I''m broken and distraught

It''s my fault and I know it. Things weren''t right in our marriage, and I tried to talk to her, but she didn''t want to talk about it. But it doesn''t excuse the stupid, drunken mistake I made. One of her friends, had come on to me over the past few months and I was weak.

In 2 days I had confessed and started the journey to where I am now nearly 2 years later. I tried everything I could to say sorry, but I knew that we also needed to resolve some underlying issues too. I suggested and we went to Relate. They told us that these things rarely happen for no reason, but she saw that as me trying to dodge responsibility for what had happened.
I admit I made mistakes during that time, but she didn''t like to way I tried to make it work. The one thing she wanted - a trial separation, I couldn''t do. I just couldn''t bear to spend time away from my daughters. Also, as I suspected that things were heading downhill, I knew (rightly as it turned out) that leaving the home would effectively remove my rights as a Father and my girls rights to have the best possible relationship with me under the circumstances.

So around 6 months ago, she announced it was over. After some wrangling, she agreed to 50/50 equal shared care of our girls. It didn''t last long. Solicitors got involved and she withdrew that offer. We''ve agreed to go to mediation but that has yet to happen. We still haven''t told the girls.
Then last night she went to a birthday party with the girls and the ow was there. The ow ended up screaming at my stbx in front of the children. I still don''t know how much or what they heard, but my eldest was in tears. We argued when she got back, and was understandably angry at me. She went from saying that it wasn''t in their best interests to hear why we''re separating, to saying they deserved to know the truth, then back again. I''m guessing there are lots of people who were at the party who will now know what happened.

I have to creep down to the spare room at midnight, then get up before the kids so they don''t suspect anything. I''m so tired, I want to just give in to her. I know it''s nothing compared to what I put her through. I''m torn. Maybe I deserve every other weekend and 1 night in the week. Perhaps that should be my punishment. I just know it''s not the best possible arrangement for my beautiful, innocent girls. I don''t know what to do.

HLD

How old are your girls? I know from experience that you cannot hid things from your kids, they are not daft, whatever their age they pick up on moods, actions, the atmosphere & tbh the not knowing the problem / having parents who don''t admit there is a problem can make it worse for them.

Sorry if this is harsh, but my x & I tried to hide our issues for at least 10 yrs for the sake of the kids, when it all kicked off (with ow or none have never had that bit confirmed & tbh don''t care now) the kids came clean with a mixture of relief / anger at being treated the way they were). Personally, I put some of the issues that my eldest had (with the "wrong" crowd, arguments, police etc etc) to the way we as parents were acting / hiding issues from them, just so happened as soon as x left all the eldest angst stopped (was it related I don''t know, but in hindsight).

I know you are sorry for what has happened, but it may be too little too late for your x & there may be no way back. I think now that you need to move forward (whichever way) talk to your kids together, yes you may be splitting but you are divorcing each other not them, you will always be there for your girls (& if you make that promise you have to keep it, be consistent always). They do not need to know the full reasons for the split, (mostly this will depend on your x & you (& perhaps others ... Thinking party) acting as adults & not overgrown children, don''t diss your x in front of them, be the bigger person. I have often had to say to my kids, that people are different & have their own reasons for things & the way they act / react to things, hence the differences in event with x & myself, but have tried to the best of my ability not to be awful re x, he is thill their farther & I still want them o have a relationship with him & his family (not reciprocated me thinks but heyho).

Stay strong (you have to for our kids) JJx

Thank you so much for your reply.
The only reason we haven''t told them yet, is because we wanted to be able to tell them exactly what the arrangements would be at the same time. We thought this best rather than telling them, then going through a long drawn out battle over childcare. Now I''m not so sure.
They are 7 and 10, and yes I''m sure the eldest knows something is wrong.
I know it''s too late for us, and that makes me sad that we didn''t make it to the finish line. But I would never insult their mum to them. I just want the best possible chance of not screwing up their lives.

HLD

7 & 10 are young, but yes I would suspect your eldest will know, the only problem is reading your post & re the agreed 50/50 contact which is now refused, it may (hope not) but may get messy between you & your stbxw. You need to be ready for this, in my case i was accused of starting all sorts of rumors about my x, all of which I hadn''t heard of until I was accused! In the end I removed myself from our "circle" of friends as everything either came back or was used against me. But that is all water under the brige now.

There is a wealth of advice on here regarding "telling the children" have a look, also I used info from relate for the same. My kids were older eldest was surprisingly grown up about it all (doesn''t see x much now, as more drinking buddies than parent / child). Youngest took it hard, still is a bit & have to try hard here.

My advice, get reading, agree with your x as to how you handle the children (not always easy to do / wasn''t able to in my case) & be the best dad you can be, if yew try our best then at least we can look Vick & know that.

JJx

Half,

You sound like a reasonable guy who has made a mistake. You aren''t the first and you won''t be the last!

I had the same experience of treading on eggshells with my ex while living together. Everything I did was not good enough. I look back on that as the most miserable time in my life. It actually makes me shudder with the pain and futility of it all.

The thing to avoid is the armeggedon scenario. Divorce is not armeggedon (its painful, but ultimately ok).

Amaggedon is years of litigation, withheld contact, hatred....I could go on and if you read enough Wiki threads you will discover it can get worse and worse and worse.

For a working man, an angry ex wife creates carnage by taking as much money as she can and then messing around with contact. Don''t play that game.

A very wise person said to me at the beginning of my journey ''deal with the money and then relax about everything else''. I didn''t really understand that at the time as I thought there was justice, but looking back after years of litigation it was the best possible advice.

Winning and losing post divorce is not about whether you do or do not see your children, it is about whether you do or do not carry anger. If your wife withholds contact, there is nothing you can do about it, so don''t even bother trying and just relax.

I appreciate your comments rugby333. I need to keep my sanity in a crazy situation. I''m not even sure though, how I''d cope with 50% less time with my girls, let alone even what is being suggested.

I will also do what JJ says, I''ll do my best to be the best Dad I can. I''ve been reading morning, noon and night about how children can best cope with separation. I just hope we can make it amicable if possible.

I would focus less on percentages and more on practicality.

Your alternate weekend contact could consist of 4 nights. Thurs, Fri, Sat and sun and your midweek 2 nights Thurs/Fri.

The most important thing for children of separated parents is continuity.