Help Me - Please

Hi everyone and thanks for taking the time to read this.

I have been on here before and spoken about my fears that my wife and I are heading for a divorce.

I have since found out something that I just need to sound off about as it is literally tearing me apart.

To cut a long story short, I think she is having or is starting an affair.
Why do I think that? I accidentally saw on our pc (when you type in google and it shows you what you have already put in) and I saw "withdrawal method" (we havent had sex for months and then when she was going to meet a friend for the day i also saw that she had looked up travelodges in the town she was going to.
I was lost as to what to do, so (shamefully) i checked her mobile for texts and saw something regarding to it - not very clear as only part of the text chain. I kept on checking and didnt see anyhting and put it down to the fact that one of her friends is having problems with her husband and maybe she was offering her some help (yeah - I know).
Last night i checked again and clearly saw that she is meeting someone tomorrow night (Tues) when she has told me she is going somewhere completely different and that her friends know about it and were talking about whether he is moving near here, she is going to give him some feedabck if this "situation" is going to continue, but she is looking forward to going out to dinner with him etc etc etc.

What do I do? I am falling apart, I love her dearly, I know I havent necessarily been the best of husbands, but we have 2 wonderful children (1 & 4 yo) who I can bear to no tbe with.

Shall I confront her - if i do, i may find out the truth, do i pile on the affection and hope that she breaks it off.......I really dont know what to do.

Myheart is breaking and i feel icant stop it.

hi carl

big hugs to you...

im so sorry, your post got to me -

my hubby (ex) was having an affair (even though he says they didnt consumate it until he left the marital home - yea ok then) he's still with her..

the whole situation is a tricky one...however i would say you owe it to yourself to find out...no one deserves to be cheated on..

if theres something wrong in your marriage you need to decide whether or not its worth saving..

what do you really want to do ? i know its scarey but do you really want to just let her get on with it ?? do you not think your worth more than that ?

for what its worth i would definately confront her..

i did with my ex, i also spent over 2 mths checking his mobile phone for txts from her and to her...so believe me when i say i know what your going through..

the pain is too much to bear, its hertbreaking i know..

if shes having an affair then at least you know, surely its the not knowing thats harder ? she might not tell you the truth though, be prepared for that, my ex didnt tell me for ages...sorry to keep banging on about me but its only from personnal experience...

once you know whats happening then you can either try and work it out and rebuild or walk away from the relationship but until you know you cant do anything.

take care of yourself carl...and dont forget wiki is always here honey...

big hugs
daisy
x

Dont be so sure you are a bad husband. People cheat for lots of reasons and its not usualy anything to do with the innocent party. Most of the time they are bored and something is missing. You aint a clown and you cant make someones life complete for them. So dont berate yourself.

The people that encorage people to cheat are usualy total bastards and love to wreck marriages. They usualy come to greif one day by someone cheating on them. It comes home to roost in other words. But I digress.

I know how you feel. This is an awful place to be that you are in. What to do? I wouldnt pile on the emotional presure and hope that she breaks it off. It wont work.

At one time I wished I had confronted my ex when she was having her affiar (had I known about it that is). It would have given me the upper hand for 3 or so months. And it would have been fun but a pointless exercise. I would have loved to wack his head on the windscreen etc. But now I am not so sure. Problem is she may have ended it and I would still have ended up with a destroyed marriage.

What I think is the best thing is to sit tight and do nothing. I know you love your wife but you must preserve yr self respect. Say you discovered them? What would you do? What will this do to you? Exactly. It will destroy you trust me. Just sit it out mate.

I know its hard. If you are wrong then that will be just as bad by confronting her. If you are right it will drive her underground. Nothing wrong with reading txt's and emails. Just keep checking. What adulterers do is hide and lock the phone and clear down the internet history. So you are unlikely to find anything. I didnt know a thing (my ex had 2 phones). It just hit me one day. Wammo. At least you will have time to prep for it mate. And as any cook will tell you. Its all in the prep. C

Would she really be stupid enough to sleep with someone and use the withdrawal method , then what possibly come back to you with a host of probs not a very smart move .Think your in a bit of a pickle can understand what marshmellow is saying about driving her underground same time you need to protect yourself.

My ex had an affair and when he left swore nobody else involved. I found out 2 weeks later.
I resented the fact I never had the chance to see it we could resolve the problems he felt we had.
I now realise he was setting me up to fail. He was difficult I reacted and he just wanted confirmation that he was better off with her.
So I'm with Daisy I would ask. She will probably deny it but either way you get a chance to sort the issue. If she's unhappy she may tell you why. But don't take all the guilt on board she has a voice she can say whats wrong. She doesn't have to look elsewhere.
Like Marsh said my stbx also had 2 phones, kept one charging by the side of his bed. Stupid me I never asked why!!!!!!!!!
Good luck to you whatever you choose to do.

Megan

Agree with Marshmellow, The issue with asking her is she will say no, as all cheaters are liers and will tell you what you want to hear.
The only way to find out the truth is by carrying on what you are doing, I confronted my ex and was told nothing was going on, I then looked at her text's and email's and even found receipts in her handbag and soon found out the truth. Then you confront her with your proof and you take it from there.

It's hard, very very hard and somethings you may find, will hurt like hell.

I wish you luck and take care of yourself

Phoenix1

The same situation, his affair lasted for a year and a half. Both teenage sons said they suspected something ages ago. Thinking about it now, it makes sense. At the end he left, admitting there is somebody else in his life. I felt like a fool.

However, they split up and he manipulated me to allow him to come back. I can't believe I agreed to that. He restarted his affair soon after that, lying, pretending etc. I was feeling more and more anxious, as I was suspecting something is happening. I had to confront him and I am sorry I did not do it much earlier. I would have felt much better, as I felt he took advantage of his own family. It hurts so much, the total betrayal, but at least I know where I stand now. I would definitely confronted her. If there is no trust there is no point to carry on.