Divorce is good ....

Totally with you on this one alfonleas. Was trying to find the right words to write but you have written them. My stbx was my first and only love. I thought it was forever. I have forgiven him everything and would every day of the week because I thought love was unconditional. He wasnt perfect but he was mine. We have made 2 perfect human beings, reflections of ourselves. This is an unbreakable connection that we have.
We made a promise to each other in front of our family and friends.
Would I rather be married and have things like they were , of course. I think it has all become a bit too easy for people to say they`re bored, the grass is greener. Maybe if the penalties were greater, bored partners may try to keep what they once had.
Im not including bad behaviour in this. If there are legitimate circumstances then fine. but if you have given your heart and soul to your loved one, I dont see how you can just shake yourself down and say, oh well better luck next time.
Thinking of you all, happy, sad, struggling and sorted. Its a mountain that has to be climbed and there are many different paths to get to the top, but get there we will.

Hi all,

There are so many different ways of looking at things, so many different perspectives, because yes, we are each individuals and our stories unique. Not one shoe fits all, so we have our own thoughts and ideas of how things were, are and should be.

My own take is following the same path as afonleas and itsbeenalongtime. Six years on and in the grand scale of things, life is good, I try every day to take stock and count those blessings, those little things that count, but at the same time, I feel like an apple corer has extracted that middle part, from my head to my toes, something deep within has gone and been discarded, never to be replaced. Gone for good.

Yes itsbeenalongtime, I get it, I totally agree, things are never the same once children come along, that bond is something that can not be put into words, for me anyway.

I try daily, to remember what went wrong, those lessons learned and I look deep within at my own faults to scrutinise the part I played, but however I dress it up or dress it down, loving someone like that can never be replicated, he is part of me, always will be, never to be replaced.

Learning and acceptance comes with hard work for all of us. The deep rooted sadness that I know I feel from time to time, reels me back in, so yes Afon, Wiki I agree is a good place, a necessary place for us to give back what we took, to lend a shoulder to cry on, put out a hand of friendship, because there is no place like divorce and separation, it is unique in it''s own right, it is unfortunately what it is.

I hope that one day, peace will be restored and the moving on process becomes easier for all of us, but regardless of stages, we are all in this together, helping each other, for better or worse! It is our home in troubled times and like Dorothy said ''There''s no place like home''!

Take care for now FoS x

Hi

Lots of individual thoughts there and genuine feelings . Guess that''s why we come on here sharing our feelings and thoughts can.

Here is a thought

How easily life loses in a day what many years of toil and pain amassed ---Petrach

And as AC Grayling aptly says. .

It is a grateful fact that we forget our suffering. We do not forget that we suffered, but we do expunge the felt quality of the experience as it actually occurred . Life would be unbearable otherwise, beset by too-readily rekindled pain as sharp as its first appearance .

Perhaps the agony of Borges''s character Funes the Memorious, the man who could forget nothing, lay as much in his capacity to Ellie the raw quality of suffering as in the burden of his inability to erase millions of trivial memories .


AC Grayling also goes on to say .

"But we do not forget our losses, because loss---especially of those we love ,or of crucial places or things-- reshapes our world , and obliges us to learn again the task of navigating it ........
Absence is a large presence; a gap in the familiar arrayed people who matter to us, or in the usual events which make the pattern of our lives,is a far bigger space than one imagined possible until it appears. For that reason bereavement ,divorce,loss of job,loss of home- -the major losses-- are the most stressful and distressing of all experiences . And they can happen with such cruel suddenness that they make us lose other things besides : faith in the world,confidence in ourselves .............

So , that said are we to now be frugal with our future lives, limit future love and life in order to avoid it''s pain of loss., stifle our appetite and desires in order to escape the price of fulfilment

---

ones life stunted, muffled, bland life only. It is practically tantamount to a partial death in order to minimise the electric character of existence--- its pleasures ,it''s entasis is,mits richness and colour matched by its agonies, it''s wretchedness,mits disasters and grief.


To take life in armfuls, to embrace and accept it , to leap into it with energy and relish, is of course to invite trouble of all familiar kinds (. Oh , and I have done that ) .. But, the cost of avoiding trouble is a terrible one: it is the cost of having trodden the planet for humanity''s brief allotment of less than 1, 000 months ,without really having lived .


You see my Wiki friends , the words of AC Grayling ring true to me as do many post on here .
Divorce is a good thing ..... A wrong is being righted .... No good marriage ended in divorce . Yes we loved , we lost .... In the end do we not lose everything we ever had ?
Do we ever own or possess any thing at all ? We do not possess another person for they are an individual in their own right . ?

If we are to move on then surely we have to acknowledge the loss , grieve the loss , however we must not become Funes the Memorious .


D

Hi

Lots of individual thoughts there and genuine feelings . Gues that''s why we come on here sharing our feelings and thoughts can.

