I've ruined my life

Your welcome m8.
And as for feeling like your the only one in this situaition from time to time, just think of the statistics.......150,000 people every year go through this horrendous expereance, 19,401 are regitered on here so just think of all the poor souls who have'nt been lucky enough to find this site yet!
Im having a bit of a bad day myself, slept most of it, rare i do that now even though i work nights, since ive stopped drinking im usually up at around 2pm. Just spoke to my little boy on the phone, that always tears me up, and even though i bought him his own mobile so i would'nt have to talk to Cilla and upset myself and possibly her, we still talked. She sounds down, but posative about her life....Is that possible? How should i take her tone of voice.....Freindly or putting on a brave front? She even laughed at some of the things i said, does that mean shes seeing the change in me and feels the freindship returning, or is she wearing a mask as maybe shes hurting as much as i am.......... Truth is, i dont know, and the harsher truth is, i may never know.
Your doing well m8. Accepting that she might be in an emotional relaitionship with some other man is not gonna be easy to handle. You say your preparing for the worst.....Truth be told, i dont think we can ever prepare ourselves for what might happen next, i know i cant.
What i have resolved to do though, for the sake of my wife and little boy is IF she does find someone to replace me, emotionally or physicly im still gonna be there for her, i've done her enough dammage. 13 years of history is a long time just to throw away and if she does fall and ends up getting hurt again, even if our marriage is over, by not being there and helping to dust her off will prove only one thing.......that i never cared about her in the first place and never will.
Now that would be a real crime and probably the worst kind of deception.

You take care m8

Matt

Ohh, forgot to add.......i even called her Darling at the end of the call, it just slipped out, seemed such a natural way to end the convo......... And was met with a deadly silence at the other end, had to apologise to her for that. Christ, having to apologise for calling her a pet name i used so many times in the past, but not enuff times it seems.
Bad day indeed.
M

I feel where you are coming from Matt.

With regards to the phone call. You can't tell what is going through their minds over a call. You may here uspet and then happiness. They are but fleeting moments wrapped up in the conversation.

If she is coping well, it's not a bad sign by any means. What I would say is that she is beginning to get over the initial trauma. That way, when she has, she can then think clearly about how she feels and not be all mixed up inside. I really don't think that many women can 'mask' their emotions. We are good at that. I would say that what you heard was what you got. Cilla is coming to terms with things that's all. She probably isn't conciously thinking anything relating to her tone of voice. I know us fellas feel all hurt and things, but they do to. Even if it was them that went, the decision was no easier and they have the same turmoil to deal with as we do.

Once the 'dust' settles, then proper decisions can be made, but not until then. There's too much emotion going on to be able to think straight. Both parties need to come to terms with what has happened, then they can decide whether they feel any different inside or not.

I still call Jane 'love', you're right, it slips out. I wouldn't apologise though, the silence you got was not what you were expecting, so what?. If it happens again mate, ignore it and carry on. Trust me on that one.

lol, from student to master in a few days ehh! Told you this wiki thing, like marriage was a two way street. Thank you m8, keep it up. Your gonna be valuable here.

Matt

Jane's gone over to her best buddy's tonight, it's her buddy's birthday. I think she is the one that 'introduced' (albeit accidentally) Jane to Mr Pepper. She knows I don't really like this friend of hers and never have. I feel she's been a bad influence (but what the hell, that;s only my opinion, and that counts for jack sh*t at the moment)

I would imagine that Jane feels that if I found out that her buddy had been the unintentional catalyst and then stood by for the last 3 months knowing all about it, then I would go round to her house and tell her exactly what I think of her. I never would of course, Jane's friend is maybe more important to her right now than I am. I aint going to get in the way of that.

Time will tell and time will heal.

Quick addon. It's not her buddy, it's someone else from work.

Not really telling anyone that for a reason, just that I feel a little guilty writing that it might be, so have to set the record straight.

Anyways, the texting is all in the open now and it's my choice on how I deal with it. I am going to / have managed to put it in a little box at the back of my mind. The only problem with that is that I haven't got a padlock for the box yet and it keeps opening.

Note to self....get to ironmonger tomorrow and get the most vandal proof largest baddass padlock you can buy...and use it!

Day 7. It's a week already. Christ what a week. I never want another one like that...EVER!

Still keeping teetotal, that's one good thing. Got a job interview today as well. (business is FUBAR now)

Didn't sleep last night though, all the thoughts in my head of what she had been saying to Mr Pepper over the last 3 months and me being totally ignorant of them. I can't help recalling the talks we've had as well over the same months about me, us, and what we are going to do in the future. All the time whilst she was texting this asshat 4 times a day. It's heartbreaking.

Tomorrow's going to hurt like hell, she moves out then. I know I wont sleep tonight. I don't know what to do tomorrow either. Do I be calm and in control and actually help take things to her car from our (my) house, or do I just disappear and let her get on with it. Oh for a crystal ball to see the future. It's fear of the unknown, it's feeding my emotions and kicking me around.

I have to try and be ok for the interview today yet though. What if they ask me about my family life, whether I'm married and shit. I might lose it and start crying.

Wish me luck guys (just in your heads will do, don't need to reply here)