that the ow saw right through me from the start, knew what buttons to press and used me like a puppet for her own ends, as i figure, its not only the men that like having their egos stroked......See what im getting at? And its only now im sober that i can see how hard my wife tried to accept what i did, but i threw it back in her face on a daily basis.......suppose theres only so much a person can take, and i took it all.
As for the book........well, i dunno about that, but when i've finally got my drink problem nailed, {only been sober for 7 weeks} and can look at myself in the mirror again, which is gonna take a long time but im getting there im going to train as an alcohol/drug abuse counciler. Maybe that way i can give something back, and possibly stop some other poor soul from trashing their life the same way i did mine.

Thanks for listening

Matt x

Matt

You really are an inspiration and I know it's only been 7 weeks for you but it sounds like you have learnt so much about yourself and gone to such lengths to understand why you behaved in that way.

To be fair, in some of his saner moments, my husband has acknowledged how much his past has affected his state of mind right now. His parents both left him, his dad when he was 5 and his mum when he was about 8. He had the most bizarre relationship with his mother that I have ever witnessed. He hated her for what she had done but kept her in his life and treated her badly as a way of punishing her. When she died over two years ago that's when he changed - he too never got an explanation for any of it and once she died he realised it was too late.

As for the drink and lying to the other woman - oh yes! -in fact he lied to the extent of telling her he was divorced until I found out about it. So he has no respect for her either - can that be love - who knows?

Maybe one day he will be in your position of real remorse and a desire to really understand his feelings but sadly it will be too late.

Take care

Linda