Update on this crazy situation!!

Losing hope

(((Hugs))) spooky & Julie are right - blood it thicker than water. Also you don''t know what they are being told by your x, neith do you know what they believe ... It is all down to individual perception I am afraid.

After 22+ years I was cut out of my mil & extended families lives. At first I tried to maintain contact but it just didn''t work - I really didn''t know (still don''t know) what my x is telling his family re me, nor do I know what they are "guessing" about our divorce etc etc. and you know what - I am at the point now where I really don''t care

It doesn''t matter what they think, it really doesn''t - you stay true to yourself, you don''t dis x in front of children (many a time had to go into bedroom & shout into a pillow lol ) don''t engage in arguments with your x - treat them as a business partner who you are no longer doing business with - be polite, firm and detached (hard I know but once you start this it gets easier).

Basically - until x does the drugs & hair strand test & proves he is no longer on drugs he uses a contact centre - it is his choice, you have to protect your children & if the shoe was on the other foot he would do the same.

Have a great Christmas day you & your little ones & then Boxing Day go to family & enjoy that, pay no need to your x and his extended family - you have nothing to prove to them, they can believe what they like. When everyone has grown up a bit then it can all move on until then a dignified distance is what is needed, do not respond to any messing about YOU are bigger than that.

Stay strong JJx

How I feel for your situation and your hurt. I remember those despairing days. It is madness. There is alot going on for you, there are so many people involved and it is creating alot of noise in your head that is making it difficult for you to differentiate the really important issues from those that have little or no importance.

Having a calm(er) day at home with your babies may be just what you need over Christmas, without the relatives in your face.
Focus on your babies and don''t waste your time on what others believe, let them get on with it. You haven''t got to prove anything to them - but it''s natural that being under so much stress and hurt you want love and support desperately and goodness knows you need it.

Sadly it does not always come from the areas you naturally look to, where you always thought you would find it. Constantly trying to prove that you are not in the wrong to the relatives costs you far too much in stress and anxiety for far too little benefit. You know what''s what and on some level so do they - they just don''t want to accept it, leave it there.

Your ex didnt take the tests, he lives with the consequences. Unfortunately it affects you and the children too but that''s not in your control. You can not control his actions. Leave it there.

If you can''t leave it, and it is hard, at least decide you are going to put it out of your mind until the new year. Give yourself a break.

Don''t waste time fretting over what you can''t change this Christmas. Put your children at the centre of your day. Try to keep the magic for them. They are not little for long and one Christmas wasted is like water spilled - you can''t get it back in the jug.

Very best wishes Nige.

Thank so very much for your replies, there is real clarity in this madness which I desperately need!!
His mum rang last night after I firwarded a load more abusive texts my uncle forwarded me that he received from ex

His mum said she thought maybe ex had too much time on his hands and was lonely living in his little flat and sad he doesn''t get to see the children much
I said ''right okay then I have to go now because I cannot even begin to understand your answers to his actions and hung up

He is lonely in his flat because he attacked me, because he chose to cheat on me throughout our marriage, he chooses drugs over his children, maybe he should get a hobby instead if abusing my family and friends, when the kids go to bed at 7 every night I don''t write, text and call his friends and family!!!

So anyway my heavy drinking has stopped this last few nights as I am busy completing my form E, printing out bank statements etc
Initially I was going to offer him 20% of equity but as he didnt put a penny into the marital home I am printing and proving he shouldn''t get anything

Screw him!

I am now going to ignore calls and texts from his family til New Year

Oh one last thing, in his last solicitor letter he asked to see the children a few days before and after Xmas, I got really upset to see he doesn''t want to see them at Xmas and was going to request he has them Xmas Eve, his mum tells me I have said he can''t have them!!
I have showed all solicitor letters and he hasn''t showed them one and still they take his word

Face palm!!

LF (((hugs))) first but then this may be harsh so apologies too ... & this is just my experiance so here goes ...

