help me keep my wife - please

Hi

You have been given some good advice here. Some of it REALLY good. There may be a way to get your wife back and I really hope you will try it. The bonus is that it is the best thing to do EITHER way. By that, I mean if it fails to change things, then it will still be the best thing for you. So this is what you need to do (in my opinion). Excuse me for repeating what others may have said.

First of all. Do not beg. Stop it! It is hard I know, but you will actually make her feel even worse towards you. Don't give gifts/flowers or whatever. This is simply pressure and will be unwelcome. If you have already moved out, then so much the better. Don't phone/text/email or communicate with her at all. When she gets in touch with you (and she will) be polite and as nice as you can. Be the man she married! While you are separated, change the things that you may need to change. Not for her...for you! Lose weight (if you need to), get fit, get your self new clothes and stay away from booze! Get on with your life in the best way you can. You won't feel like it but do it anyway!

I think you get the message here? If not, email me and we will talk.

Without knowing your specific situation very well, this is the best general advice I can give for now. I hope you follow it.


Andy

Hi,
You sound just like my husband,I am the woman who said I don't love him any more. It is not a sudden decision, it built up over years, but when I told him , and he actually heard what I said he was gutted.
He has read every subject on the matter, and presents me with facts and print outs all the time."mid life crisis"
All this did was make me angry towards him, he was treating it as if it was a faze I was going through,and that I would get better soon.
I don't know the reasons why your wife made this decision, but I can tell you it is not an easy one to make.
My husband is a wreck, and I feel so guilty, but no matter what he does I will try to be supportive from a distance.
All he has managed to do is make me want to stay away, as I continualy get bombarded.
Try to stay strong, give her the space she needs, don,t push her away, Let her talk when she wants to, and listen to what she says, what I mean by that is don't just hear what she says, but listen.
I hope what I say helps a little, wish you well.

poor baby you are in the right place when our world feels as if it has ended and we don't know where to turn and we find wiki we have found a lifeline.
as buxton blokey says don't beg its so hard not to but by doing so you are taking yourself down a road of total humiliation and loss of what bit of self esteem left.the person leaving has usually convinced themselves that the person they are leaving is a totally inadequate ,useless,defective person they convince themselves of this in order to convince themselves that they have such a good reason to go,begging will reinforce the theory that she will probably have of you that you are weak an inadequate please don't go there.They usually have someone lined up in the background,soft place to fall secured nicely before they go.I am speaking from my own experience here.you have a long way to go and you have just started on the roller coaster,you will go through a grieving process,it is a very real process ,cannot be shortctted.come onto wiki everyday for true friendship and support,you will get through this awful period of life.everyone who has read your post will feel so deeply for you and will have a special kind of understanding that doesn't exist in the real world.you will be ok.

I am glad that others have put their point over. You will notice a pattern in all of them. Matt Im 15 months in and life is such a Sh***. es you can spend a fortune as I did and she revelled in it and the attention of other men. Cake and eat it scenario. I bought the books, had the councelling , you name it I did it. Rebuilding SLOWLY. And slowly it is.
There is one saying in one of my advisors books. ITS NOT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER...ITS HOW MUCH SHE LOVES YOU that counts.
Feed that into your situation and only you know the answer. You will drive yourself nuts if you try to hard. Im still on ADs , sleeping tablets etc. But the one thing is I have forved myself out into that big wide world which is alien to me after 25 years together. A word of warning. You are really on your own. Dont trust anyone until you know you really can. Thats why identities on this site are anonymous !!! A lot of stirring occurred when I confided in people so I lost a lot of riends..if they were friends in first place. Ive had to build up a new circle. Go to new places, force myself to do things. If I had spent as much money and rebuilding my life in the early stages instead of trying to win her back then I would not be in the same position I am today. Im in a dead end street looking for an exit. I will build a path through one day but it takes time. Realise your OWN worth and just because one person doesn't love you doesn't mean the rest of the world feels the same way. Believe me. I lost confidence and didnt understand how anyone could even like me for months. Private message me if you want. One tip I will give you. Make a list of things you have achieved daily. Next year you will look back and see how much you really have done. Keep reading the Wiki posts. YOU ARE NOT ALONE and all your feelinds are natural. Polar

Hi HB,

Hope you can hear the advice you have been given here. Everyone is right.

In my situation, I kept thinking that my s2bx husband had accepted it was over and he kept coming back for more. I really didn't want to hurt him (still don't), just wanted him to go away.

But he kept coming back. Each time he came back, I found that he wouldn't (maybe couldn't) listen until I hurt him. When he was hurt, his response was "there's no hope, it's over". My thoughts were "at last, he's got the message".

Then he'd come back again ......... and again. Each time this happened, it was an emotional roller coaster for both of us.

On his most recent attempt, I regret to say that I lost my temper and gave it to him both barrels and shouted how it was and that he had no chance with me. It's out of character for me to shout, I hope he's heard me now. He may have done, as we are now talking about how to split our assetts.

If your wife is anything like me, each time you try to get back with her, she'll disrespect you more and on each occasion you'll get hurt more.

I am a big believer in - if you love something let them go, if they truly love you, they'll return, if they don't return, then you never had them in the first place.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Em x

Sorry to harp back. YOU have to be strong. What woman wants a cringing, needy wimp who cant live without her. As has been said she will disrespect you. TRUE. Even as far down the line as I am I still have pangs of I love her. NO . I have pangs of love for what I thought she was...not what she is now. My daughter stayed with me and disrespects her mother..thus I see a female point of view. When she meets her mother she drops snippets into the conversation about I am doing XYZ. And do you know what. It produces silence from the other side as the ex does not believe that I would be doing these things !!! You do have a worth. You dont have to grovel. PS Im 59 and went out last night and was chatted up by an 18 year old !! Why..because I was interesting, smartly dressed, wasn't pushy, took an 'interest' in her life. Before people jump to conclusions I did not try to pick her up or follow through but it just goes to show that by working on yourself you can reap benefits. PS I was also chatted up by an older woman to. Same result. So work on yourself and prove to the other side what they are missing . Maybe it wont get you back together but it will help you move on. Nothing worse than selling shares in a company at 27p each and then watching them rise to £18.50 and I had 10,000!!! Now work on yourself . PM if any extra support needed.

and what you do not need is a fling with a new woman you are vulnerable and you have wide open wounds.take it a day at a time sweetie.stay away from ex2b force yourself to to put in place a no contact rule for your own sanity,i know you want to see her,smell her,find answers it just tortures the soul/stay away from her if it kills you,come on here let it out we will support you.one day at a time is the way forward for you thats all you can ask of yourself if one day is too much then one hour will do.