Please help me.................im a mess

I f**ked up tonight. We had an argument by text, i was worried about her and went round. Lots of hurtful things were said. I've undone everything i've been working towards........ what a mess.

Going to bed now, hope i dont wake up.

Matt,
Would be pretty p*ss*d off if you decided to give up at this point.
You have come a long way. We all have wobbles. You care. Big plus. Tomorrow ia another day - mistakes or no mistakes

Mike

Matt,

first thing biggest hug ever sent, my father was an alcoholic and I am a drug and alc counsellor so big up to you for being honest to yourslef by admitting to all you are an alcoholic. Give yourself some self respect and love for doing that. And as for staying dry at the mo run round your house arms waving and say what a dude I am!!!!!


Some positive here, my father was a violent alc, my step mother loved him so much. they divoced. Time took its toll. Time and counselling helped my dad, they are now remarried and just so happy. Life is a piece of .... but only you can take hold of it and so no more, only you can change. whatever happens in the future you can have control. Go you, relaspe maybe hopefully not but if so no loss of self esteem it is the nature of the disease, each day is a new day. take power.

So in awe of a person who can admit their failings like you have, big up you. You will sort things be it with your partner or not, love yourself,

Claire xxx

Well, i did wake up............Sh*t!
Went round this morning to collect our son so she could go to work. She looked so small and afraid of me, even though last night, in my defence i did'nt lose my temper, just said a lot of hurtful nasty things. I destroyed the only wedding photo we had, cant understand why i did that as her hanging onto that was one of the only things that gave me hope of a reconcilliaition. I would like to add at this point i had'nt been drinking, i've been dry since we split.
She says shes tired of the Jekyle and Hyde personality i seem to have developed over the years, and i am changing, but i guess like everything else, change takes time, it cant be acheived in a matter of 5 weeks.
My counciler says that all the hurt, pain, fear and guilt im experiancing now is because, through having counciling, i've realised and am now feeling everything shes been carrying around with her for the past four years and its being visited on me 10 fold. Does that mean i am making progress? The old Matt woulda just shrugged this feeling off and carried on regardless, but i cant shake it this time, its like an emptyness in the pit of my guts and nothing i do can fill the void that my collapsed marriage has created.
I never realised what it was like to be hurt emotionally, because of my upbringing i was kinda left an emotional cripple, but just because i never showed her how much i loved her, and because i never told her how much she means to me, does that make me a monster?
If it does or it does'nt, i certainly feel like one at the moment.

Thanks for listening guys.

M

Matt,

Monster no, but misguided, yes. You haven't been sensitive to her needs in the past and have undoubtedly been very unreasonable at times.

But the steps that you have taken in the last five weeks have changed you completely as a person. For the first time ever, you recognise an emotional situation that new Matt has dealt with differently to old Matt. RESULT!

Five weeks is not a long time to unravel the impact of several years problems. But hell, you have made progess in those five weeks.

I really admire that you didn't lose it and hit the bottle when you were so low last night. That again is a hell of an achievemment for new Matt.

Rome wasn't built in a day Matt. Early days, so take baby steps. But you have shown yourself that you have changed. Maybe you can show her that this change, whilst 'work in progresss' is a permanent change for the better.

Keep chugging along Matt. You are making definite progress.

Take care of yourself

Mike

Matt
Off topic a bit, but I would like to say well done for not having a drink and also you may not realise yourself but I can see you changing just from your postings.

Don't expect to change overnight Matt it will take time and you are getting there.

Stay focused, think before you act, and take care

Phoenix1

Matt,

The road is long but you are definitely heading in the right direction. You may hit the odd speed bump, the odd diversion but let nothing detract you from your ultimate destination.

Try and be courteous to other drivers along the way.

Do not use any nitrous oxide in your engine. External stimulants only make your car harder to control.

Keep to the speed limit and remind yourself of the highway code.

Everything will be OK mate.

Mike