help me keep my wife - please

I am typing this as a devastated man. My wife has told me that she wants a divorce - she is unhappy and has fallen out of love. This has completely blindsided me. I know the last few months have been more difficult for us but I never thought this would happen. She is the one woman for me - the only person I see myself growing old with. I have vowed to changed and will fight to keep her. I have sent flowers, cards even a cookie bouquet but it seems to be too little to late. I love her more than life itself - any help out there?

I am so very sorry, as you say it seems too little too late, she hasnt just made her mind up to say this, it would have taken her a long time to come to this conclusion.
stop sending flowers etc and sit down and talk to her, ask her if you can both go to a counsellor, like relate etc.
see if there is any reasons that she feels she no longer loves you.
the only way to save your marriage is to keep talking ans sharing, be open and honest and ask her to be the same, even if it hurts yor feelings at the time it might help to heal the emptyness she feels, take her out to lunch to see if it is easier for her to talk in a neutral enviroment.
I hope you can work things out.
sorry i couldnt offer more.
kindest thoughts
dawn

Hey. Maybe I can help you, maybe I can't. Others will give their opinion as well hopefully. I to was blindsided. One morning woke up to the dear John note. Gone. Like you I was devastated. Then the SH*** hit the fan. The truth outed. I got the 'I wanted to leave years ago' story. I got the 'I want to be friends' story. Like you I was devastated to the point of a heart attack. Did she care. Nope. Did I chase her, buy flowers, presents etc. Yep. Did I try to change, lose weight, smarten myself up. Yep. Did it make any difference. Nope. Wasted time effort and money. Maybe more important I wasted time. Thhe old addage 'chase a dog and it runs away, walk away and it will follow you is so true. I was taken to base. I mean base. So please read Thomo's posts. That was me a year ago. Now Im slimmer, trimmer, leaner and meaner. So much so that my daughter looked at me at a show recently and didn't recognise me...she had only left home 3 hours before !! Prepare yourself for the worst. Anything better than that is a bonus. Physically you can change but mentally you will always be the same person unless like others on this site you were alcoholic or a druggy or similar. Mentally you will have to come to terms with a rough ride ahead. Use Wiki as much as you can. If you get back together then thats a huge bonus. If not Wiki will give you endless info on legal points and prepare you for the worst and save you shedloads on legal bills and costly mistakes.You have made the first brave steps by posting on Wiki. Now use the site whatever the outcome. We are here for you so ask questions either through the forums or by private messages. There are a lot of very good people on here who will help and point you in the right direction . More importantly they will hold your hand. I do hope others will give you their opinion so dont take mine as gospel as every case is different. Good luck. Polar

HI hartbroken,

Of course you are devastated and probably in deep shock. You say that you have been having difficulties recently, maybe these affected your wife more than you.
Only last week I told my husband I wanted a divorce. It has hurt me more than I can say, I am devastated. Last night I sat and cried for ages thinking back to the people that we were and how happy we once were.

My husband has reacted in the opposite way to you, speaks to me only when necessary and is politely cold and stays out of the way. He does not want to talk about us at all. I wasn't expecting him to beg me to stay,and I don't think I could anyway, but I feel hurt that he doesn't appear to be affected at all.It makes me think that he never loved me.

I would suggest you give your wife space, she must be feeling dreadful. Let her talk when she wants to but try not to make her feel guilty.

If she really does want and end then sadly you will have to respect her decision. No of us can change a person's feelings or make them love us. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

It's a sad lonely place to be, but do use WIKi as much as you need. There are some great people on here. It has been my lifeline.

Thinking of you

XXX Fleur XXX
You don't say whether you have children or not?

Hiya Hartbroken

I got the same story about 2 months ago, hence me living with a freind of mine and useing this site on a daily basis. Like you, i had no warning that she was so unhappy, no fights, arguments before hand.....just her telling me she was sick of my drinking and controling behaviour, and she wanted out!
Fleur is absolutly spot on...... You cant hold a gun to someones head and make them love you again, as it seems specialy to the female of the species, once its gone, its gone and so very hard to win back. Also, listen to Polar..... i wish i had his advice 2 months ago...... There is such a thing as trying to hard. I did the usual, flowers at work, promising to change etc.....and it did'nt work, she just saw this as me trying to preasure her into loving me again by pretending to be something i was'nt....... And although my actions were and are sincere, it was all seen as an act and she's in doubt it'll last, and if it wont last, whats the point?
Dont get angry with her {and it is a natural reaction}.....i was furious..... but again it just reaffirmed that my behaviour, even though i was having counciling at the time, will never change.
The best advice i can give to you my freind is......... Seperate as soon as possible, i know you dont want to, but she needs time and space. Dont text, call or email unless she prompts you to first. Be polite and civil at all times, if you love her like you say you do, this should'nt be hard. You will be told thigs you do not want to hear at times.....accept it, after all, shes made this life changing decision, there has to be some basis for it and unfortunatly, the truth does hurt.
Lastly, dont put your own life on hold, its gonna be difficult i know......i've dropped over 2 stone in 8 weeks but, and i'll be honest with you, although you'd take a bullet for your missus like i would mine.....this sh*t aint worth dieing over, doubley so if you have kids. A healthy body means a healthy state of mind.
Dunno if this helps, but i did'nt do any of the above, and all i managed to do was make her even more desperate to leave me behind than she was at the start.
Good luck m8, and keep posting.

Matt

I also had the same scenario. Mine started by me finding out about an affair she had last year. Went through all the emotions like anger, hurt etc and did all the things to try and make it work. Was all to no avail as she has now said she had fallen out of love with me years ago and had been living a pretense.

From the people I have spoken to, and backed up by postings on here, it is fairly common for a woman to fall out of love with her husband, live a pretense and then sudenly announce it.

It is also fairly common for us men to try and win them back and get back to the time when they loved us....the trouble is you can't force someone to love you again. The fact that you love her, won't make her love you, and by trying, my experience is that it just makes it worse.


When my wife moved out I was devasted - but I also realised I needed to take some positive steps. I have enrolled into evening classes for the first time ever, I have done internet dating and started seeing someone else and am finding she is making me feel very happy.

I do still have times when I feel low, but these are getting less frequent and last for less time.

I know it is hard to feel positive at the stage you are now, but take it from someone that has been there that you will come out the other side, and you can rebuild a different life and be happy again.

Hang in there!

Steve

Hi Sven. You cant make someone love you. It dont work like that and sendeing her flowers and chocs is the wrong thing to do. What Matt said is dead right. I had the same thing. It was kinda out of the blue. Married 12 years and then wham. The reason? Someone else. Not saying that everyone cheats but a lot do. In my case I wouldnt bow and scrape to get her back. I just wanted out. Now when I see her I cant believe I broke my heart over her. My life is so diferent now. I saw her fat boyfreind in the que at tesco recently and he is short fat hairy twat. It makes me feel good seeing him and her. Its been tough getting over it. I am in counseling now to try and undo all the shit that was done to me but I am getting there. Her on the other hand has made a massive mistake and I know that one day it will all come home to roost for her.

So if you realy want her back you have to play the long game. I dont want my ex back by the way. Wild horses wouldnt drag me back. But if you do want her back then just get on with your life. Go to the gym, eat well and change your look. You will feel so much better. In time you may realise that she isnt for you. But by then you will be a well sorted person ready for another relationship. All the best C.