Here is a thought

How easily life loses in a day what many years of toil and pain amassed ---Petrach

And as AC Grayling aptly says. .

It is a grateful fact that we forget our suffering. We do not forget that we suffered, but we do expunge the felt quality of the experience as it actually occurred . Life would be unbearable otherwise, beset by too-readily rekindled pain as sharp as its first appearance .

Perhaps the agony of Borges''s character Funes the Memorious, the man who could forget nothing, lay as much in his capacity to relive the raw quality of suffering as in the burden of his inability to erase millions of trivial memories .


AC Grayling also goes on to say .

"But we do not forget our losses, because loss---especially of those we love ,or of crucial places or things-- reshapes our world , and obliges us to learn again the task of navigating it ........
Absence is a large presence; a gap in the familiar array of people who matter to us, or in the usual events which make the pattern of our lives,is a far bigger space than one imagined possible until it appears. For that reason bereavement ,divorce,loss of job,loss of home- -the major losses-- are the most stressful and distressing of all experiences . And they can happen with such cruel suddenness that they make us lose other things besides : faith in the world,confidence in ourselves .............

So , that said are we to now be frugal with ones emotions limiting love ain order to avoid it''s pains ,stifling appetites and desires in order to escape the price of fulfilment

---

one lives a stunted, muffled, bland life only. It is practically tantamount to a partial death in order to minimise the electric character of existence--- its pleasures ,it''s ecstasies,it''s richness and colour matched by its agonies, it''s wretchedness, it''s disasters and grief.


To take life in armfuls, to embrace and accept it , to leap into it with energy and relish, is of course to invite trouble of all familiar kinds (. Oh , and I have done that ) .. But, the cost of avoiding trouble is a terrible one: it is the cost of having trodden the planet for humanity''s brief allotment of less than 1, 000 months ,without really having lived .


You see my Wiki friends , the words of AC Grayling ring true to me as do many post on here .
Divorce is a good thing ..... A wrong is being righted .... No good marriage ended in divorce . Yes we loved , we lost .... In the end do we not lose everything we ever had ?
Do we ever own or possess any thing at all ? We do not possess another person for they are an individual in their own right . ?

If we are to move on then surely we have to acknowledge the loss , grieve the loss , however we must not become Funes the Memorious .


D

Declan,I appreciate your words,and the words of some literary greats,but as you say it is an individual''s perspective.

I have read many theories on divorce,haddled my own brain until it could take no more,but then I came to the conclusion that the theorists words were also their own perception on divorce.So whilst many great words have been written,again one size does not fit all.

Before I married I had an excellent life,a really good job in quite a specialist area,good social life etc,then I met him and my life became our life...
I was not looking for marriage,but knew that I wanted him in my life,so marriage then my girls.My ex had a troubled childhood so maybe I was his safety blanket,I don''t know...So maybe our divorce was the Universe way of putting a marriage that was wrong ..right...
But when I look at my girls and now my little man,I know that my relationship with him,had to happen,because without that,they would not be here,and without them,I am nothing....

I spent a few hours with my Ex yesterday,and I can see in his eyes the pain and turmoil he is in,I don''t feel the same pain as him because I honoured my vows,I honoured him,I was proud to be his wife,but obviously he was looking for something else,although he has not found it.

Whilst for many divorce may be a good thing,I am honest enough to say,coming home to an empty house is horrendous,sharing General chitchat with the cats is not the same as with him,and whilst my life is to some very good,it is not the life I signed up for...
Who knows what the future holds for any of us,but one thing I do know,nobody will ever have the whole of me again,because he has a part of me,so whilst I will not allow my divorce to prevent me moving forwards,I will never be able to totally give again...

Also,as I said ..if my life was that brilliant,and I was totally over him and living the dream as some of us portray...
Why would I need the comfort of Wiki ?
Surely I would be out living that dream ???

Some things for us to think about...
Cwtchs
Afon x

They say no good marriage comes to an end. Well my marriage was good, I loved my husband, I would have done anything for him, still would. His need to save money became his obsession. I went along with it as it was for "our" comfortable retirement. If he had been honest with me then maybe I would have grown apart from him the way he had me.
As they say,love is blind.
If you have spent years arguing then far enough. We never argued, I believed everything he was doing was for the good of our future lives together.
I had a very abusive childhood, when I found someone that loved me I thought it was forever.
Ever person is different and ever marriage is made up of a different formula, hence there are an unlimited number of reactions and feelings to the end of a marriage.
I wish you all well and thank everyone on here for making mine and many others passage through this turmoil a little easier.

Flower and Afon - I am too tired at the moment for lengthy replies - but for now - thank you, thank you, thank you for expressing how I feel so well - for making me feel not so mad, or such a failure for feeeling that way. In essence thank you for your honesty - and here is mine, I feel the same.

(Oh and the damage done to my family - it is inescaplable, palpable and I think will last my now adultish childrens lifetime. - so sad - and for what - what could have been worth this harm?)