Please help me.................im a mess

Matt, I have a few comments to make and will start at the beginning.

Firstly well done for coming on here and admitting to being an alcoholic, Admitting that is the first step to saving your life and maybe, just maybe winning your wife back.

Now onto the nitty gritty where I feel some confusion lies, You need to understand and I been fully understand what you have put your wife through for the last 13 years ( I don't know if you where an alcoholic all that time) so lets just say 6 years and in your words six years of

''It was a culmination of the years of put downs, sarcasm, patronising her, trying to control her etc''

How do you think that made her feel? Think hard about that. How she took you back 3 times I don't know. And then also in your own words you write

''Just how many times does a guy who made a horrid mistake, and don't 4get I lost as much if not more than she did have to say hes sorry?''

ERRRR I would say for a very very very long time !!

This isn't about buying her trainers or presents it's about YOU !! The greatest present that you could give her and more importantly YOURSELF is by turning your life around and seeking help for your addiction to drink.

You must understand what you have put your wife through and you must turn your life around for the sake of your wife,your son and yourself.

Every time you take a sip your choosing alcohol over your wife and son !!

This wont be easy Matt, you may have to stop seeing certain friends, take a different way home so you don't go past a pub but the prize for this hardship is the best prize in the world, Your life !!

I wish you every success in the future in kicking your addiction and I also take my hate of to your wife for taking you back three times.

She sounds a great lady Matt

Is she worth losing for a beer?


Take Care

Phoenix1

She is a wonderful lady, the best i ever knew, and i KNOW what i've done and am putting things right, or trying to. Like i said earlier, everything that seemed so hard or out of reach a few short weeks ago now seems so easy and natural.

I know its just a few pairs of trainers and material fings could never make up for the years of mental cruelty i've put her through, it was just that this was the only way i could show her that i do care. A week ago i woulda said i was too tired, stressed etc to do ANYTHING with her and my son.

I beg my wife to forgive me and give our family another chance, but it seems her mind is made up, i go today.

Thank you for your posative comments, but i really do think it is to little to late.

We had a fight last night...............well, more of a discussion really, and came to the conclusion that theres nothing more i can do. I let her read my posts on here and i think that kinda had some impact, the fact im seeking help and and am genuinly sorry for all the pain i've caused, but the bottom line is she dont love me anymore and never will.

Like i said, all i can do is try to be the best dad i can be and never let my son down the way i've destroyed my wonderfull woman.

Cillie, if your reading this, im so, so sorry. I love you and my son.........i never knew anything was wrong and i wish to God i'd found this site and you guys 6 months ago and all this might have been prevented.

Matt,
Thats quite a touching post !!

Whatever happens in the future DO NOT TURN TO ALCOHOL ''to help things''

You may of lost your wife but dont lose your life !!

You need to give her time Matt, Each time she has taken you back I guess you have said '' I will stop drinking or change'' but within a few weeks you are back to your old ways.

Try to look at this as a challenge and set yourself targets

Targets maybe things like, dont drink for a day then a week,and so on, and others may be to take your son to the park once a week or to the swimming pool.

You can't change over night but over time you can.

Take one day at a time and stay focused on the goal

Join www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
01904 644026

Throw away all bottles and reminders of drinking.

And always think about your son

Unless you fix yourself you can't fix anything else.

Take care

Phoenix1

Matt

I have thought long and hard about replying to your post, my intial thought was not to reply, but I have since read your second post.

Firstly, well done on recognising that you have a drink problem and taking that first step is a major stepping stone on your road to alcohol recovery. It wont be an easy road, but with the help and support of others, includng the likes of AA, and your own determination and self belief, you will get to the end.

I am married to an alcoholic (although no longer living together, and we are in the middle of divorce proccedings). I have full empathy with your wife, and all that she has had endure during your drinking years. You talked about all the years of control, put-downs, etc, believe me there is only so much of that that one person can take before they say enough is enough. There is always the vague hope that the drinker will change, will amend thier ways, kick the additition, go back to being the person that you fell in love with. But that is vain hope, the alcohol changes a person so completley that they are no longer recognisable as the same person you married. I tried so hard and so many times to help my husband, I did everything I could - I went to his GP, an alochol counseller, joined forums for recovering alcoholics, made enquiries to AA and residental clinics, you name it, I tried it. - but he would refuse all help and couldnt make that first brave step that you did - admitting he had a problem. It takes courage and strength to tell someone that thier drinking has ended the love you once had for them, courage and strength that sometimes takes years to find. I asked my husband if he would stop drinking in order for us to work on our marriage - he chose drink over me. For me, there was no longer a marraige worth saving afer he made that choice. In the end, I was not able to help someone who refused to help themselves. I had done all I could do, like your wife has.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions, and you have already made that first all important step, no-one made you drink, and in the end the drink controlled you and those who lived with you, That is not a life, it is a mere existence. Please continue with the recovery, it will save your life, and your relationship with your son. As for your wife, will she give you yet another chance? Only she is able to answer that question, but for me, there was no more chances left to give.

This is not meant to be a negative reply, or a critisim of your addiction, but an honest view of what it is like to be married to an alcoholic, and hopefully a chance to walk in our shoes for a while, in order to understand why your wife has had enough. Until you have lived in that situation, it is not possible to fully understand.

There is support in abundance out there for you, Matt, take it all, and recover, and enjoy the life you can look forward to. Keep posting, I would be interested to know how you are doing.

Take Care

Ruby

Matt,

I commend you for accepting not only that your wife has had enough but to state it and to openly regret the things you have done and haven't done that gave rise to this situation.

I am not saying it is all your fault; you are.

A huge part of married life is 'give and take' and when I write 'give' I mean GIVE.

It shouldn't be about material things, it's about giving of oneself - freely and without reserve and allowing the other to take without restraint, a smuch as they want with the joy it brings that your gift is wanted, even needed.

A marriage cannot be mended by a single act, that would be a pacth repair. Matt, I don't want to sound awful, but I doubt that your wife's forgiveness would be enough, either for you or for her, to bring you back together.

I leave it to the ladies on this site to give insight into what a woman values most in a husband, but in my mind I hope that you and your wife might agree that it could be worth it (for your son at least) if you can both agree to a trial separation and a stay of divorce proceedings while you try to address the faults you see in yourself and try to regain the Matt that was, the one you were when you both married.

But please consider, that true 'giving' asks for no reward. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't - you can still love her for who she is, irrespective of whether she is your wife or not and respect her right not to return that love, the love that she once had for you.

I wish you the strength, courage and resolve to try Matt.

All the Best to you all,

YA

Hiya Ruby.

Just wanted to say thankyou for the supportive reply. I also wanted to let you guys know im trying to remain posative about all thats happened and am doing something about it, lol...... I even bought a football yesterday for me and my son to kick around in the park, something i never ever saw myself doing.

I dont know what the future holds, but i do know my stbx wont be single for very long........ A woman like her deserves to be snapped up by someone who'll look after and cherish her, something i shoulda done a long time ago.

I dont know quite how im gonna handle that, but as and when the time comes, handle it i will. We all know what a minefeild new relaitionships can be, specially after divorce, but if things go wrong for her i need her to know that the man she fell in love with is alive and well and will never ever abandon her.

Why oh why could'nt i have said this years ago to the right person? Its exactly 1 week till our wedding aniversary today and exactly 4 years since i had that dreadfull affair thats cost me so dearly. Its so dark................

It might be dark Matt but it sounds like you may of turned the light on !!!!

Good luck stay positive and stay focused !!

Phoenix1