Help Me - Please

Hi

I now know that my wife did cheat on me.
I also know that it is over with the guy.

i cant think straight, i dont know what to do.
if i tackle her about it, then its over, but if i say that i understand things werent great before, but if we can get it right now, then not ever mention it and go forward.
I cant work out if i am being a mug or whether i can get thru this and keep it to myself.
right now i dont want to lose her and nt be there for my wonderful kids. i am in so much pain. i am at work, trying to get on with things, but i cant.

i know that you cant give me the answer to waht i need to do, but thank you for listening.

Hi Carl

I’m sorry that you’re in a terrible place right now.

It sounds as though you want to save your marriage, which is understandable and commendable. If so, I would advise you to suggest Relate to your wife. People do have affairs and repair their marriages but it takes a great deal of effort and a whole lot of honesty. You sound as though you’re willing to make that effort, but I’m not convinced about the honesty part. Not discussing this affair and the reasons behind it is setting you both up to fail – problems don’t just melt away with a reaffirmation to ‘try again’, I’ve learned this the hard way.

Talk to people. Use your friends and family. You’ll be surprised how much you are loved. Good luck.

Carl
You are at the worst stage emotionally, your head is in a spin, your world upside down, and the future is uncertain. Your in hell, I know because I was there once. You have two choices you try to save your marriage and the best way to do this is by going to relate with her. This is a problem in it's self as she may not want to go, if this is the case then I would say it's pretty much over as it takes two to repair a marriage. Then the other question's doe's a leopard change it's spot's? Can you really forget about it? What about in six months time when she go's out with '' girl friends'' you will always wonder where she is and question her.

This is probably not the reply you where hoping for but I have been where you are so am taking from experience. Every relationship is different though and I hope you can save it but just so you know if it is over there is live after divorce and I am happier now than I have ever been.

Take care and look after yourself

Phoenix

God help you (not sure there is one but better not go there)
I know exactly what u r going through also. i got to the point of checking texts and calls, i even found out she had people in her phone book under false names e,g, james became jane etc. Problem is once you tell them you've checked their phone etc they really do go off on one and will accuse you of not trusting them and how dare you do that!

You will worry yourself to death over this and from my experience where there is smoke there is fire. I dismissed some my wife's antics and thought she would never cheat on me, but i wish i had followed my instincts because they were right and i would be in a much happier place by now (i hope).

Ask yourself, has she changed herself in anyway recently, done things differently any little signs you may have missed.

You could sit her down and express your fears that you think something is going on, ask her if she minds you looking at her phone there and then. As Marsh quite rightly says, if she is cheating she will be a convincing liar to your face, believe me and make you out to be the bad guy, which in turn makes you feel incredibly guilty
Finally, i would not like to give you any advice that will lead to more problems for you, you have enough now, so please read this as what i would do and not what you should do
My heart goes out to you as i have been through this very recently
Good luck
Conners

How can I risk not being there with my kids - to see them grow up, that hurts too much to bear.

Carl, perhaps you need to talk this through with Relate yourself, because you are running ahead in your mind and assuming you will have to leave and so on.. you are still their dad after all. It doesn't sound like you are in the best state emotionally right now to make these decisions.. my suggestion would be to not do anything hasty and to take your time and work out what you want to do, if possible with some good counselling as soon as possible.
Best wishes,
M

Hi Carl
I think what you want is for everything to be as it was befor all this happend. Sadly whatever you choose it isn't going to be.

You have a choice of ignoring it and wondering will there be a next time?

Confronting her and still getting denial lies, or the risk of an instant break up.

Finaly suggesting you know things aren't right and discussing relate but that takes both of you.

Sorry I can't advise you, but wish you all the luck in the world with whatever you choose.
Megan X