Problems with Son & new partner

I left my soon to be ex 16 months ago to be with my new man.

A little background...

I was married for 20 years, together for 23. We have 3 children together and I am the one who has brought them up, xmas concerts, sports days, doctors,dentists, Husband never cared a jot. I reached a point where I used to fantasize about leaving him although I was well aware I had to put the children first. I met my lovely man 3 months before I moved out.

I took the decision to leave the eldest 2 with him (they were 23 and 22) I brought the youngest (16) with me. It was a little bizzare as my mans youngest son who was 14 was friends with my son. Neither of us knew this when we met!!

Anyway since the day my son walked into our new home he has been hell bent on being awkward, difficult, he''s lied to us, he''s been kicked out of college, he refuses to abide by any rules, he tells my new man that he hates him, he has fallen out with his son and now he won''t come to the house (my son threatened violence against him)

My man has now said that he fears for us whilst my son is still around and has expressed his thoughts that he''s given him enough chances. My son will be 18 in May and my man wants him to go live at his fathers.

I just don''t know what to do. I love my man so so much, he''s what I always dreamt of in a guy and I know he loves me dearly. I just have a sick feeling of guilt that if I send son back to his dad''s.. what life will he have. His older brother is still there, but our daughter moved out only a month or two of me leaving. But I keep telling myself that he''s 18 almost and therefore an adult.

it'' small consolation that son will have the support of his brother and of course he can visit me anytime. I don''t know what his father will have to say as I haven''t broached this with him yet.. he''s away with his girlfriend.

In the back of my mind I think, son will grow up and leave me one day anyway, do I put him first and let go the love of my life or do I abandon (thats what it feels like) him and hope he doesn''t end up hating me?

It''s all diving me mad, the arguments are stressful and I''m not sure if I''m coming or going anymore.


Some impartial advice would be great.. and thanks for letting me offload

xx

Eighteen year olds are still children really. For years your focus has really been on your children, and now it''s on someone else, so it''s not surprising that your son is acting up. It must be really frightening for him that you are so in love just as he is supposed to be becoming independent.

I don''t think you should send your son back to his dad''s. That would really be rejection, and you might well lose him. You would also send him from living with your new partner to living with your ex''s new partner, which is no better, I suspect. You probably need to spend more time with him. He''s jealous of your new partner, and probably has good reason to be. The problem with new partners is that you choose them, but your children don''t, and yours has been foisted on your son just as he was trying to come to terms with the breakup of his own family.

This might be a bit drastic, but one possibility would be for you and your current partner to live separately for a few years, until both your sons grow up. If it''s really a relationship for life, that''s not too much of a time to wait, but it would give everyone some space and make both sons feel they have been prioritised. How do you think your partner''s son feels? He is choosing you over having his son in his home? Be the adults here, and postpone your happiness for a few years so that the children can finish growing up in more secure circumstances.

Best wishes,
Sadie

You should look into Relate counselling. They work with children of separated families so it might help. They may also work with you to help you deal with the fallout from the end of your marriage.

You might also read this article .

It appears from your post that you have been living with your new partner for a couple of years, but remember that the upheaval of being separated from his siblings and his father was a life changing event at a time when emotional maturity and stability was (and is) not at it''s highest point. As Sadie also says, he now may feel he has to compete for your affections with your new man.

It may very well take him years to get over this life changing event and perhaps you have unrealistic expectations of him.

While we''re not here to judge or be judged, your post doesn''t show much empathy for your son''s circumstances. It would be understandable that your patience has worn thin but without some understanding of his frame of mind, which perhaps might mean accepting some blame for the situation, you will find it very difficult to relate to your son.

Under the circumstances it will be very difficult to refocus your own thoughts but I used to find that when my step son had been trying my patience for a few days my emotional reserves for dealing with him were low. I found that having a day off was essential, be that a day out by myself or with the family. You can''t refocus on the important things if nothing ever changes.

Hi Maddison. This sort of thing happens a lot when you essentially join two families. But it can be over come. But your son needs to do a lot of growing up. Maybe a spell with his dad may do him good. Not sure.

It could be that your youngest felt that he had some man of the house roles as your ex didnt do a lot for you. This condition happens a lot with young male''s and its not always the oldest. And you moving in with your new man, may have brought things to a head. Difficult to say. But he is having his chains rattled a bit.

As for your kids, they have to be your number one priority. And you should let your new man know this. And your new man, being and adult and a father himself, will understand this. Also, you are a package. Accept you and he will also have to accept what you come with. Unruly son and all.

But this can be worked out. Your man has to have nerves of steel for one. Not go to far with him and ask him to hold his tongue. He cant start saying things to your son. That is for you todo. Even though its his home. Its yours also.

I would have a long talk with your man. Get his backing and form a plan. One that means your man takes a back seat with your son and is supportive towards you. And just tough this one out. Yr son will grow up one day and you can put this behind you. But for now, it will put you both under a lot of strain. It would be the same if your man was the lads natural father. Hope it goes OK. C.

Thank you for all your replies.

Just to clarify, my ex lives alone .. well with our eldest son, ex''s girlfriend only visits on weekends.

He''s never been the man of the house having had an older brother (and sister) The house we live in now, we all moved in together so it''s a new home for all of us.

My son has always been a little problematic.. trouble with the police, (not for anything major.. more for running around on buildings.. he''s into free running) If he gets upset.. he smashes things up and disapears for hours on end. (Once a few years ago a police helicopter was deployed to look for him)All that said... I do love him and back when I asked him if he wanted to come with me or stay with his dad... if he''d had said "stay with dad" then I wouldn''t have argued. I just thought I''d be best placed to deal with him. I was wrong!

My man works away alot and if I ask son to do something, he does it first go... if I ask him to do something when my man is home, he refuses, creates a stir and it causes bad feeling.

He''s never ever going to like my new man... that I can accept, but my main worry is.. do I fight to keep him knowing full well that my on will drive my man away eventually.. which is what I''m sort of thinking that my son wants.

There will only be a matter of 7 miles between the two homes so distance will not be a problem and I''m hoping that as he grows older, he''ll come to realise that I''ve only ever done what I thought best.

My problem now remains... what is ex won''t have him... That will be a whole new can opened!

Thank you all again for your words, it''s nice to have unbiased advice..

xx

Have you had the discussion with your son about moving back to dads?

If sons says yes then ask dad. If son says no, you will have to consider different options or you will lose him and that will cause heartbeak and resentment which could potential harm new relationship as much as current situation is.

Obviously your son has not accepted your affair or the bloke that you committed adultery with.He has worked at showing how much he hates it.
The living arrangement hasn''t worked out.
The new bloke is only interested in you he never signed on for the young man who hates him living there too.
Obviously the tax credits will be stopped when he hits 18 and without your son being a government funded cash generator.It''s time for your man to cut him loose.
I expect your husband will think feck me what a pair of selfish xxxxx as soon as the moneys gone they''ve outed him I know I would.
It''s only been a very short lived arrangement he was 16 when you left and not even 18 before your wonderful man wants to give him the boot.The damage is already done.
HRH