Mediation - does this sound realistic ?

I am trying to distract myself from my rubbish solicitor and so have been thinking about my first mediation session this Friday.

I am not too sure what to expect, only that stbxh won't budge from a 50/50 offer. I understand it's basically a negotiation process and will take time but I am unsure what a likely and fair outcome would be.

I have a couple of ideas of what I think the kids and I would need, but wondered if anyone can advise whether or not they are realistic.

I have posted these details before but quick summary.

Him 53
Me 45
2 children ages 17 boy and 14 girl.
Lived Together 18 years - married for 6 years
House small 3 bed - value £500,000 mortgage £25,000. We have lived here 17 years and he bought it off his ex wife. Mortgage in his sole name.
Savings him £140,000 ( from a pension commutation 4 years ago )
Me none.
Earnings - him £40,000 for a 3 day week. Police pension already in payment of £30,000 a year.
Me - currently nothing but now well enough to look for work. Realistically only looking at a salary of £16,000 full time to start with. No pension not even state one as have not paid enough NIC. Have worked part time for 8 years.
OW - of course I understand her circumstances really don't come into it but she earns £70,000 pa and owns flat worth £400,000 no mortgage. I just mention it because I think it is relevant to housing needs.

He is currently living with OW in her one bedroom flat so will have to move if he is to have the kids overnight. They currently don't have any contact with him as they don't want to. I am trying really hard to change this and help ex mend the relationship with them. But he won't listen. 6 months on they have seen him twice.

He has refused to get a CETV ( or CEB) for his pension for now so feel like I am negotiating blind for now. Reading through this site and trawling the internet I think the worth would be somewhere in the region of £500,000 plus.

So what I would like ( and I really do appreciate it comes down to what I need not want ) is basically the equity from the house and child maintenance, up to the kids leaving university. Not asking for spousal maintenance.
My priority is housing the kids and I. I know this may seem short sighted. But to be fair he worked very hard for 30 years for his pension ( policemen hold onto this very tightly !) I am not trying to crucify him just house me and the kids, pay off the solicitors bill, and move on independently. I am (only ? ) 45 so feel if I work full time until retirement I can save for my own pension pot or plan. We all want to move as the house feels horrible now as it was so much our family home. So don't want a delayed sale or Mescher order. But we will need pretty much all the equity to get another 3 bed house in a cheaper area.

He can keep the savings as well so he has money to put down for a house.

How realistic do you think this might be ? I know the question of how fair it is a different one. Sorry this post went on a bit !!! And thanks in advance for any advice.

If current house is worth £500k and only has a £25k mortgage there seems little point moving if you will need all the equity as costs of selling and buying somewhere else will probably be in excess of £25k anyway.

He may have worked very hard for his pension. Your contribution to the marriage is equal to his.

If he wants to keep his pension he will have to offset it against something else.

Thanks for your reply wyspecial.

I agree to a certain extent about the house, but neither the kids or I want to stay here. We were ( I thought wrongly ) a happy family and it just feels like there is a giant hole in it. Financially yes it would make more sense to stay I know but I just want to make the kids happy again and think a fresh start would help.

Also I am guessing if we stay, when the youngest is 18 I would have to sell and split the equity. This would then not leave me with enough money to buy another house, though possibly I might by then be in a position to get a small mortgage. How would I house them in university holidays etc ? I just want them to have a home as long as they need it.

With regards to the pension, I know I probably sound daft. But it was like the holy grail for him at the end of 30 years service. Haven't quite managed to switch of all my feelings for him yet, despite what he has done and I don't feel right taking this away from him. Probably stupid and ask me 6 months further down the line I'll no doubt have changed my tune !!

So I was hoping I could get him to offset the pension for the house equity but as I know £1 pension is not the same as £1 equity, I really don't know if this is a feasible option. I doubt he will think it is.

Also I meant to add that from reading posts on this brilliant site I have realised a few things about the pension.

Even though he is drawing £30,000 a year already any share I received would not be paid to me until I am 60. I also think ? That if I had a pension sharing order, his pension would imeadiately be reduced and therefore his income would be reduced affecting child maintenance amounts etc.
I've tried to get my small head around the difference between pension sharing and pension attachment orders.

So my priority remains the here and now and housing needs. I have no clue if he has looked into any of this and not sure if I should be open and share my knowledge at mediation.

Aaarrggh - I am just looking for a fair settlement. But it's hard because I don't really know what that is.

All I do know is from his perspective it's his house - my home was always the phrase he used. He now feels as he was the breadwinner and I have leeched ( even though all decisions were shared with regards to my working ). His pension, his savings, basically everything his, except apparently responsibility for his kids.

It doesn't seem a hopeful point to start from for negotiations !!

He seems to want the pension.

You seem to want the house, or at least the equity in it.

Your 23 years from retirement and can't live in a pension so would be better having the house and downsizing in the future.

If the house is sold he may argue that you should buy somewhere cheaper. I don't know where you live but if 3 bed houses are half a million quid it must be expensive.

It is expensive !! South east, small commuter town 30 mins from London.
Kids both at grammar schools they love so don't want to move far. Lived here all my life and love it. But if we sell I don't think I can get anything similar here after costs, fees and divorce bills etc so would have to move 10 miles away ish to a bigger town and then think I can get a 3 bed for around £425,000. Seems the only feasible option unless I am prepared to stay here, which is still last resort for me.

I am just trying to arm myself with knowledge before I see him, which is why I have been researching the pension. He seemed genuinely shocked when he asked if I was going after his pension and I replied it's all in the pot. Everything is going to be a battle as he truly believes I deserve nada. Will never get my head around the personality transplant but it seems all too common.

So if I received the equity, £475,000 and just child maintenance and he kept his pension and savings intact £140,000 is that a reasonable idea ? Or am I being greedy and expecting too much ?

I am not, and never have been a grasping cow and I am being made to feel I am trying to fleece him. I just want to buy a house, look after my kids and move on.

It seems to me that these men seem to change the goal posts when it suits them. "We" were saving hard so "we" could retire early, his pension was becoming his obsession, I just missed all the clue.
His chronology was laughable. I worked pre marriage and almost continually post marriage, low paid and flexible to cover child care,etc. but apparently I didn't contribute to anything. Oh except having the children. Thank god for that otherwise I would have had to demand a DNA test. I must say my feelings were very much like yours a year ago but I now understand all the devious money moving ,saving schemes he has undertaken to prevent me getting access to what he had decided is his.
You need to be careful in ruling out SM, you dont appear to be that well at the minute, I injured myself and was out of action for 15 weeks, no earnings and nothing to live on. You never know what is around the corner and if he is working and earning and living life while you are struggling, that is very wrong.
I am very glad that I haven't allowed him to rush me through things as time is knowledge. I am so much wiser now and I have a clearer understanding of what I need.
Your sol has to sort out some financial back up for you as a matter of urgency.
Good luck for tomorrow.