I've ruined my life

Hi, I am new on here and in desperate need for help.

I have been married for nearly 24 years and have 2 sons, 20 and 22 who still live at home but will be moving to their own places in the next couple of months. I am 49 and my wife is 45.

Over the last few years I have been drinking a lot at home, I have been staying up late, getting up late and basically ignoring everything around me. I didn't realise this at the time, but I am an alcoholic. I have become overweight but my wife is as slim as ever.

My wife and I have had many discussions regarding my drinking and the fact that I have been killing myself. I have said on numerous ocassions that I will stop, and once did, for 2 months. I then seemed to think everything was Ok and grdaully started again. Some of these discussions, I can't even fully remember.

My wife has become more distant over the last 2 or 3 weeks and it ended up with me asking her what the problem was. She said that she had got to the end (she had been crying alone in our bedroom and I never knew) of her tether. She had tried everything she could but our marriage was over. She doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and hasn't done for some time. She loves me but is not in love with me, she has to leave. She had already been planning to move into rented accomodation during the last 2 weeks but I didn't know or was too wound up in my own life that I never noticed. This happened 3 days ago and as she doesn't get the keys to her own house until the 18th (which is one day after our 24th anniversary), she is still here. She is sleeping on the couch now because being in the same bed just isn't right anymore. (that killed me as well)

On top of all that, I have been trying to run my own business for the last 4 years and that has now failed. My car has been repossessed and the tax man is making me bankrupt and taking our house to cover some of the debt.

I have been trying to cope with the business and financial situation but have been reverting to alcohol to numb the pain. I never drink before 5 pm and have tried to carry on working my business, but if I have a drink I don't know when to stop.

My world has now literally fallen apart. I realise that I am the cause of the breakdown and have discussed this with my wife. I have also signed up with Alcholics Anonymous and have STOPPED drinking. It's ruined my whole life.

I am so afraid an upset and can't stop crying. My wife says that I needed this and I have to sort myself out. I have suggested couple counselling but she says it's too late for anything now and she has to go. I feel so desperate and need to know if there's even a glimmer of hope for the future.

She has said that she still cares for me and she has to go before things get nasty, she doen't want that. She says she will always be there for support at the end of the telephone and wants us to remain friends. I have told her that I will always be there for her too and I also want to remain friends.

I feel the need to ask her over and over again to stay, but I am afraid this will push her away. I can't think of any future without her. It all appears so final, she's told our 2 sons, our friends, her mother, and I've told my parents. She has made plans to have the pets rehomed.

I am going to be left alone in a house that will taken from me, with no money, no business, no marriage and it feels like no hope.

I know that I can make myself better and cure the drinking and get a job but I can't face the prospect of her leaving. I have to like myself first before anyone else can like me, but I hate myself at the moment.

Do you think there is any hope for us?. I asked her if this was permanent (silly question, I know) and she said, 'at the moment it is, yes'

I know that I have thrown everything away and that I realise this and want to make it better. It's all my fault and I wish I had listened to her more.

I've been a complete insensitive a**hole and will have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I have told her that I am full of admiration for her to be able to make such a difficult decision, and I mean it. I don't want her to go, I hate what I have done, but at the same time, I am so proud of her for making me realise.

It must have been so hard for her, she is now weeks ahead of me in the grieving process and I just hope that I can come to terms with everything.

lsot


welcome to wiki.

There are lots of people here to offer you supports and help. Come into chat if you need someone to talk to. Holler if you need to chat - and let them know you are new.

And do take a look at this thread www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...im-a-mess.html#29062

I am sure matt will respond when he is next online.

best wishes

Hadenoughnow

You are not alone. I know it feels like you are but you have found a good place here. Loads of people going through extremely difficult times. Just like you. You will make it. It takes time. Lots of time. But you will make it. Make sure you do.

Hi there Lsot,
So So Sorry to hear your story.
It sounds like you are having a real bad time. There are so many people on here that will do their very best to help you through the times when you feel alone and scared.
I too was married 22 years, two boys 18 and 20 when their dad left. I remember how hard it was for them, even though they are adults they will be hurting too.
There is usually someone on the site 24/7, people that find it hard to sleep because of their problems. So if you ever feel lonely log on and have a chat with someone.
Matt, I am sure will make contact as soon as he is around, he will be great support.
First step you have taken already, going to AA is a very brave acknowledgement that you had a drink problem.

Please log on as often as you can, this is the place to get it all out. Everyone is very caring and understanding.

Best wishes to you and I wish you good luck.
zara

hi lsot1

i cant do this tonight but will contact u.

chin up

thomo.

Hi,

Decided to come back and talk.

You have lots going on, but the drink doesn't help so please curb it.

It will only make thing worse.

You have to take a step back and look at what you are doing and ask what you need to do next.

It may not be pleasant but its better than being p issed, because if you are your out of the box.

I know I've been out of mine for years.

Come one Fight m8t

Thomo.

Hiya Lsot.

I cant go into to much detail right now, but im sure, as the gang have said, if you've read my posts you should know that you aint alone and your problem is'nt a unique one. Im just on my break from work at the moment but i will get back to you in the morning, i promise. In the meantime, if you want to vent please pm me anytime. Hang in there buddy, and we'll speak soon k?

Matt.