How do you move on?

Marshy_ wrote:

AngieP wrote:

he has now said it is "all my fault" - "my behaviour lead him to do what he did".

Hi Angie. Thats one thing I see a lot. And if we look hard enough, we see this behavior everywhere. Some people cannot accept the blame for what they have done. I would pity him. As he has to wake up with himself every single day and what he did and be in denial for every single day of his life. Until one day, he cant deny it anymore. C.

Very wise words, as always, Marshy.

All The Best
DIAH

Hi Marshy. I felt very shocked that he believed this but it did lead me to seriously question my role and though I would be indignant to admit it initially I can now see the role I played in what had become a very unhealthy relationship. As with many others on this site it was all revealed once children had grown up etc - so busy just getting on with lives, bringing up children, making a living etc would not have stopped to see what was really going on without shock I had. Just plodding away pretty unhappily (though didn''t realise how unhappy we had both become). I can honestly say I wish him no harm - although I feel I have been very hurt and have not deserved much of what has happened I realise that no one is all bad, and for me again that is "moving on". Appreciate your wise words as always

AngieP

I can so relate to what you wrote. Even during our marriage ex would tell me it was my fault he got angry. Now we are apart I think he doesn''t see me as the source of all his problems and he often tells me I''m right about things, where before I''d have to be wrong just so he could be right.

Sorry PJ
Just realised I have "hijacked" your post. Probably main thing is things need time to evolve, we can''t force the situation to ""move on" - it is very frustrating but you will look back in a couple of days, a week, a month from now and you will have greater understanding of what has happened when you look back. With the passage of time you will move on. xx

Hello again PJ. lots of good advice. I would like to add that the passage of time is not enough on its own. I think one needs to understand in order to move on. I don''t mean get all the answers and I don''t think you can or will get them from him. I have done a lot of talking online and in real life, to friends and (honestly) to strangers, and importantly to a psychotherapist. I have read answers here and all kinds of books and generally worked hard to understand as best I can how I got to this sorry pass. Or how I got to the place where I had to learn all this. People talk of their own truth and values and this is right My problem (one of them) has been that I was so busy fixing things, or trying to, and adapting or anticipating, that I lost touch with my own self. The passage of time without this self examination might have dulled the pain but would have left me in bewildered victim mode.

Marshy I am walking through the driving rain as I write this with my thumbs but your phrase about walking into the sunshine never fails to raise my spirits even though it also always makes me cry. Thank you.

Good point well made Eliza - time eases the pain but you are right need to understand things as best we can (probably most importantly ourselves and role played) in order to successfully progress. x

And we also need to accept that there may be things we will never understand.