Can anyone else relate to this?

Yep, i can and its absolutley spot on.
As you all know, i was the one that cheated on my wife, even though we were seperated at the time, i've finally faced the truth and know now that it was cheating.
When my wife asked me to come back, the guilt i felt was unsurmountable. I so wanted to talk to her as, like someone has already said, she's the only person on the planet that knows me inside out, but i could'nt.......instead i closed myself off, became a spoilt child, bully, aggressive etc. All down to the guilt i was feeling over the pain and upheaval id caused her and my son. I was telling lies to cover lies, even over silly stuff that did'nt really matter, i'd lie about it and of course, that just drew more attention to the great big whoppers i'd told {at the time i kidded myself to protect her, but i was just trying to protect myself}
When a person cheats on someone they supposedly love, {and i do love my wife, so much} The one person they are really lieing to and cheating on is themselves.
I had an oppertunity to wipe the slate clean and start again, instead i smashed it into a thousand peices. she gave me so many chances, but as lieing and my controling behaviour had become so natural i just could stop it until it was to late, cause and effect i suppose. But people can and do change, lets not forget that or dissmiss it. Lepoards can change there spots, and it is possible to hold up your hands and admit that everything from the affairs to the lies to the bullying was all your {the unfaithful partners} fault. It does'nt give you any closure or peace of mind though.

Whoops, hijacked another post with my ramblings.......just thought i had something to add.

Matt x

This certainly struck a chord with many of you! When I first read it I felt that it summed up my situation 100%. Judging from your responses it is the common pattern of behaviour for all cheaters.

In answer to your question Sera, no I have finally accepted that I can't take him back even if that's what he wants - I can never forgive him or trust him again - not just for the affair but for what he has put my children through. He is the one person in the world who is supposed to care and protect them as much as I do but he has been the source of so much pain and I could never feel the same way for him again. I have had times when I thought I could but too much has been said and done.

I also agree with the comment 'it's not that we don't understand them, it's that we understand them too well'.

My husband basically told me that was the reason for his affair - she thought he was something that he knows he isn't and I know he isn't. He could forget all his mistakes and failings with someone who didn't know the true him like I do. To me to have someone love you despite all your faults means so much more than a fantasy of pretending to be something your not but that shows just how much he dislikes himself at the moment.

Linda

x

Matt

I can relate to the more and more lies situation. My husband, who I felt before all this I could have trusted with my life tells so many lies about such ridiculous things and that is another reason for finding it hard to go back because you doubt that anything that has ever been said was the truth. The lies about everything are almost more painful than the affair to be honest.

(Hope you're feeling better after your friend's funeral)

Linda

X

linda.c wrote:

I can never forgive him or trust him again

The last two posts: Matt and Lindas; hi-light the two sides to every story scenario.

Matt the man that asks us to believe that Leopards CAN change their spots; and Linda a woman (like many) that believed her husband, only to find that was another lie.

Matt; I totally admire your courage and your frankness (because it helps me understand why my ex cheated) and I can also understand why your wife gave you another chance.

And Linda: I understand why you've had enough; and your natural protection you have of not wanting to hurt the children further.

Very interesting thread.

Matt/24/7 wrote:

hijacked another post with my ramblings.......just thought i had something to add.

Matt,
You're not hijacking. Quite the opposite! You're the cheating man with the answers!!!

You do indeed have a lot to add. So many dumped spouses here wondering WHY!?

One question: WHY!? What was it that made you go elsewhere? The thrill of the chase? Low self-esteem? Assuming the answer to all your problems was in a bottle? / between another womans legs!? Was it some kind of anger release? Were you subconsciously 'punishing' your wife? Was sex a quick fix? (like an addiction to drugs and alcohol, a short feel-good fix?)

Care to enlighten us with your thought process at the time?

Sera

I hope it didn't sound like I was putting Matt down on my thread - I have read his posts and have nothing but admiration and respect for what he has gone through and how he has worked so hard to work on himself and accept responsibility for his past behaviour. If my husband had showed half the character that Matt has I would view him in a totally different light.

Linda

linda.c wrote:

If my husband had showed half the character that Matt has I would view him in a totally different light.

No I didn't think you were putting him down. I was just looking at the two sides of the (same) story. I agree with the bit I've hi-lighted.

Matt should write the book! (And I'd buy it and throw it at the ex!)