Don''t know what to do with myself!

I was similar to you but have found by actually being single for a period of time I learnt to be more secure itself and am now in a relation because I want to be rather than need to be.

Hi Maddie


No one can make you insecure. But you can feel insecure in certain circumstances. Where we dont know what will happen and where we have no knowledge of what what we are doing. But the insecurity that you have felt within your marriage is yours. And yours to own. And its something you should deal with going forwards. Perhaps some self help books. Or a bit of talking therapy may help. As you dont want to carry this forwards if you can help it.

It could be that you want him to change his mind out of habit. You are used to being in a relationship with him and you liked it when he told you he loved you and that dampened down your feelings of insecurity. So in fact, you may not need him to tell you how he feels about you. You just perhaps need to feel less insecure. Could be.

You have been thru a lot. I just re-read your story. Being led by the nose into moving. Giving up the job you loved and how its come full circle. But what may help you is work out what you ought to do rather then what you want to do. You need his reassurance. Perhaps its time that you were able to reassure yourself that you will be OK. And you will. You have a good job. Your only in your forties. And you have a lot of life experience. And that all helps you. So really, you dont need him. But as I said, it could be that he makes you feel less insecure and thats what''s binding you to him.

Lastly, relationship''s are complicated entities. They encompass not just financial bindings but emotional ones also. And often there is an element of maturing together. And those bonds can be hard to sever. But you must. You surely must know that. And you have to learn to say goodbuy. As hard as it will be, you ought to. Otherwise, you will be tethered to this man for all your life. And thats a real shame. So have a good old drains up with your life and work towards sorting out these feelings of insecurity that you have and then you can have a happy future. C.

I think you are recognising a lot about your situation already which is good considering is is still new and raw. Fear of unknown or being alone can keep us tied to people and relationships that are no good for us. You can be tied to someone doing the right thing by them for all the wrong reasons. I was that person once too.

You also know given this mans track record that he might well come back again and all would be well for a few weeks or months until he told you again that he wanted to split up. So at best he can offer temporary respite but even that is fraught with problems as you have found because you don''t know where you stand with him. If someone won''t talk about their feelings and is undemonstrative it is very common to feel insecure, on edge, not good enough. Look up passive agressive behaviour. I lived with a passive agressive husband for years, something about your post resonated, it might not be relevant but just in case.

So, you know you are better than all of this. You might be in that rented room you might be feeling lost low and lonely. But it''s better than being used as a toy that can be dropped and picked up again on someone else''s whim. You have a chance to rebuild from here on your own terms. You are resourceful and strong and all that energy you used to spend worrying and fretting about him now can be put to good use. On rebuilding a life for you from here.

I had no job when ex left me. Redundant from the job I loved and lost my husband within 6 weeks of each other. I was beside myself. Fast forward to just over two years, life is very different. I live in my own home, I have had a great job much better than the one I was made redundant from some time ago. Just found out I''ve been promoted too, so I''ve gone from being on the bones of my ass to building a much better happier life. It can and does happen.

But for now your mantra could be one day at a time. Try really hard not to look too far ahead. I had loads of fears, worries and sometimes downright panic at first. But I can say none of my worst fears came to fruition. I didn''t let the bad stuff happen to me. So one step, one minute, one hour and then one day at a time if you get what I mean. A day can feel very long at first.

I have a post for people recently separated its called for the new ones. It''s at the top of the posts on the front page by sair35.

As for no contact. If you are struggling, there is a good book you can get off amazon. The book is It''s called a break up because its broken. This book is written in a style for someone in their twenties (think the authors assume that this is the only age this happens which is a shame) but don''t let that detract from the book itself. But this book inspired me to do 60 days no contact. I did the 60 days and I never felt the compulsion to ring
him or contact him again.

Stay strong. You won''t believe me yet but you are going to be just fine. You have great insight for someone so new to this and that will serve you well as you continue your journey. Just make sure you continue to reach out and get the support you need and deserve.

Glad it was of help. I too found great comfort in finding out over time that the end of my marriage wasn''t all my fault. He projected blame on to me for everything. It really did me a lot of harm being exposed to that for as long as i was. What i had to figure out was what kept me with someone like that for so long.

Over time I was able to sort out what was his stuff and what was mine in terms of learning and growing from this experience called separation and divorce. I am sure you will have many lightbulb moments and revelations.