Problems with Son & new partner

Thank you for your reply HRH

Just to clarify that Money isn''t an issue. I have never been eligible for tax credits and my stbx refused initially to pay maintenance.

I suppose Adultery is a horrible but so is living in the conditions that I had to.

Than you again for your reply.

Maddison, I really feel for your son. It sounds as if he wasn''t the easiest teenager anyway, and at a critical time, he may feel as if he has lost both of his parents. His dad, although you imply he was not that involved anyway, was at least a constant presence in his life, and now is not. His mum has not physically abandoned him, but it does sound as if she has possibly emotionally abandoned him in transferring her affections so suddenly to someone else. He has also lost 2 siblings from his day-to-day life.

It is not at all surprising he is unimpressed with your new man, who he will see as responsible for the break-up of his family. Blending families is difficult at the best of times, but (as you have found), pretty much impossible when there is so much resentment. In your son''s eyes, the betrayal and resentment will be compounded by the fact you are so praiseworthy of the intruder.

Where to go from here? Sounds to me as if your son might benefit from developing one-on-one relationships with both parents, with reassurance that he is still loved and important to both of you. New partners on both sides need to put themselves firmly in the background in order for this to happen.

You could also encourage him to spend more time with his dad? He may then choose to go and live there of his own accord. I imagine maintaining a good relationship with his brother is also important - you never know, they might decide to move out together!


For anyone else reading this... This is exactly why affairs are so damaging to children, no matter what age. If anyone else is thinking of leaving for their affair partner, I would suggest:
1) Leave kids with the stable influence of the faithful partner in the family home if at all possible.
2) Build an independent relationship with the kids as a separated parent
3) Give the kids plenty of time to adjust to the parental separation before introducing new partners on either side. Two years is recommended by child psychology and separation experts.

Good luck, OP.

I agree with Sadie totally.

If you throw your son out (if you raise it and ask him to live at Dads then he will see it this way) then I fear you might lose him for good. Sacrificing your relationship with your child for a 16 month relationship needs to be seriously thought about. Because I think you are in this territory.

Living apart from your bloke for a period seems to me to be an optimum solution. Your bloke works away anyway so it gives you time to restore your relationship with your son. He needs you to make him the priority in your life until he is settled and come to terms with things. If he never comes to terms with it at least you''ve given it your best shot.

It worries me that you think your son has the power to drive your bloke away. It is toxic for anyone to think on any level they need to choose between their children and a new partner.

HRH,

I usually find your input direct, very much biased to your own personal experiences rather than considered, but for all that somewhat amusing.

This time I found it quite offensive, partcularly as you obviously didnt know the circumstances and you just flew off on one.

We all express our opinions on here but there are ways and means .......

Shoegirl wrote:
[quote
It worries me that you think your son has the power to drive your bloke away. It is toxic for anyone to think on any level they need to choose between their children and a new partner.[/quote]

I think this is a very justified concern. If there is constantly tension in the house than he could very well leave. Its not his kid, so he cant really say anything and having to put up with constant crp is not ideal.

He is 18 and while you may not want to kick him out, you can have it out with him and ask what his issue is. He may not like your new man but he should be respectful for him.

I lived alone for 1 year after I left my ex to ensure I did have a relationship with my kids. Guess what? It didnt happen as my ex blocked contact. You are going to mess up no matter what you choose as you were the one who left. You will always be judged for that, so you may as well be happy.

Keep us posted

Hi Maddison
maddison1969 wrote:

He''s never ever going to like my new man... that I can accept, but my main worry is.. do I fight to keep him knowing full well that my on will drive my man away eventually.. which is what I''m sort of thinking that my son wants.

There is no way of knowing what is going on in your sons head. Or what he will do next. That is the same for all of us. We are not machines. And we cant and often dont follow any set path. We all just do what we feel is right.

There are many possibilities. And many outcomes. But dont condemn yourself to any one outcome. Just deal with what you have.

Your son may want you all to himself. Knowing that you are at home, cooking his tea and thinking of him all day. Washing his clothes etc. But this is not the real world. You cant be his skivy. And if he thinks that is what you should be, he will be in for a shock. One perhaps he needs to feel to make him grow up a bit.

There will only be a matter of 7 miles between the two homes so distance will not be a problem and I''m hoping that as he grows older, he''ll come to realise that I''ve only ever done what I thought best.

You cant force anyone or wish your behaviour on anyone. They will think right or wrong what they want. You just have to do what you think is right and hope that it does come right. Thats all you can do. You cant alter anyone perception of what you have done.

My problem now remains... what is ex won''t have him... That will be a whole new can opened!

It will be a problem you will have to face when you get there.

I am sure at the back of your mind you will be thinking how your son is affecting your relationship. Anyone would consider this. But your man has to be strong. He may find this situation in any pre existing family he wishes to join. And he has to make allowances for all that go''s on in that space. And as I said, he needs to be tough to take all this stick. But if he cant take it. Or wont put up with it, then he is not worthy full stop. Nothing you can do about that.

I can see your between a rock and a hard place. With your son on one side and your man on the other. With you in the middle. What may be a better way is to get out of the middle and let them sort out their relationship. Both of them need you. And eventually if they want to stay with you then they need to compromise. You dont have to be match maker for them. That may ease the burden on you. But it is slightly risky in that you may lose them both. But at the end of the day, he is your son. And you have to do whats right by him. Perhaps even show him some tough love by showing him the door if he cant live with you and your man. C.

Thanks once again for your replies.

To those who think I want an easy life... Not true.. I love all my children and have fought so hard for them in the past, in an ideal world we in this house would all get on like a house on fire... I would love that.

Yes I have thought about moving out with my son.. (he''ll definitely have to get a job then)but I know that it wouldn''t be a continuation of my relationship.. I think it would be the end.

I agree with those that have said that my man should man up.. Me and son, we were a package.. no one said it would be easy..As I personally see my son as a young man and not a child.. son should take some responsibility for his actions. He should accept that he can''t please himself all the time, refusing to even help with the minimum household chores, obtaining bus passes and using them to ride the buses instead of going to college. He is sat at this moment in his bedroom with his friend, endless cups of tea.. it will be food soon and he will not clear up after him.. he''ll just leave it, despite my repeatedly asking him.. and possibly even shouting at him.

Yes I know... typical teenager, he loves me and I love him dearly.. I want them to get on, I don''t want to choose. I feel sick at the thought of him leaving, I will worry about him every second.

I''m not very brave, never have been.. hence why I stayed in the horrible marriage for so many years...

Thanks again... best go now before I start ranting