help me keep my wife - please

Hi hartboken,

Only one friend supporting her decision??? That seems really odd. All my friends have supported me, in fact a lot of things have come to light such as, they never felt comfortable with him, he was remote etc.

I suspect that her friends realise she is not doing the right thing. Could this one friend have a hidden agenda? You sound a really caring father and nice man to think of your children's feelings when you are going through such trauma.

Try not to dwell on the negative things such as not seeing your children, just deal with the day to day issues as they crop up. Keep as calm as you can and speak to her in a cool but polite way. Avoid sarcasm.

If you take my advice you wouldn't tell her you love her. She would probably see that as pressure and you are giving her permission to hurt you even further by not replying.

I know that you are struggling to accept her decision, but appear as if you have. If you feel brave enough say something like " I know you have reached this decision and I respect it, so can we talk about the children's welfare, living arrangements etc? This will come as a shock to her, at the moment she is holding all the cards, leaving you out of control, try to regain some control.

If you are really brave start going out the odd evening, take yourself off to the movies or join a night school class. Don't tell her where you are going or where you have been. This is not designed to make her jealous but she is bound to be intrigued. It will also give her space to find out how she feels when you are not there.

As human beings we all want what we can't have. Make her think she hasn't got you anymore. It's a gamble but you haven't anything to lose.

Sorry I do ramble a bit but I really feel for you. You sound so nice.

XXX Fleur XXX

Dear HB

Keeping your wife would mean that she would need to want to keep you too, she has said that she doesnt, when you reach this tipping point, the point where one or the other partner says these words it is usually a point of no return.

Makes no difference what other people think, friends, family etc, I am still really close to my ex's family even though we dont see much of each other, her mum still calls me her son. All of her friends thought she was mad to let me go, but she did, and at the end of the day it was the right thing to do.

Living without my children is the hardest thing of all, the concept of waking up in a seperate house to them was the main reason we did not break up before we did.

I will give the same advice that I give regularly, and it is only a word really, dignity, try and keep yours, what is going to happen is going to happen. Man up my friend, make some plans, work out what you need to do, and then get on with it, its a long road, the quicker you start on it the quicker you will get there, wherever that might be.

I am 17 months down that road, happy to share my experiences,I am only a mail away if you want to chat,

Good luck

GM

Dear HB

Keeping your wife would mean that she would need to want to keep you too, she has said that she doesnt, when you reach this tipping point, the point where one or the other partner says these words it is usually a point of no return.

Makes no difference what other people think, friends, family etc, I am still really close to my ex's family even though we dont see much of each other, her mum still calls me her son. All of her friends thought she was mad to let me go, but she did, and at the end of the day it was the right thing to do.

Living without my children is the hardest thing of all, the concept of waking up in a seperate house to them was the main reason we did not break up before we did.

I will give the same advice that I give regularly, and it is only a word really, dignity, try and keep yours, what is going to happen is going to happen. Man up my friend, make some plans, work out what you need to do, and then get on with it, its a long road, the quicker you start on it the quicker you will get there, wherever that might be.

I am 17 months down that road, happy to share my experiences,I am only a mail away if you want to chat,

Good luck

GM

Well tonight was not very good. I am concerned about her mental state. I found laxative pills that she has been taking and she has gotten very hostile towards me. I guess I am ready to take that first step and go speak to an attorney (one that focuses on father's rights). I would like to try to get primary domicile of the kids (if that is the correct term). I know other dad's have done this, will it be just about impossible? I will talk with the attorney and see what they think.

I can't imagine a light at the end of this tunnel. I see why suicide is so high among divorced dads.

I am trying to stay positive but she is making it just about impossible.

This sucks.

Hi hartbroken,

I can't imagine a light at the end of this tunnel

Of course you can't at the moment. You have only just entered that long, dark tunnel and it has to be walked down slowly. But, one day you will feel better, be assured.

At least you are having positive thoughts about seeking legal advice, do it as soon as you can, it's important for you to establish your rights.

Her hostility comes from guilt, pure and simple. She is probably feeling dreadful just remember you haven't caused her feelings, she has.

Try to be positive, your children love and need you,you have work, you have friends (many more since you joined WIKI) you are in a bad place right now, but things will improve.

We're all behind you every step of the way.

Big hugs
Fleur

FLEUR wrote:

Her hostility comes from guilt, pure and simple.

I can totally identify with that. It's been over one year since my ex decided he was going off to be elsewhere; and all I kept trying to do was initiate us talking; (to help me understand the situation and find closure).

I couldn't understand that we'd been so close, and had talked and communicated so deeply during out relationship; that suddenly this person refused all contact. But the GUILT theory is the reason I never got any explanation.

I totally agree with the guilt theory. Its the only one Ive managed to come up with so far. Its how they deal with that guilt though. some people are able to abandon all and walk away and start a completely different life leaving those behind with the emtional turmoil as to why it happened. This is also compounded by the demands from the stronger person at a time when we are very weak. Once they settle into their new lives the guilt subsides and they ''appear'' happy . I say appear bcause they are able to accept what they have done and get on with their lives as they are devoid of the feelings of the partner they left. Basically my ex couldn't give a damn about my health, wealth, wellbeing as long as her life is going along happily. They will always have to live with what they have done but they cope with it better.