feeling weak

Hi, I need a bit of support or a talking to. For several days now I can''t stop thinking of my husband. I miss him and want to contact him. If I have picked my phone up once to call him I have picked it up a million times. I feel like this whole situation is hopeless.

I wish that him not being here was not happening. I read someones post the other day (sorry can''t remember who) but he talked about the head, the gut and the heart. for some reason my heart is over ruling at the moment and its making me think all kinds of crazy sh.. I am actually thinking that he feels the same as me and misses me but because he left he can''t bring himself to get in touch. I am trying to move on, I have done the 60 day thing and not seen him, I have changed things in the house, I have changed my job and I have just bought a car. Despite him saying what he was going to do when he left, he has done nothing. His mail still arrives here, some of his stuff is still here. He has just renewed his car insurance and kept me on it. His name is still on all the bills.

If he wanted to get in touch he would, if he missed me he would tell me. If he wanted to come home he would wouldn''t he. Is his head telling him something different to his heart. Can someone please put this in some sort of perspective for me. I''m driving myself nuts here.

Littlegreen

((LG))

You will drive yourself insane wondering what he is thinking etc etc.

It sounds like you won''t be able to rest or move on until you have had some contact with him.

It may be better to write him a letter istead of phoning as phone conversations can get too emotional.Then see what happens,give him some time to respond and if you don''t hear, then as hard as it is try and move forwards with your life.
For every day you think and feel like this you are still living in the past.

One thing I would say though if you decide to do this is, would you be able to deal with another negative answer?

You are the most important one here at the moment, so look after you.

Oh Littlegreen, I''m so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed by these thoughts at the moment. The mixed messages that our husband''s send us, especially in the early days of leaving us, are so very confusing. Having our lives turned upside down, wanting that person we love so much back by our sides, wondering what we could do to heal our marriage, it is so very very hard. Until the Decree Absolute is stamped we keep hoping that he will come to his senses, see that walking away from someone who holds him so dear, is a massive mistake, and he will turn and run back, full of apologies, and we will gratefully close with him in a tearful embrace full of forgiveness and promises for a better future together.

But sorry to say nine times out of ten it doesn''t happen. His mixed messages are him keeping his options open, because it is a massive upheaval for him too, even though it was his choice to walk out on his marriage. And that is one of the most cruel parts of the whole process, because hope is kept alive by all these things.

And if he does come back, and you take him back. Well first off trust has completely been wiped out, and will take a long time to be regained, if ever. And the memory of your pain will never be forgotten. I know of 2 women who took their husbands back. Both are warm, vibrant intelligent attractive woman, one has become rather over dependent on alcohol, and the husband of the other one, recently hit on me when his wife was away for a few days, so he is still lying to her - horrible.

You may be the wonderful exception, I certainly hoped I was for over 2 years. Mine still sends out the odd mixed message and lies always about the ow, and we are well and truly divorced.

You have done one of the best things for yourself by writing it out, and I noticed that at the end of what you wrote, you made the point that if he wanted to come back, he would have said something definite. I wish I hadn''t spent so long hoping, but I don''t think I could have done otherwise, so accept your feelings, it says you have a warm loving heart, and if he was so foolish to throw such love away, one day he might just regret it bitterly, and you will be free.

With warmest good wishes.

I''m dipping in and out of a book by Andrew G Marshall called heal and move on (7 steps). There are some useful strategies outlined within which may help.... It may have been me that mentioned the head, gut and heart thing the other day but there is a fourth and that is what does the groin say too but I elected to omit that not wanting to appear crude.... Anyway, keep strong and look after yourself were all in this together..!!!

Hi, Thank you for your words of wisdom. I like the idea of writing him a letter. you get the chance to say what you need to say uninterupted and he could re read it if he wanted to. In fact I could re read before I sent it and maybe I would come to my senses and not send it.

I don''t speak about my husband leaving much to people but I find that the advice given to me from those it as happened to, is that they are glad that it happened to them and once I get over it I won''t look back and I to will be glad. Well I don''t know about any of that all I know is that there is an emptyness all around me which is a void that I worry will always be with me.

