Mediation - does this sound realistic ?

Hatton1 wrote:

Thanks Wyspecial,

To be honest I was going to suggest I have the house equity and he keeps both the savings and pension. I doubt he will even consider that so to ask for half the savings as well might be good as a negotiation point but unlikely to happen........

By the sound of things the house and pension are worth similar amounts so if you offer to split the savings 50/50 it would be a good negotiation point. You could then settle for less but have enough to pay off mortgage. Also look if any lump sum will effect your benefits.

I am going into mediation with very low expectations.......

By the sound of things mediation will be a be a BIG wake up call for him.

Hi no we didn't actually get to the final hearing - we settled at the FDR, stupid thing was we settled on what I offered him at the first FDR, could have saved lots of money, but heh ho.

I have two children who were 14 and 16 at the time and our overall split was 50/50, I got 60% of the house and 40% of his pension and he got it the other way round. We had no savings as he had already spent all of that and again as it wasn't there any more it wasn't taken into account. I also don't think I had a very sympathetic judge!!

Initially I did make the offer that he kept his pension which was worth more than the equity in the house and I kept the house, but he wanted us out. At least that didn't happen.

Good luck with mediation, hopefully it will be the wake up call that you need him to have.

I cannot believe how helpful you are all being. I really really appreciate it.

Wyspecial,

Yes perhaps that might be a good place to start negotiations. It just sounds a bit much and I would like to think we had a chance of resolving things out of court. I am going to stay an optimist if it kills me !

With regards to getting a lump sum, I am not getting any benefits, except child benefit. I am more than happy to look for a full time job, I just wanted to have a couple of weeks off after the op before I started searching. I then assumed because it will be fairly low wages, I can claim tax credits to top this up. Then together with the child maintenance we will be able to manage. Would a lump sum affect tax credits ? I haven't looked into this too much yet as I am not working yet.


Funny Farm,

Your situation sounds very similar. Nuts that you ended up with a deal so similar to what you offered. My kids are the same ages so I may end up with a similar outcome except for the savings. This worries me as I still won't have enough to buy a house outright and have no chance of getting a mortgage. I am hoping the disparity of our incomes might sway my chances of getting more equity. It also concerns me that it may all come down to whether the Judge is having a good day or not !!!
I hope you and your kids are doing well now.

Well Friday sounds like it will be interesting and a day out if nothing else !

At the end of the day keeping a roof over your children heads is the main priority and there are many ways that this can be achieved.

You may be entitled to spousal maintenance, depending on the disparity of income, and if so can perhaps capitalise on that which may give you more of the savings. There are so many ways that everything can be looked at.

Good luck on Friday and please let us know how you get on.

All I would say is try to come to an agreement and avoid court if at all possible.

Quick update.

Well I was clearly an axe murderer in a previous life as I ended up back in hospital for 4 days with a kidney infection and therefore had to cancel the mediation session. It's now rebooked for 22nd.

Unfortunately everything got on top of me and feel like I have had a minor breakdown. So cross as I thought I was a strong person but I just couldn't cope with one more thing going wrong ! I didn't have any money for petrol to get to the hospital and I phoned the ex to beg him To transfer £30 but he just told me I should have budgeted better and refused. Luckily a neighbour took me as I hadn't realised I was going to be admitted. But I think his attitude finally broke me. He obviously didn't care I was ill, I am used to that by now, but then he said I suppose this will delay you getting a job even more. How can you spend 18 years with someone and not know this is how it will end up.

He then contacted me this week to say he has handed in his notice at work, which I guessed was coming, to harangue me about the kids not wanting to see him, and saying he won't pay me spousal maintenance I asked for ( I only requested £250 a month because it was such a short term thing until I got a job ) I simply have had enough.

Anyway feeling much better physically but still a bit dodgy mentally ( some would say nothing new there !!). So I phoned the mediation service and asked if we could have separate appointments and shuttle mediation. I am not sure I have done the right thing and if this reduces the chance of coming to a resolution but I feel I can't cope with seeing him. I can't let him see me break down. Is this a bad idea not being in the same room ? I feel pathetic that I can't deal with him and I am really sorry for having a moan on here, just so sad that my life has come to this.

Aargh - will get back to positive mode next week!!

You are doing brilliantly. We all have good days and bad but the bad ones do get less as time goes on. Karma keeps kicking me up the backside in silly ways but im relying on the fact when she gets her act together he is going to wish he lived on a different planet. Its the only way I can cope. I was very worried about my stbx seeing me upset but I rationalised this with the fact that I didnt want him to see that he had changed me into a harder, less caring person.I class myself as a kind, caring, considerate person that would do anything for anyone and HE is not going to change that. I was upset and I did cry but the things the mediator was saying to him and his stupid unkind responses soon sharpened my senses. Stick to the facts and you wont have to worry. The more lies and deceit that they start spouting the deeper into trouble they talk themselves.
You are fighting for your kids and the rest of your life. You have worked hard being a mum and many other things. It was not our choice to change the way our lives are heading but we have to pick up the pieces and do the best we can for our family. Stay strong, keep talking. We will get there.
xx

A kidney infection is nasty and let's face it, the hospital wouldn't have kept you there without good cause. Very glad you've made a good recovery.

I imagine most of us have felt as though we were losing the plot several times in the whole process of divorce. It would probably be wise to have separate or shuttle mediation if you feel it would be too stressful to be in his presence. You are not being pathetic, you're just looking after yourself and that could set you back when maintaining your recovery is vital. Just go there and tell the truth. Hold your head high and tell it as it is.

We understand your despair at the moment, but try to believe that gradually it will get better. Naturally at the moment you won't be coping very well, but the support on the Forum is brilliant, so talk to us, your family and your friends and you will get through this.