I've ruined my life

OK, so here I am at the start of day 5. Had a bad time for a while last night, I found out that Jane had applied for her own house 5 days before I asked her why she was feeling so bad. At the time I found out, I started to get angry and emotional. I took a step back though, told myself not to think about it as I was TOO emotional and might react incorrectly. After all, she is going, and the fact that I found this information wasn't going to change that!

Eventually calmed myself down and got some sleep.

Oh, yeah, I made myself a meal for the 1st time in 4 days as well, only a bowl of BLT, but I ate it!!

Tonight is my 1st AA session and I am really looking forward to it. It's the first positive thing I've done for quite some time.

Glad to hear that you're still doing great with the sobriety Matt. I'll catch you up you know! (well I can't do that actually, but hell, I'll get there)

Jane said something strange but nice this morning. She said maybe she should have tried not sorting it out all on her own. I think that was a positive thing but told her that there was no point thinking like that as that is the past, the only thing to think about now is the future.

She then asked me if I hate her. Of course I said no, but I also told her that if I did, it's not the opposite of Love. Hate is very close to Love in the emotional spectrum. The opposite of Love is Indifference. Am I indifferent then she asked. Again, I told her no.

This aint easy by any stretch of imagination, but I have now got a new mind set. That is ME. Forget what is happening to US. I can't change that. What I can change though is ME.

Hope you lot don't mind me treating this thread as a sort of daily diary, but I feel that my dealing with this may help someone else and it makes me feel better telling people (better that you are all unbiased as well!)

Use it as you see fit mate, do whatever you have to to get through this.

You have obviously faced your demons and have got a focus on the future, and that's good.

Take one day at a time and as you have said don't dwell on the passed.

There will be bad days and I know how long the nights can be but remember this you are not alone in this mess and all these people are pulling for you.

Get your self into chat sometime and meet us all.

Keep going mate your doing OK.

Thomo.

Hang in there. you are at rock bottom at the moment but you have made steps in the right direction. As somebody said to me when at rock bottom the only way is up. It could be and often is a slow process but hang in there and keep going as you will have a lot of support here.

Thanks again guys.

Thomo, I am glad you are still here. I read your posts and feel for you mate. You hang on in there too!

I can't go into chat, nothing personal against you guys, it's me.

I'm having our oldest cat put to sleep today as well. She's 23 and has been with us nearly as long as we have been together. (or is that were together) She's had a good life bless her, but I'll miss her too.

I feel for you as I had to have my cat put to sleep the day after I got back from holiday. My daughter bought me a kitten who is beautiful so as one door closes another opens. You loved your cat and she was loyal so never forget that.

I'm a mess at the moment. I went to my 1st AA meeting tonight which was a revelation. Everyone who spoke about themselves was saying a little bit about me as well.

If anyone is having alcohol problems, go to an AA meeting, there is no pressure, no religion, just a whole bunch of people with the same illness.

That's not the reason I'm crying though. When I got back, Jane was sorting through our lives to pick her stuff out ready for moving out. It's cutting me wide open seeing her do this.

I have been really strong in front of her the last couple of days but I had to leave the room tonight so I could sob. She came to me after 5 mins, rubbed my arm, told me I was strong and asked if I wanted a hug. We had a small hug but I think it's made me feel worse. It's a bit like stabbing someone and then asking if they want you to sew their wounds up. Christ I am hurting.

I thought I was all out of tears, not by a long chalk.

I hate this, I really do.

Now I have to sleep in the bedroom with all her stuff in bags. I can't do that, but I can't go anywhere else.

I feel sick, my chest hurts and my mind is going to explode.