Sometimes when I think that I will never be held again or kissed or stir a groin (not wanting to appear crude) I then start to think can a bit or redecorating or the purchasing of goods or promotion replace any of the above and sadly for me right now i would say no.

I just miss him and right now no amount of anything is enough to take the ache away.
I will however, try the book that you mentioned. I like to read. Apologies for being gloomy and sad. I do appreciate that I can come onto wiki and find some comfort and a genuine feeling of care from people who have been right here where I am now. Thank you, getting upset now, going to cuddle up on the sofa with my dogs and watch a bit of mind numbing tv

Warmest wishes


Littlegreen xXx



Littlegreen

I think you''ve answered your own questions in a way. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. I know it''s harsh and I am sorry it comes across as blunt perhaps.

I wrote many letters to my ex as I was working through my feelings of grief, loss and betrayal. I chose not to send them. I didn''t think my heart could stand giving him another opportunity to reject me by ignoring or being dismissive towards a letter particularly as he seemed to take any expression of my feelings as a direct attack on him which prompted higly defensive reactions from him. My ex felt the best line of defence was to attack me emotionally for having those feelings which made the honest conversations impossible and counterproductive to my own healing.

I found the writing process cathartic just getting my feelings out. I still have some of those letters somewhere. I kept them just so I could see how far I''d come over time. Now these days, I don''t look at them but I have kept them somewhere safe. They were important at the time.

My ex made his decision but that didn''t mean he took responsibility for it. I too had to sort out all the mess he left behind by handling all of the divorce matters and forwarding all of his mail for months on end. Looking back, I think I saw some mixed messages in that at the time, because in the early stages of grief, I wanted to believe there was a way forward for us. I think with the benefit of time and perspective, I saw things differently.

He didn''t want to deal with the consequences of his actions really and left me to sort things for him. Just as I always had done. If he had cared for me, his behaviour would have been different. For example, if he wanted to end our marriage, if he cared about my feelings it would have been important to him to give us both the best opportunity to move forward by discussing the end of our marriage before delivering the fair accompli and perhaps negotiating the end of our relationship together so we both had the opportunity to decide what worked in both of our interests to move into separate lives.

Instead of doing this, he ran away, thinking only of himself leaving me to pick up the pieces. In light of this, I wasn''t going to enable further acts of unkindness towards me or make his actions seem ok by trying to repair the emotional damage that his selfish act of moral cowardice caused. That was his stuff and he has to live with it. It wasn''t down to me to fix it, I didn''t cause him to behave in this way and I did nothing to deserve it.

It''s very normal for the feelings of loss and grief to be overwhelming at times. I experienced intense levels of grieving for quite a while. I would really think about counselling if these feelings are becoming overwhelming and perhaps it might be helpful to work through the reasons you want to make contact to try and fix this or maybe even reconcile with someone who has treated you so badly.

I know this is very difficult and it can be completely overwhelming at times. I think processing the feelings through writing, blogging, posting etc is absolutely the right thing to do, it really helped me at the time. The key question really is whether you need to involve him in that process. Given his actions tell you where you stand really. Although accepting that situation takes a lot of time and support.

Finally it is perfectly possible to miss someone yet know they are no good for you. Grieving can and does come to an end for many who have trodden this path of separation and divorce and there are things you can do to make that outcome more likely. Reading was a lifesaver for me, I read loads. If you like a good read have a look at a book called the road less travelled by Scott Peck.

I am a better person for the personal growth I have experienced as a result of separation and divorce. I think my marriage ending was absolutely the right thing and I am better and stronger for it. That doesn''t make the way my ex behaved ok. He has to live with that. I''ve moved forward positively and rebuilt a better life despite that. It is possible, trust me, however it took me an awfully long time to get there and the feelings of loss were intense and overwhelming for far longer than I wanted them to be. Just hang in there and have faith that this too shall pass.

Hi Littlegreen

Nothing to add to the great advice you have received, other than my best wishes. It is tough and I also can relate big time.

I wish someone would make a book of wikiwisdom. So often I would like to go back and reread something that really helped and can''t find it.

Nige