I've ruined my life

Thanks.
Have posted under own thread, some of my story.
you guys (& girls) execellant,
Know what, was down tonite, just because realising what I have put up with, and recalling very, very bad memories, I was in tears.
Then I get mail from you.

She asked for a divorce on UB grounds.
No, No it is not me at fault here.
(Quite aware here, it is natural to push the blame, but takes two to tango).
Need to address my stella probs though.

Well I guess that I made the right choice in staying away from W. Her lies have just come full circle and bit her in the ass....

Went out with my friend last night (he is W's cousin), he tells me that W had taken her new boyfriend to see her mum. No problem there, she is entitled to both boyfriend and taking him. Turns out however that 'new' guy is the original OM that W was texting whilst still living with me. This OM never left the scene, but was introduced to MIL as 'my new boyfriend'. Ok...move on 12 hours and I go visit MIL, never got text from W to say when, so just felt the need to visit. First thing MIL did was to apologise for being nasty with me last time. I graciously accepted the apology but felt the need to put her straight with OM. Explained that texting friend and 'new' friend were one and the same. She was slightly surprised. I told her that I didn't have a problem with it, but was deeply hurt by all the lies about things. Had more of a general chat and then left. Agreed to stay in touch. So far so good....

2 hours later get a txt from W...this is where the lies start to bite back and it's hurting..I will copy in the whole text for the purposes of clarity...

"just had a call from mum. I am glad you visited her BUT dont ever discuss us or burden her with your delusions again. The last thing she needs is you off loading, you have not changed! EVER THE VICTIM! its not about mum. I am trying very hard to make her remaining time as pleasant and fulfilling as possible - stop jeopardising this and making an idiot of yourself"

Nice text huh? As you will all know, I have always wanted MIL to be left out of things. I only made a point as I was accused of 'moving on' too quickly and wanted to explain reason why, hence mention of OM. So I replied...

"OK, first thing, i didn't play victim. I simply told the full story. It's a shame that you can't even be honest to your own mum! I was shouted at last time for having a new relationship. I explained to mum about that and she is glad. I told her today that CLive was the same person you were texting thats all. People deserve to know the truth. its up to them what they do with it. It appears that you want to carry on living a lie, fine, but no-one else wants to be there with you. I could have said a lot more this and last time, but didnt. Im afraid you cant pass your guilt onto me anymore, I dont care. I told mum that all I ever wanted is to be happy, and thats the truth as well. Im sorry you cant handle the truth. Have a nice day"

So I wasn't expecting or needing a reply to that, but got one..more of the same...

"Like I said, what matters at this time is my mum, everything else is irrelevant and frankly insignificant. However I will respond as I have stayed quiet 4 long enough. I have put up with you telling absurdlies about me- but mum ahouls not have 2- sodont preach to me bout the truth. For someone who only wants me 2 be happy- you have a strange way of showing it. I have nothing to be guilty about. Mum was off with you last time cos u hadnt been in touch nothing to do with ur new love. Listen i am truely pleased 4 u, I have alwas spoke well of you but enough is enough. If u had any thought you would realise that this is a difficult time and would not be so angry, accusatory, selfish and hurtful"

Bit of pot calling kettle black there. Worm has turned and it hurts. My last response was....

"If you want to say any more, we should meet and discuss it, not send pointless texts. Up to you. Enjoy your afternoon."

That's all I have said or want to say. I know what the truth is and happy in the knowledge that others do now as well. There is something seriously wrong in W's head if she doesn't accept reality.

I will continue to see MIL, I will discuss with her what I feel like and what she wants to hear, I will tell her. If others can't cope with that, that is their problem. As far as W goes, then if she wants to meet, fine. I doubt she will though as we both know who is right and discussions will only confirm that. Other than that, I am going to ignore her totally.

Thanks for listening!!!

Hi,.
Have posted my story under discuss anything/introduce yourself.
My x2b lies also come back to roost.
Had a really great reply, copy below.
Can't really comment on your case, don't know enough, + I never judge anyone, two sides and all that, but would say seems to be :

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"one that induces a crisis everywhere else and the leaving partner is able, often successfully, to cast guilt and blame on everyone else around them but unable to see their own problems and unwilling to do so."

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Just a thought.
I have not spoken to my x2b for over a week now, just the odd txt and mail.
Still get on with my MIL, dropped my children off tonight. Was o.k., but I really do not know what x2b has said to her. Last time MIL she said was grateful for telling her where "we" were with divorce, x2b had not talked to her at all.

I have been reminded so many times "keep your chin up", It means more than that to me though.
Question : Do I feel proud of how I have conducted myself, and will I continue to do so ?

My own answer is "Yes".

I have a handy tip, do not respond to txt/e:mail, leave it at least a day, unless urgent.
It does work, and it also works in business. It takes all the emotion out of it.

regards.

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Re:I know I'm doing the right thing. I think. 3 Days, 21 Hours ago
well done. very hard. i'm a year+ down the line now and so surprised how all these stories have so many similarities.

it is always 'there is no one else' when there is

'i need to find my self' - a personal crisis for the leaving partner, one that induces a crisis everywhere else and the leaving partner is able, often successfully, to cast guilt and blame on everyone else around them but unable to see their own problems and unwilling to do so. so sad when kids are caught in the middle of it.

personally and evidenced many times on wiki, best if you can get away from your partner because you will find yourself, as i have done, and be so much happier and so much less guilt ridden than before. it is not your fault, not your crisis, but your partners. she needed to find herself, she found another soul mate, and she and her new partner between them justify all the pain and confusion that ensues. entrench themselves and then it becomes very difficult to get any access to logical and sympathetic thought in there. - so distance yourself from the pain and confusion and get your life sorted.

it does get better. each day each week.

i'm a bit unusual in that i am still in the family home and the boys (3 older and at uni, one still at school 17) are in and out holiday times except the 17 year old who is still at home. my W wanted to move out, fortunately, but i also knew that if i was to continue to function at work i needed the stability of a home and routine. i am the breadwinner, W was housewife. she has at last a job albeit part time and minimum wage (has a degree and can do much much better!!) it is a crisis, a crisis of confidence, midlife, self esteem, and the thought of 'is this all there is, i dont love him anymore, i dont want to try anymore etc'

it does take two. very much so. we are all at fault. but as you are beginning to realize you cannot continue to beat yourself up for something you have little control over. you need to move on, see the fantastic spring colours and light and find your new self. you will then be even better equipped to help and support your kids who will need your stability and may not see much stability or honesty on her side either - even if you think she is 'sorted'

you are on the right track!
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Hi jtm.

Thanks for the reply. I am certain of one thing, that is that I have been as nice as possible throughout all this. I have almost bent over backwards to assist W in her new life and got nothing back but more pain and lies. I am going to continue with my relationship with MIL and ignore W in all of it. Worst time will be the funeral. Hopefully (unlikely though) W will have seen a little reason by then.

I can also see that she is feeling very hurt and upset by her mother's condition and that anger is being played out on me. I am not going to be there any further, any more discussions will be cut short and then ignored.

The one thing that bugs me the most, and I am slowly getting over it, is that she now expects me to be caring and considerate of her pain, when I was left in one of the most awful postitions imaginable. Aint going to happen. I will stay well away.

I've realised the moral behind all my recent history....

Do NOT tell lies!!!

The truth will always come out in the end. Well thats the hope anyway. I just wonder if my ex stepkids will ever learn the truth. But to be honest I dont realy care........ C

Hey Marshy!

I think they may already know it. I know that my 2 boys know the truth but don't make a noise about it. They just know it and are happy with that. Good way to be.