How do you move on?

Yes Marshy,
You describe the current situation very well.
I am 7 years down the line but in the beginning its just as you describe. Unfortunately in the beginning your head is about to explode and it takes a long time to settle to anything. The feelings you describe were fairly common to a lot of people that I associated with who were going through the same.I think one thing is that you think you are the only person feeling like this. You are not. I remember going to singles clubs and one person made the comment....''''painted smiles on painted faces'''' . Yes it was true. Most there were putting on a face to hide the pain and turmoil going on in their heads.
But they were getting out into the world and finding that things were not quite as bad as they thought.
I remember sitting in corners of a place waiting for someone to talk to me. And they did. And from that point someone did and I began to realise that I did not have 2 heads. It took time but I did create a circle of new ''''friends''''.
I know that I wanted to rush things and get my life back to some degree of normality but it does not happen overnight.
you have to begin to like yourself. Realise that its not all your fault and accept that although you have been thrown on the scrap heap by one person the whole world does not feel the same about you.
That old phrase ''''time is a big healer'''' is only tooooo true. If you had tried telling me that 7 years ago I would not have believed you.
Hopefully PJ will read the advice given and realise that the current feelings are the same as we all felt in the beginning and that she is not alone in all of this.

polar wrote:

I remember going to singles clubs and one person made the comment....''''painted smiles on painted faces'''' .

Hi Polar. I agree with everything you say. Singles clubs.. That brings back a memory of someone shimmying towards me in a sequined dress. Ohhh no lol. Its been all smiles for a long time now. C.

Lol Marshy !!
I did internet dating for a long while. Almost like cannon fodder but it did teach me the type of person I was and the type of person I was looking for if I ever made another relationship.
I can remember one turned up looking like a fat fairy from the Xmas tree minus the wand !! OMG. I was cornered !! Then she took me back to the pub she ran and introduced me to her customers as her ''''catch'''' .
It did teach me however that there are nice people out there all in the same boat struggling to come to terms with being thrown back into the singles scene.
Interestingly enough I do go to one place and over the years the numbers of people I meet who I know is dwindling as their life settles down. So there is light at the end of the tunnel..eventually !!!

Thank you all for your kind words of reassurance. I have had another setback today over my sons education (impact of separation beginning to show) I have dragged myself to work and shouldn''t really be signed in here but so glad I did.

Marshy again you speak wisely and yes I do need to leave him alone (sometimes difficult when under the same roof). I am looking for answers that he is not prepared to give or maybe doesn''t have. I just need to accept that I cannot change this.

PJ

Hi PJ - I am a little further on than you in terms of time when my life imploded but like you still living under same roof. For myself have been looking for answers for some months and with a lot of reading, support and guidance from the wise people on this site have managed to find some. The thing for me is that the answers have not come from OH and indeed his reaction to what has happened probably only caused me more hurt and confusion as initially he said what I wanted to hear, how sorry he was etc, it was all his fault (I now realise my part in it, but not for the things he thinks) but with time this has changed so many times and as with many others he has now said it is "all my fault" - "my behaviour lead him to do what he did". I think hearing these words from him was a real lightbulb moment for me and I realised I was never going to get the answers I wanted from him (I honestly think he doesn''t understand himself) and I feel that I am dealing with a "jellyfish" - his "truth" changes constantly. What I am trying to say, I think is that there is now no point raking over the past - I can only build on my own truth. As painful as this journey is I have realised that I cannot adjust my own moral values and indeed it is those values which I need to build on in order to have more honest and authentic life. So for me, that is how I am moving on though still very early days - have got to a point where not trying to make sense of what he did (realise I will never really know/understand truth) and trying to work on my own truth. You will move on in your own way PJ and as I am you will be so grateful to have found this site. xx

Plainjane49 wrote:

I do need to leave him alone (sometimes difficult when under the same roof). I am looking for answers that he is not prepared to give or maybe doesn''t have. I just need to accept that I cannot change this.

You do. And I suspect your a "fixer" type of person. Like I used to be. But this is one thing you cannot fix.

As for answers. They will come. Holley I think mentioned the A word. And I have to agree with her. That it is a possibility. As the signs are all there. But it matters not one jot. C.

AngieP wrote:

he has now said it is "all my fault" - "my behaviour lead him to do what he did".

Hi Angie. Thats one thing I see a lot. And if we look hard enough, we see this behavior everywhere. Some people cannot accept the blame for what they have done. I would pity him. As he has to wake up with himself every single day and what he did and be in denial for every single day of his life. Until one day, he cant deny it anymore. C.