Please help me.................im a mess

Hi again Matt,

your story makes my troubles feel small......

Take it step at a time, find yourself and your consistency

Best wishes

Kalamari

Well........ Here i am, all moved but not unpacked. Im staying with a good freind of mine until i can find/afford a place of my own. Took Luke out today to the Viking centre in York. He thoroughly enjoyed himself as did i! All these years i've been saying due to working nights im to tired or stressed to take them anywhere and i found myself really having a good time.

Well, we finished the tour and of course, i was dragged through the gift shop. Spent an absolute fortune, but just the look on his face was worth it. I dropped the usual stern and strict attitude and just let him wander around, picking things up and generaly let him do wot he likes. Christ, what have i missed? We drove back singing along to the radio and just generally talking...........Summat we've never really done before................. I had no idea 8yr olds were so interesting. We got a Mcdonalds, and went back to the house.

When we arrived all the windows were open, and loud music playing. That could mean only one thing, cleanng house! And yep, there she was, doing a large scale clean. Looks like she was trying to get rid of all the evdence of me outta our old room and the house. Guess her sister was right, she has moved on and this is the final stage. Im guessing she started the process a long time ago and i never noticed....... Damn.

Well, i played with Luke, watched a bit of telly with him and closed the loft hatch that i'd left open in the process of moving out. Knocked on our old bedroom door and said g'bye to her. The urge to just grab her and hold n kiss her was immesureable. She stood at the top of the stairs to say g'bye while was at the bottom............. The distance coulda been a thousand miles not just 12 stais up. Christ, what have i done? She asked when i was gonna come round to see him again and i said it was up to her to pick a time thats conveinient, she chose tommorow afternoon..........which i did'nt expect, i thought it would be later in the week.

Well, i left, managed to drive down the road round the corner where i pulled over. Tears in my eyes meant i could'nt see the road. Got back to my freinds and had a tomato juice n worcster sauce...{my substitute for alcohol} and tried to chill out. Sent Cilla a text to tell her i did'nt realise how easy it was to work nights and actually having a life {no x}. She responded by saying Luke loved to spend time with me {no x}. Should i have done that?

Christ, being a weekend dad is gonna suck!

aa matt aa.we are here of course but aa get them on board as well. they are the specialists that you need to support you on this journey.

Matt - I think you are very brave. Yes you messed up but you seem to know that now, and knowing it is the first step to full recovery.

I don't know anything about alcoholism but, as others say, get AA on board - it's helping you to be on here with all of us, so it will only help to join the AA and get support in that other big area of your life.

Your son's lucky to have a dad who loves him like you do. And whatever happens in the future with your wife you will always have your wonderful boy between you.

Good luck
xxx

To be honest, i dont miss the drink that much. On the way home from York me and Luke stopped in a pub, and we both had a coke.............lol, belive me, the feeling was more than a little liberating. Now that the shakes and sweats have subsided, i actually found it easy to stand at a bar and order a soft drink, summat i'd never have done before. {not that i condone drink driving of course. I just think i've finally woken up and seen that life dont really look any better through a little haze, it just seems that way, and that pulling your finger out, putting in a little more effort and just going with the flow and not trying to be so in control anymore is certainly a lotmore fullfilling.

To be honest, i dont miss the drink that much

yay, matt!! that is a huge statement to make!! well done! and glad to hear you had a great day out with your son.

Ruby

Thanks Rubes.
It was a good day in everyway, and also a shit day in many others...........why oh why did'nt i start doing this with his mum and him years ago?.

I won tickets for the Silverstone F1 few weeks ago and up until we split, Cill was supposed to be comming........... Im hoping, as its just 2 days after our wedding anniversary she'll have a change of heart and still decide to come with me. Its all i would want for the day, cos going without her seems pointless.