Give me a reason to continue

Hi Carrie, only you know the answers to the questions you ask. I battled on for 10yrs trying to make my marriage work-unfortunately it took me that length of time to realise that there was only me working at it.
My stbx blames me for not understanding his alcoholism or depression-yet I think I understood it far better than him.
I couldn't call it a day,no matter what friends and family said, until I accepted the fact that it was well and truly over.
The only positive thing for me havng waited 10yrs, is that my children are all adults, and I do not have to force them to have contact with him.
I do-in my bad moments, get very angry at myself for not getting out sooner, but as I say, I wasn't ready to accept that the marriage was well and truly dead.
Do I wish the outcome had been different-oh yes.
If you feel there is still some future for you both, stick at it-but as I say, I think only you know that.
Take care

Hi Carrie,

I am a newbie at this and still in the throws of discovering where I went wrong. My wife felt I was not there for her 18 months ago when she needed me - - as a result she looked elsewhere - but this was her choice and it was not because I was not trying everything I could think of.

We have now found a counsellor who is helping us to find the value in ourselves - even if we dont see it in each other. This has been a revelation to me as I realise I have been in pain for a long time and our relationship went downhill.

I have no idea where this gets me to - but I feel a better person and more able to look to the future.
I only wish I had gone to counselling years ago.

So there is hope for us all

Dadsrus

I follow Mike's viewpoint, ie don't automatically assume your husband is "playing away" and head for the lawyers.
Also, as a bloke, I am aware that men think and react to pressure very differently to women. So please first think very carefully about how you are approaching him, reduce the emotional tension and make sure he can relax at home. Then check you are positively communicating your 'vison' for the marriage. & check that this vision is realistic - don't expect a sports nut to suddenly want to go to see 'Sex and the City'! This is the area where counsellers can be really helpful - they will be more independant than family and friends. (Not necessarily easier on you though).

But heyho, I'm here at wikivorce - so don't assume I'm any expert!

Best wishes, Kalamari

thank you for your wonderful help - I am so unused to someone being interested. We have 3 children in total one 22 and one 20 they are fantastic and independent now.
my youngest is 13. He has hurt me so much in the last 3 years with his snide remarks and comments and I have just kept taking it and have lost credibility with him now I supposed and he thinks I am weak and needy and that's how I feel! My friends all think I am mad.
I am really worried about the financial side of things. We owe 24,000 and have equity of about 175,000 so I will owe him half of this -24,000 so I am worried about this. I don't want to rent i have worked hard all my life and want to keep my lovely (but very very modest house) which I have had all my children grow up in.
We are 44 and he was a lovely husband I do not know what has happened but the past 3 - 4 years have been bleak.

from your answers I think most people would agree i have tried bloody hard but he hasn't thrown me any lifelines - its his way or no way and his way includes acting like a teenager doing what he wants. What on earth happened to my lovely husband?

Carrie,

You do not necessarily 'owe' anything financially. How it is worked out depends on a number of factors. - including earnings, pensions etc. You have a 13 year old. I assume this child would stay with you if you did split?

Read some of the posts about financial settlements and come back and ask questions. Even if you do persuade your OH to talk, it wouldn't do any harm to know how you stand financially if you do end up splitting. That would be one less thing to worry about.

If you find out what happened to your lovely husband - perhaps that would give me a few clues about where mine went.

Hadenoughnow

Hi Carrie and hadneoughnow

Me too - my lovely husband of 21 years just completeley disappeared on 17th Feb 2008 and has been replaced by a selfish, arrogant, lying, cheating bastard who is looking to relive his youth and forgotten that I ever existed. At least we know we are not alone. Kx

Hi Carrie

Sorry to hear you’re having such an awful time.

Your story is very familiar, but one of your sentences really struck me:

‘if I divorce I will be losing the love of my life who doesn't love me’

Nail on the head, Carrie. Do you want to continue with somebody you think doesn’t love you?

Reading between the lines, your husband’s behaviour appears as classic affair-type stuff for all of us whose partners have been unfaithful. For others whom have been browbeaten for years, it may appear as a cry for help. Whatever the reason, it sounds as though he has you over an emotional barrel and I can’t stress enough the importance of seeking help. You shouldn’t have to feel you have ‘lost credibility’ with a partner - that makes him sound like your employer, not your equal! If there is still love there, he will attend Relate with you. I’m with Young Again on this one – if he can’t attend, then you cannot force him and you need to move on with you and your daughter as priorities. Being alone isn’t ideal but it is preferable than having your confidence destroyed and being perpetually unhappy.

As you can see, lots of us once had a lovely husband (applies equally to wives!) so we know what you’re going through. Feel free to message us or join chat and you will see you’re far from alone in this.