Give me a reason to continue

After 18 years together I am at the end of what I can take emotionally. I thought we were happy, he doesn't know what he wants. he changed his work to 12 noon to 8pm (I work 9 to 3) he doesn't come in every night til after 10pm he plays golf most weekends (although he has told me he has only played 5 out of the last 20 weeks) but he doesn't like spending to time with me! Last year we had a row about him not spending time with me and being unemotional - he says i always nag him about this - but i feel needy!! he hasn't worn his wedding ring since and he knows this hurts me. He has stayed out late on a number of occasions (til after midnight) and is uncontactable and told me not to grill him. He thinks i should go for a divorce as he can't give me what I want (a husband who comes home, has tea with me and watches TV and hopefully has sex with me sometimes) (He doesn't want sex) when i cry he gets annoyed - i try talking to him but he withdraws i know i come across weak and pathetic and he'd respect me more if i was strong. but i feel down and he isn't supporting me.
I feel pushed into a corner - if i divorce i will be losing the love of my life who doesn' love me. if i stay i will be emotional wreck but always a chance he will fall back in love and i have the financial aspect to worry about - is he taking me for a ride - he's doing what he wants when he wants whilst i am at home looking after our daughter - will i wake up one morning in 10 years thinking stupid cow - you (I) wasted my life waiting for someone to love me who doesn't.
He gives me nothing to work on - no hope or olive brnch - no we need to work on this to be ok - its a blank this is what i am doing i can't give you want you want.
please someone give me some advice. Do I divorce ? I am in a no way situation
thanks
C
x

Carrie,
Welcome to Wikivorce, the home of the emotionally unhinged. It is pretty awful when you just don't know what to do for the best. You are obviously looking at all avenues, whilst your husband is doing a fairly typical male thing of sticking his head in the sand and hoping it will all calm down.

How long have you been married? how old is your daughter?

All marriages can go through difficult times for a variety of different reasons. Couples take each other for granted in different ways.

He thinks you should go for a divorce because he thinks he can't give you what you want? What DOES he want? What DO you want? Is there some common ground? What did you used to do together that you both enjoyed? Did you ever have any 'us' time? Is he having any sexual problems? Can happen to men at a certain age and it is not something men feel comfortable talking about to anyone.

Have you thought about seeing a marriage counseling service like Relate? SOmetimes we react to the symptoms, but not to the cause. Maybe he has issues that he doesn't feel comfortable in talking to you about. Maybe he feels that he will be browbeaten if he raises certain things. This is where counseling can help, as it gives both the opportunity to outline their issues in a non-confrontational environment. In today's fast moving 'now, now, now' society, we sometimes forget to make time for each other. Once we have crossed the boundary and feel uncomfortable, it is hard ot get back without some help.

Just my thoughts carrie. Maybe others may have a different angle.

Whatever you decide, decide for the right reasons, based in fact and not supposition. Best of luck

Mike

Carrie,

Welcome to wiki .. and to a whole world of people who know what you are going through.

I am sure you will get more posts from people whose situations exactly mirror yours - unfortunately there are a lot out there.

You sound like you are drifting at the mercy of this man and his whims .. and he can treat you like that because you let him - because you love him.

Try to step back and take a look at your situation. Imagine someone you knew was describing this life to you. How would you advise her to act?

Having spent far too many years suporting a man who didn't deserve it - and is now throwing it all back in my face, I can tell you I wished I had been stronger a long time ago.
It would have been better for the children too.

Think hard about what you want - not just about him but the things you deserve, comfort, security, support, hugs - write a list. Then work out whether you think that is what you get now - or will get in the future if nothing changes.

I am not for one moment suggesting you walk away from your marriage lightly. It is a 2 way street though. In the marriage vows you both made the same promises to each other. Is he keeping those promises?

If you think you have a relationship that is worth saving, try to get him to go tou counselling. If he won't even do that then I think you will have your answer.

It is a cliche - but life really is NOT a rehearsal. Even after 18 years of marriage you are young enough to re-discover yourself and go out there and live the kind of life YOU - and your daughter - deserve - not the life he chooses to give you. That is your reason to continue ...

Stay with us, pop in to chat if you need cheering up and don't forget to tell them you are a newbie.

Look after yourself

Hadenoughnow

Know what you're going through, I think everyone in here does. I can almost guarantee he won't go to counselling or relate, they never do, you never get that second chance to change as they have already moved on. I truly believed I was a bad person who had "made his life hell" for 22 years of marriage and 3 children, I truly believed I was at fault, then I found out he was seeing my best friend and all his whinging on and excuses for not making a go of it were just a smokescreen for his sordid affair. I'm not saying your husband is playing away but at this stage you can only pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take him to the cleaners. Consult a good solicitor if you can afford it, find out the full financial situation and use mediation if you want to keep costs down, but gather everything together and get started. If by any chance he is genuine, just you taking control back and moving forwards might be the catalyst for change. I know I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for the kids, they still need me but believe me I know how low you can get. You must carry on, take control and find out what you are entitled to, if he has any love for you he will do something or yes, he may, just let you go and get on with his life without you. Day at a time is all you can do.

I'm not saying your husband is playing away but at this stage you can only pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take him to the cleaners. Consult a good solicitor if you can afford it, find out the full financial situation and use mediation if you want to keep costs down, but gather everything together and get started

Sorry Joaneym, take deep offence to your approach. I was guilty of not being the most attentive husband, but when you have been consistently browbeaten and knocked back for several years, it kind of takes away the impetus to be the driver for change. Men and women think quite differently and react very differently to emotional situations. You seem to suggest that rather than try to salvage the marriage, just issue proccedings forthwith? Hmmmm. So he won't take umbridge at that? He won't come out guns blazing and fighting? Whilst I respect that your own situation is very personal to you and your husband commited the biggest act of mistrust possible with you, not all men are the same. The symptoms of the relationship problems may appear the same, but that doesn't mean that he has started a new relationship with someone else. He might be desperately unhappy, have major issues, be worried sick about failing his wife. For a wife take legal advice and start proceedings against her husband without attempting to resolve matters is akin to the trust issue of a man having an affair. Don't tar us all with the same brush. I am sorry that your own marriage broke down, and would not wish it on my worst enemy. But please do not assume all men are the same.

Mike

I cant advise you one way or another but I can tell you a snapshot of my story. I was neglected in a similar way for at least 10 years (been together for 19) and too be honest in hindsight things were never right. I decided recently that i wasnt about to spend the rest of my life this way and have made it clear I want out. Hes now declaring undying love for me but of course its too little too late and the petition is in the post.

All I will say is can it be resolved? Try counselling if you think it can. If not then dont waste your life, you only get one of them. Just my opinion

Good luck and start trusting your own judgement, think carefully about what you really want.

Hi,

All I can say is that a spouse who does not react to another spouse's clearly and directly expressed concerns is a symptom of a marriage that is on the rocks.

In my opinion, any man who does not wear a wedding ring that he has freely worn at the start of the marriage is either concerned about damage to it (eg during bricklaying etc) or wishes he were no longer married.

The wishes may be temporary or based on some erroneous assumption, so talking is always good - however we are all adults here and pretence helps nobody.

I would say Carrie that you ask if he is interested to perhaps making some time to go to counselling to see if the marriage can be made better as your attempts so far have not resulted in much change (if any).

If he can't be bothered to make time for that then don't bother carrying him any further and get on with your own life. This may or may not include divorce.

Good luck

YA