Aggression = shame, embarrassment or pay back ?

Hi there
I would be interested in your experiences and would appreciate some input from "leavers" to understand why my sx2b is behaving this way.
In short: He left me from one day to another after 24 years, moved abroad to his lover, hardly sees his kids.
Long Story:
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...-just-to-say-Hi.html

In the beginning he was like a lamb, everything was promised, since November I am living in a hell of verbal abuse (via email), stupid actions, childish behaviour ( even towards the kids). He is on the 4th lawyer has not contact with any old friends, non whatsoever.
I have done nothing. Not emptied the accounts not refused contact but actually now applied yesterday for contact order for he hardly sees his kids and I want it down in writing for the future that I did not stop him. (He is lying to the kids about this). I even never abused him with nasty words, not once ...okay..I called her some names my gran would make me eat soap

My point is.. I am the perfect Ex wife. No ghastly scene ( was far too shocked for it), no youtube stunts like Trisha Walsh, no gold digger attitude, no mother from hell.... speaking about the devil..I even console his mum for he has hardly contact with her and she calls here and cries.
Why the urge to hurt me? To give me horrible names, to behave stupid...
Basically he behaves as if I had run off with another man.
No, I don’t think he wants to come back and anyway I would not want him, the hurt is too much.
He should be happy with OW and her lovely kids (unless her husband is not so pleased about it).
Any idea what’s going on in his brain?
Any idea what I can do to make it more bearable?
Thanks

Love your name!

It is projected guilt - my husband treated me the same way when I first discovered his affair - he was denying it for ages but blamed me for making up lies and generally being very unpleasant towards me. He has since confessed to the affair and is saying he wants to make a go of things if he can forgive himself. That is why he is treating you this way - it is to justify the nasty way he is behaving and to hate you is easier than to think about the pain he is or has caused.

Stay strong - you sound like you have real dignity.


Linda

x

it is to justify the nasty way he is behaving

Okay, in the beginning he was not nasty..just left ( which is bad enough. But now it seems to me he wants to "destroy" me totally. Not only as his wifem but as a women and a mother as well. So now he is nasty. How can you justify not nasty ways by being nasty?

It is projected guilt

I searched and came across various sides like this one:

www.dreamwater.com/watersedge/Stout/project.htm

It still does not make sense. If he projects guilt why does he feel I should be feeling guilty?
Or does he project agression? Meaning he expects me to scream at him to be mean but because I am not that frustrates him?

So I can ease the situation by making his live hell??????
No way..there must be another way.
PLEASE tell me about your experiences, its really nasty, from telefon terror at dinner time to now using the full force of the juridical system albeit it is not necessary at all just costs more..

Transferrence of guilt Stilllife - they portray you as the bad one, the one to blame for what went wrong etc, so that they can justify to themselves that they are in the right for breaking up the family.

I remember mine standing in the lounge weighing up all the pros and cons re staying with me against his new life. All his problems were my fault of course

From the moment I told my stbx that I had had enough (he had affair after 10 years marriage two girls) he decided to come back after six months. We had an attempt at making a go of it and I could not live with the continued lies and contact with OW.

As soon as I said I had had enough he refused to move out of FMH, was smug and spiteful saying 'you'll realise what a mistake you have made' or 'you can change your mind at anytime' in between aggression, temper tantrums and vile verbal abuse.

It took four months to sell the fmh, in which time he was regularly going out, telling me how many women wanted him and that it was my decision so I could do it all (selling home etc)

The day we had to move out he had done nothing, and then the real abuse started. It has not stopped to this day - he plays control games with the girls and has convinced himself that it was me that had planned this all along and lists the reams of my faults and flaws. He is apopleptic (sp) that I have met someone and started to move on and now says that if it wasnt for this person we would be together, its a shame that mmy family was too boring for me, that I wanted this all along etc etc.

Tells everyone and anyone that will listen that I left him for another bloke, lies about contact and regularly stops monies etc.

Everyone tells me its projected guilt. He totally has brainwashed himself into believing that its me who has split the family up single handedly and there isnt a name under the sun that he hasnt called me or thing that he has not threatened to do.

He then says that if I can behave myself we can be friends but also scares the kids with threats if they want to meet my new partner and generally is a nightmare in every sense.

Its draining and hurtful and somedays it really gets you down.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
I really mean it. So I am not alone?
I feel sometimes like " Aliens from outer pace" movies from the sixties where aliens take over the body of someone and that person become completly the opposite. Must be. Because if he would be really like this he would not feel guilty...
mrsnomore..what are you trying to ease the situation..?

rosie.. so he dragged out the scale and weighted you up with his finger on it..