Why do I feel like this?

Two weeks ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I couldn't stand the rows any longer. If I'm honest the marriage has been over for years but it was still a hard and painful decision for me to take.

Since than he has been coolly polite but has shown no emotion whatsoever. I didn't want him to beg me to stay or get upset but to just act as if the end of our marriage means nothing to him really hurts.

He's off out every night obviously having a great time, while I am sitting at home feeling terrible.

I know I'm being stupid to have these emotions, it's just got to me that he can shrug off a 12 year marriage as if it is a dirty shirt.

Hi Fleur,
There is nothing here to say he is just shrugging off a 12 year marriage.

Maybe he go's out every night because he can't stay at home as it hurts being in the same house. Maybe he go's out just to bury his head in the sand, Maybe he is shocked that you asked him for a divorce.

You also said that the marriage was over years ago so maybe he came to terms with it years ago?

You can't second guess what the other person is feeling.

Have you tried to save the relationship? Have you thought about going to relate?

I dont know the full story but maybe just maybe, if you both work together you can save what you once had?

Take Care
Phoenix1

hi fleur....im sorry you feel so terrible....my marriage(14 yrs) had also been over for years before i took the plunge and started divorce proceedings..he moved straight away in with her ..denies it obviously...has a brilliant single life...plenty of money ..freedom...and i couldnt be happier.... a great weight has been lifted....you are an attractive woman (from pic) so you get out there... put on a smile start living again..a new life.... one with out him..you can do it fleur...any man who can just put aside everything you had so coldly does not merit any more tears...go girl

Hi Fleur

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment. I've read quite a few of your posts to other people and you always give really good advice. You sound like a really lovely lady; kind and caring.

What would your advice be to a friend in the same position? I bet it would be something like, yes it's really hard to admit to the end of a long term relationship, but pick yourself up, get out there and have a ball. We don't live forever so every day is precious.

I really don't think your husband is as cold as he seems, most men find it very hard to show emotions. He's hurt and as someone else said he is most probably sticking his head in the sand and is in denial. You'll both get through this, you have to. What's the alternative, to stay in an unhappy marriage!

Get out there girl, you deserve to be happy, the sooner you start the better. Noone says it'll be easy but you can do it.

Good luck and take care

Mad x

Thanks for all your replies, wise and caring as always. I guess it was just a bad morning.

As regards us having counseling, he would never consider it (also not available here, we live in Spain). He maintains that there is nothing wrong with him and he wouldn't change.He said that the marriage should heal itself naturally. That's partly why I had to make the decision to leave.

You are so right, I knew him slightly when his 2nd marriage broke up (this is his 3rd) and he handled that in the same way, just sitting at the bar in the golf club alone drink in hand.

I am getting out and about, had a long lunch with a friend yesterday,meeting up with people most days. But the days are long to fill and I probably have too much time to think about things.

Have also had a lot of negative comments from friends and family about my stbx. He was remote,cold, uncomfortable to be with etc. Also, that they think he never truly loved me, just saw a perfect opportunity. (I was widowed, money in the bank, own home, no children etc).

That's been hard to hear but believable, at the beginning of our relationship he had nothing, despite living in a large house and earning £50,000 PA. I paid off his debts of £16,000 and £10,000 to pay off his ex-wife. Not to mention losing £120,000 in the family company that his brother owned which I invested in on his advice!!!

Think I have just been a mug.

Thanks again for all your support.

XXX FleurXXX

Dont think your alone, I re mortgaged the house to pay of ex's debt of nearly 30k only to discover that she was having the affair at the time.

So up'ed mortgage by 30k and she now gets 50% of the house. Good work by her realy !!

Live and learn I suppose !

FLEUR wrote:

just saw a perfect opportunity. (I was widowed, money in the bank, own home, no children etc).

I understand that bit. (I have a non-resident son) but own home, good business acumen etc....
...and I feel I was used to build his busienss; increase property profits etc. And my normal sense of sanity was clouded by believing he loved me!

When I look back on how hard I used to work all day; (with him) I'd remember I did this for no financial reward; but everytime he brushed passed me; he'd peck me on the cheek and squeeze my bum; telling me how lovely I was!
...and that made me swoon and put in another 18 hour shift!

So, yeah. I too feel like a mug for falling for that.