problems with second wife

What an awful situation. Your wife''s behavior is clearly not reasonable and there may well be factors contributing to this. However, since you are unaware of them (and until you become so) you are left trying to manage it. I think it''s a mistake to either encourage or enable unreasonable behavior, so it becomes your responsibility to introduce reason, I''m afraid. I wouldn''t be insensitive (I''m sure you''re not) but I would be firm. There are a number of people involved in your situation, from your children with your ex, your children with your current wife, your extended family, your father, your wife, you... all being affected by it.

There needs to be some clear boundaries. I can totally appreciate your fear of a second divorce. I''m twice divorced and I know that I tolerated some grossly unreasonable things in my second marriage through fear of second divorce. But it''s a mistake and sets up a future that neither of you will tolerate.

Continue to talk to her but at the same time, do what you can to protect your other relationships. You need to be clear in your own mind what is right for you and work toward that. I think you also need to give real thought to how far you will go in your wife''s wishes before deciding enough is enough. If you think it''s wrong, it''s better to nip it earlier than later since you both risk becoming ''set'' in a situation that gets harder to change.

Somewhere in your wife''s understanding of things, I believe she will know that what she is doing is unreasonable. If she loves you then she has to be prepared to compromise - that''s what marriage is all about. If she is genuinely unwilling to compromise her feelings in managing yours, there will come a crunch time. Right now, there appears to be an expectation that her feelings should matter more than yours. Can you live with that indefinitely?

Shezi

Totally agree with Shezi here. From what you say your wife''s behaviour is baffling so there must be a reason for it that perhaps she can''t tell you about.
What was her relationship with your dad like before your mums death? I know this is horrible to consider but if she was close to your mum does she know something about your family that perhaps you don''t?
Awful awful situation for you but I don''t think you should avoid tackling things for fear of another divorce - living like that will just wear you down.
Could you sit down with your wife and tell her honestly and frankly how this whole situation is baffling to you and how it is making you feel?