Naming and Shaming

My husband is having a blatant affair and I havent yet but am thinking of starting the divorce proceedings, however, I am unsure as to whether to name the other party. I know the name and I also have evidence of the affair- holiday booking form, her name being put on OUR car insurance things like that, but have been advised not to name as it can get messy and expensive- What are the benefits (if any) of naming or not naming, I dont want to go down the bitter and twisted root- she doesnt need to be named, we all know who it is, but should I?

Thanks for any advice

Lucy

i wanna name and shame. i've earned the grief she's put me thru and i have every right to name and shame - unless of course financial settlements are conducted according to my wishes !

so it might be a feature/a card that you keep up your sleeve to play later if it does'nt go your way !

Of course he should agree in writing to pick up your legal costs as starters as he has strayed !!!!

take care, plan the divorce if you decide to go that way but observe the whole programme not just the bit that's upset you

good luck whatever you decide

Hi Lucy
Legally I dont think it makes a blind bit of difference.
It is whether you want to spend the money or not.

Technically, I think it is quite wrong that adultery is not taken as seriously by the legal proffesion as it should be.
It is because you have to prove intercourse has taken place between the two parties. Unless you have pictures,or webcam evidence, the proof is going to be just on bits of paper that you have.

The 'no fault' clause has to be the 'fly in the ointment' for many of us that have been cheated on. I just think it should be classed more as a permission to cheat clause.
If your identity and cause for breakdown of a marriage were brought to the court, out in the open, it might just deter a few, probably not many though!!, as they never think they are going to get caught.


So I would probably say to you, save your money, it will be a fight to get agreement on this. There are plenty of other ways that their names can be made known.

zara

Everyone will tell you not to but to be honest Im not sure why. I guess it's because it could drag the divorce out longer and end up costing you more.

I was tempted to name the other party but just wanted it over as quick as possible so I could start to rebuild my life.

Take care

Phoenix1

Thanks for this- I'll bear it in mind, whatever happens it wont make me feel better and he seems to think its all fine as I know about the affair- Bit of twisted logic there, I suppose he sees it as 'Accepted behaviour' Personally I dont think he believes I'll divorce him, he's said he doesnt want to- well we can see why cant we, he has been really stupid!! So he thinks he can do what he wants and maybe in a couple of years we can do a no fault divorce but my opinion os there IS someone at fault and they should be held responsible for what they've done.
Is that bitter and twisted?? I dont want to come across that way!

Lucy

Hi Lucy
I dont think it is bitter and twisted at all.
It would take a very extraordinary person not to feel agrieved at their partner/husband/wife cheating on them.
That was most DEFINITEKLY not an option in the marriage vows, so why do they think that it is acceptable.

You make a promise, you keep it, they dont, so it is a natural emotion to feel anry and hurt. It is alright for them to take the moral highground, wonder if they would if the 'boot was on the other foot'!!!!?

I have posted a couple of times, perhaps the marriage vows should be changed then??? To accommodate all those that cannot keep their pants/knickers on!!!

I do often wonder what is happening to our legal/justice system.
zara

Hi Lucy
At first I wanted to name and shame so to speak mainly through anger and wanting to get back at them in some way. However, the advice I received suggested that ultimately it makes no difference to the other person involved but can make life more complicated and therefore possibly more expensive with regard to the divorce etc
Looking back now Im glad I took that advice, not only because my divorce is going quite smoothly but also from a personal point of view im glad she has no involvement in it. I think if I had named her it would have added more pain for me and for what ? I dont want to acknowledge her in any way but move on with dignity - which I have done. What goes around comes around - I have moved on and their relationship is faltering.
Whatever you decide Lucy try to do what is best for you x take care x cat x