Throughout the 20+ years of being together with my x there was alway drama .. Drinking, falling out, walking out, kids in trouble, family trouble oh I could go on for ever. When x left the drama ended ... What a shock!! At first I found I couldn''t cope without the drama .. Ended up talikg to x more than we had in the last 2 yrs, answering / arguing listening to friends & family etc etc then I woke up & thought NO I''ve had enough & stopped it. Even the kids mentioned how much calmer the house was, eldest stopped getting into trouble with the police (the day after x left eldest left his old friends) - life is good now I have weened myself of the drama & I love it.

So I am asking could it be that you have got use to / are a bit hooked on the drama? No offence intended I didn''t realise I had & needed counselling to help me ween off it.

My advice to you (& feel free to drop it like a hot stone) ...
Contact your local relate unit & ask if you can attend counselling (they can tell when you really need it - had me in within a week)
Do not drink to solve your problems ... It will only make the problems worse (after the initial numbing is over)
Eat little & often but make sure you look after yourself physically & mentally - your kids need you
Throw yourself into getting things sorted / Christmas whatever keeps you busy - keep busy
Do not ans txts from your x or his family stright away - leave it overnight if you can & if you feel they need answering (you might not) then do so the next day
Do not pull in other members of your / his family ask them to block their phones if ness (not their business & shouldn''t be upset by it) etc
Keep all txts in a folder on your phone
Try to have the no contact rule ... Difficult with kids I know but you can limit I as much as possible with you.

Try all of the above for a day, then a week, then longer ... You will be surprised at yourself (how strong you can be) & it will help you cope.

Come on here to rant / for advice etc whenever you need it, come here first before venting to family / friends sometimes its enough. & take notice of the bits of advice you want to & those that you don''t want (including mine forget).

Really rooting for you as know how easy it is to get caught up in all this.

Stay strong JJx

I changed my mobile number as he kept texting me and it was stressing me out, got a cheap pay as you go mobile for when he calls the children once a week, he still abuses me on this phone however it only gets turned on for an hour every week so I don''t deal with it
He abuses my family knowing it will get back to me, this is the only way (apart from his pathetic solicitor letters and withholding finances) he can get to me

Your right going to have a week off now and ignore all correspondence from them

He is toxic

(((Hugs LH)))

I honestly don''t think that they "the X''s" realise the gravity of what they are doing, yes toxic may be right but in his eyes at the moment it may seem perfectly normal / expected etc ESP when drugs are involved.

Well done for the extra mobile, again keep all txts as you may need these. As for contacting your family it hard (luckily I didn''t have this had stuff at work via a friend of a friend etc ... But not family) perhaps they should have a standard line, "this is between x & y & toning to do with me therefore pls don''t contact me again" etc it may help?

other wikis are more experianced than I in this area, but at the end of the day I think you could go to court / police if need be & get a harassment order to try & stop it?

Finances are another issue for control, been there done that I have all these sorted now but have taken x to court for non payment (without sols) - ''twas hard work & gut renching in court, but judge was really good & have had no probs so far with it.

It is a matter of control, we can do nothing tho "fix" the situation, I found that once I changed may reactions to X''s demands this (eventually) changed the situation & lessened the control. Now we basically have very limited contact re kids & that suits us both better.

Stay strong JJx

The divorce should be between you and him.
Dragging in the relatives from either side by either party just adds to Jeremy Kyleness of the situation.
Personally I''d write a solicitors letter to him explaining again that whilst you are not opposed to him seeing the kids that is on the conditions of him having the drug test as already agreed.
Until such time contact will not be happening.
I''d also email all parties involved on his and yours that the divorce is running out of control with all the various parties and opinions and hearsay being dragged into it and that from now on it will be a matter between you and him only and you will not be entering into any further discussion with anyone on the divorce or child contact other than the kids father directly.
Therefore all extenuating animosities between parties are pointless.
Sometimes in life you need to stand up in the middle and tell everyone to feck off and that it has nothing to do with them.
All the best
HRH xx