Please help me.................im a mess

Hiya all.
Im Matt and ive been an alcoholic for many years but a functioning one. I've been married for 13 years and in that time four years ago i had an affair. It was very breif and only lasted 8 weeks but the damage has been insurmountable. She asked me to come home, and we tried but i had to go about 2 years later because of trust issues. After being away for 10 months she asked me to come home again, and i was more than willing to try.I put the past firmly behind me and tried really hard but because i work nights the relaitionship never recovered..........i simply didnt have the time. I shoulda seen the cracks appearing, but i was to self absorbed in making money (we had a very poor start to our marriage and would do anything to avoid that again) Last Monday, (a week ago) my wonderful wife told me she no longer loved me and was leaving. It was a culminaition of the years of put downs, sarcasm, patronising her, trying to control her etc. I never had a clue i was doing this.....it came as a compleat shock. Anyway, shes going and theres nothing i can do to stop it, she dont love me anymore and wont even entertain counsiling. Its only just hit me, and i think alcoholics call this a "moment of clarity" That over the years, my gorgeous missus has supported me, put up with my moaning and my abuse, done all she can and then some..........and finally, its just run out. Im currently dry and sober, this has shocked the booze outta me and am going to train for a new job working days so i get to see my 8 yr old son as much and often as i can. I cant belive ive hurt her the way i have and would do all i could to turn back the clock and actually listen to her rather than talk over her and put her down the way i have. I'd do anything to have my loving family back but dont know where to start. I know i deserve all im getting and am taking a course to sort out my crap attitude but i really feel, as does my wife that this is to little to late. What more can i do?........I need your help. Thankyou

It’s never too late if both want to sort things out but if she has made up her mind then it’s hard for you to fix things.

You sound truly sorry for what has happened in your relationship and I admire the fact you have been honest about you situation. The end of a relationship is a shock whenever it comes and a very painful one at that. Trust is a hard think to repair but it can be done in time. Unfortunately your wife will judge you on past behaviour and all you can do is show her you have changed and hope she will give you another chance. If she is not willing to do that then you will have to like many of us here face the fact that it is over and try to move on.

Jude

I do feel for you so much. You sound sencere, my brother was in the same boat as you. Unfortunately I must confess I understand his wife, still I supported him as he is my "flesh and blood". I admire women putting up with a situation like yours, however it is so much to take on. If she does not come back (as my brother's wife never did), please never give up seeing your boy and trying to re-build your life. My brother ended up with a new partner and a new family, he had to go through a shock of loss to pull himself together and find strength to fight at least for now. I hope you will get a second chance, but even if not, stay strong.

Hi Matt

All you can do is continue to show her by your actions. As the others have said though there are no guarantees. Trust is a funny thing, so intangible - once broken so hard to get back again, but not impossible.

You have made the hard first steps though by recognizing your part in the situation and that's admirable.

Hi Matt

Your post is really admirable. After many difficult years it will take an extended time to rebuild your own confidence, and then other people's confidence in you. But it'll be worth it for yourself and for your son. And maybe you will even feel that it was your wife who helped you to change.

So , I guess you have to continue working on yourself, and then everything else will follow.

wiki is great for support and chat as you move on.

best wishes

Kalamari

Hiya guys.
Thanks for the posative responses, i gotta say i didnt expect nor do i feel i deserve the nice comments some of you have made on my situaition.

Well, its moving day tommorow, i've basicly been asked to pack my shit and leave, which i am doing, and with my tail firmly between my legs, going to stay with a freind whos letting me bunk at his house till i sort my head out.

I took, my wife (Priscilla) and my son Luke to Meadowhall today....................in her mind i think she thought i was trying to buy her, in my mind, i was doing summat a good dad shoulda done a long time ago. Bought her 2 pairs of trainers, (as when im gone, she wont be able to afford them) and we all had a kentucky together. Always wondered wot kfc stands for............seems its kant find f**kin chicken! (Thats 2 f's innit?..........lol, an i.q of 148 and i still burn the toast} Anyway, it was silence on the way there.....38 miles, and it was silence on the way back..... another 38 miles. We got home, unpacked and sat in front of the telly, still no talking............But she kept asking wot was wrong with me!!!! FFS DUUURRRRRRRRR..............Err your making me homeless babe, and your gonna make me survive on minimum wage in the armpit of yorkshire while your doing it!
Well.............. here we go again lol. I backed off and let her whine (ffs not this again) Again, no real explinaition, just told me once and firmly that she is no longer in love with me and its time for me to leave. She still swears blind theres no-one else and im inclined to belive her, if there had or was she'd take to much glee in watching me crack when she told all the gory details ,plus all her family back that up and belive me..........some of them i've spoken to would give their arm to stick it in and break it off.

All i know is since i resolved to put my family first and sort out my attitude the change has been effortless, Lukes happier round his Daddy and i've even seen her crack up laffing and even giving me glances when she dont know im looking.

I dunno if whats gonna develop when im out of the house,i think that once im gone, im gone as this is the third time we've split, but the first shes asked me to go. But one things for sure, im not gonna stop the change i've made for myself and my loved ones regardless of what happens, im enjoying myself to much. But for now, it looks like the single life, no money, a crap job and no life. Just how many times does a guy who made a horrid mistake, and dont 4get i lost as much if not more than she did have to say hes sorry? I'm at a loss for explinaition and would do all i could to prevent the divorce from going ahead. What should i do........walk away and get on with life?............ or should i stand and fight for the woman i love?

Shes already told me there WILL be other relaitionships and im gonna have to live with that, and tbh, i fink i can so long as our son is'nt disturbed by it all. Wether this is a bluff to hurt me more i dont know, but its working. The thought of another man touching my stbx or playing with my son makes me wanna throw up tbh.

Well, rant over for today............ Im leaving my pc here and carrying on paying the broadband, landline fees as my son loves to use the computer, so from now on i'll have to ask my m8 if i can borrow his.

Thanks for listening to all this.......... U know, the only comfort i have is the fact 150,000 of us go through this every year, and they survive!...............Hope im gonna be one of emm.

Matt x

you are doing so well you are very strong and courageous even if you don't know it.it is going to be togh for you and you know there will be weak times.i would urge you to get the support of aa attending aa meetings will be the best support there is for you.while we are her to offer you cyber support you need to put in place anything that will help you.
keep moving forward you are fab an inspiration