Give me a reason to continue

It’s hard when the person you thought was going to be there for the rest of your life, who vowed to stand by you etc, turns into a person who seems to hate you more than any other.

I struggled with this concept for the last 5 years or so of my time with my ex. Truth was she could see no good in me and I no good in her any more.

I didn’t play away, I continued to wear my wedding ring (she didn’t, claimed it was too small) I didn’t come home late every day, etc. Our relationship was unbearable, both because we were both so unhappy, and because it just isn’t supposed to be like that when you are in love, is it?

Anyway, I was too scared to do anything about it for a long time, primarily because of the children; they are still young, much younger than yours. What would we do about the children, money, debt, accommodation, possessions, etc, where would I go, how would she cope, what would people think, etc.

Truth is we tried Relate, Therapy for her depression etc. We were broken, there was no repairing our relationship, we were awful to each other, and once we had answers to the questions listed above we agreed that I should take the leap. One thing that we did do during the split was to admit that we were both to blame, reluctantly, in my own mind I did this so that we didn’t continue to argue, it also made it easier for us to communicate to our families. They had intervened before when our relationship had gotten rocky, I am somebody who is very logical and factual, she has an emotional and romantic bias, when ever we argued previously we had always come from completely different places in our stances, probably neither of us were ever completely right or wrong.

When she was going through some of our old stuff, she found mementoes, pictures, some evidence of the life we once had, and she wobbled a bit, I didn’t, having made the emotional jump, thinking how my life could be different, there was no turning back. A year on I sometimes have to pinch myself to see if I was really that brave, we are not out of the woods yet, and I am still sad about the children being with her an not me.

You are obviously scared about the concept of separation, you have lots of un-answered questions, do you face into them, or just carry on being unhappy?

I wouldn’t dare to recommend either, only you can judge what is right for you, I will say that I believe that everybody deserves a chance to be happy and live a fulfilling life.

Stay in touch and good luck with what ever you chose to do.

GM

Hiya Carrie,

All I can add is a cautionary tale : for years I tried to make our marriage work because I thought it was my duty to do so. This attitude strangely enough makes the other party - if they are in a delusion of self-centredness as was the case here - think that what you are doing is normal and their due. Flogging a dead horse and all that...
And the more you try, the more you think " it must be me not trying hard enough " !
WRONG !!!
You have to look after yourself and any children.
With hindsight I should have taken my son and left 10 years ago.
Now aged 55 I am slowly picking up the pieces.
Please, please, don't make the same mistake !
I wish you fortitude for the long road ahead
Red XX

your story sounds like me no self esteem thanks to his constant put downs criticsm ,me blaming me for all of it he felt more comfortable blaming me and i truly believed what he said to me.hanging on for any old tiny crumb of affection.they get less and less.My only bit of reassurance that i was ok and safe was listening for myex2b to spray his deodrant 12 seconds under each arm every morning before he went to work .somehow in my twisted world i convinced myself that this meant he loved me.they can try and push you into heading off to get a divorce in order to blame you and say it was you who wanted it.your storey sounds like mine wedding ring got lost 4 years ago,etc/the private detective unearthed the affair for me.it cost a lot for me it was about understanding that i was not as mad as he had told me that i was.it was about me looking into the eyes of the man i loved with all my heart,despite the abuse,and looking at the genuiness of his face but knowing he was lying.Once one party decides its over,its over its as cruel and horrible as that.

whatever we are here for you.it won't make sense to you but you deserve so much more what would you say to someone else in those shoes of yours.

hugs jelly

Hi Carrie
There are lots of people on here who have felt and do feel the same as you which you must now know from the amount of replies to your post.

There are a couple of points I would like to pick up on

You said he is the love of your life but you need to question this as I had to. How can he be the love of your life when he treats you like this? I realised how I really felt after writing down everything I loved about them when we first met and then what they are like now, I ended up with two very different answers and realised that the person I married was not the person I was then living with, The person you marry and then leave are two very different people.

You then said '' I know I come across weak and pathetic and he'd respect me more if I was strong. but I feel down and he isn't supporting me.''

HE SHOULD RESPECT YOU REGARDLESS !!! a husband who does not respect you is not worth having in my eyes !! And you are not weak and pathetic which everyone on here will agree with. You only feel like this because he has made you feel like this.

There is life after divorce and it is worth carrying on, as fate plays a strange game sometimes and despite everything that you are going through at the moment there is an end and I hope like mine it will be a happy one.

Take care

Broken1

Hi Carrie

Welcome to wiki

Dont blame yourself for whats happening in your marrige, if the person cant even take the time to at least mention they have a problem then they are the ones at fault, as other have said make one concerted effort to get him to see what hes doing and that you both try attend counselling, then take it from there if nothing happens then at least you cant say you never gave it your best shot and the blame is souly on the shoulder of your H.

Should you feel that you cannot take it any further then a least you can use unreasonable ground for a divorce collecting evidence date of thing hes siad or done then start looking out for you, come back to us should you go down the route of divorce we can give you a good idea of what to expect and what to do, Joaneym's idea it's only born out of anger and revenge, which in time does disapate but seems to last for ever after a while of talking about it you start to laugh at some of the situatioins you remember and they fade into the sunset also, you will still remember but then after a few moments it drops out of your mind as if youd just pulled away from traffic lights you no longer need to pay it any attention

Max

i think its called a mid life crisis.

K i so relate to youxxx changing overnight I feel is the hardest bullet to chew