How do you move on?

Sorry guys but after a bad weekend I need some guidance.

It has been nearly 3 weeks since I was told our 18 year marriage was over (22 years together and have teenage son) this follows two months of him promising everything would be alright and then not making effort to put it right (death by a thousand cuts I believe!!)

I won''t bore you with the detail but essentially I had thought our marriage was sound but probably in a bit of a rut and not getting on as well as we should.

I love my husband with the core of my being but he tells me he doesn''t love me , has no feelings for me and cannot go back. I am and continue to be devastated and do not understand why.

My problem then is I think he is wrong! And I can''t seem to get past this,keep thinking he will see sense. He would not go to counselling - at the time said it would make things worse. He is still living at home and (I think) there are little moments that we share (jokes,looks etc) I still think we can make it work we just need to talk, there remains so much unsaid and unresolved.

He has taken legal advice and when we sat down over the weekend he was very clear about his intentions to divorce. Once again I became very upset and questioning but he got angry, won''t discuss his reasons and is adamant.

I need to get on top of this as my whole world has fallen apart and I need to protect my son''s and my future. My family and friends are getting frustrated with me as I cannot get past this idea that we can still sort it out. It is a case of heart ruling head at the moment.

This is likely to be another sleepless night so any advice would be appreciated.

PJ

PJ

You said it yourself, your heart is ruling your head.

Your husband says its over, he''s taken legal advice, he won''t go to counselling.

He probably decided the relationship was over long before he discussed it with you.

3 weeks is not a long time and it must be very difficult with him living in the house still.

When my ex and I decided to split up I thought we were both on the same page. But he was having an affair and had moved on emotionally long before he moved out.

Even when he had left to live with her I wondered if I should ask him to give it another try, though deep down I knew it was over.

It will take a lot of time to adjust to your new situation and it won''t be easy. I wish I had a magic wand, but I don''t.

All I can say is that you are not the only person who has been in this situation and you will survive.

Personally once my ex had moved out and I realised it was upsetting when he kept coming back so arranged to be out when he did, I found it easier to get over him. I was able to put some distance between us and saw what a selfish **** he was.

you probably move on because you get pushed on by life.
3 weeks is a very short time, and i wouldn''t be surprised if the ugly affair story didn''t make its appearance pretty soon. men usually are not that proactive unless they have a reason for it.

I hope i''m wrong, and all will be fine. If not, ((((()))))))

I think after 20 years married I moved on because the lies were obvious the deceits was very clear to eve one but me.

In a marriage you make your rolls .... He was the decision maker/breadwinner etc

I was not

You need to move forward from the rolls you used to be and be as indepentant as you possibly can .. For me this is a good thing

Unfortunately it''s difficult to move on because the process of separation and divorce can typically take anything from 2 to 5 years and you are just at the beginning. The person who leaves has often been deliberating for months or even years before deciding to end a relationship and are much further on in the process. Rarely is there a reconciliation once someone has announced they want to divorce. It''s a shame your husband won''t go to counselling, but there is no reason why you can''t go on your own.

In my experience counselling can be particularly effective when someone goes when they are in denial. The benefit of counselling rather than relying on friends or family is a good counsellor is impartial and uses different strategies and techniques depending on the recency of separation and the particular circumstances.

Hi yes I am going for counselling and under GP which has been helpful but have yet to develop any strategies for helping me move on..

Whilst I asked if he was having an affair He said no and I have no reason to believe that he is. But he was upset at the question and said that there had been a breakdown in trust. He has changed since turning 50 and has lost weight and taken up exercise (not a feature of our married life before) so maybe a mid life crisis? Questioning mortality ? etc.

The use of a magic wand would be welcomed but as
Marshy has told me before, fairy tales do not exist!!

Maybe it is just time I need and a decent nights sleep!

PJ

My ex started wearing younger clothes and being more concerned about his appearance and hanging out with "his mates". I took it to be a mid-life crisis and tolerated it. Turns out he was having an affair.

Looking back, all the signs were there, texting more often than usual, being vague about where he''d been, wearing aftershave, etc.

I didn''t see the signs for what they were because after 31 years together I thought we were set for life. I also thought he''d be honest enough to tell me if things were wrong. He didn''t. He just changed and blamed it on me.