Think this will end in divorce now

I have been trying so hard to give my husband the benefit of the doubt after his three month affair with a chinese woman whilst working over there on a one year contract (he swears it's over). Have been in contact with him and even tried supporting him through what he calls a breakdown and depression but feel he is taking the micky out of me somewhat - last couple of days has rung me in the morning and asked to talk to me later in the day on Skype/Messenger but then not been around in the evening to speak (working apparently) and is generally not showing any signs of wanting to get help which is what I asked for if we could even begin to make a go of things.

Anyway I am really p***d today and am thinking if I do divorce what is the best thing for me to do financially? I work part-time in a school, two boys 16 and 11, only earn £550 a month plus child benefit. I have seen a full-time job in local paper today for £25,000 a year which I am qualified for but my question is do I go for it (even though I will not be around in the holidays and feel that my 11 year old especially needs me around as he is having trouble coping with our situation and is showing signs of going off the rails if I am not careful) or would I be better off relying on husbands financial support and working tax credits. I am not a lazy person and would do whatever needs to be done so my children don't suffer too much money wise but I don't want to sacrifice time with them if I wouldn't be financially better off.

We have a £90,000 mortgage on a house worth appx £280,000.

I did have half hour with a solicitor who said I was entitled to spousal maintenance and child maintenance due to length of marriage and would probably qualify for a 'mesher order'.

I am having one of those days when I feel like I will screw him for every penny I can even though today he told me 'if I'm not working at the end of the year I can't pay can I?'. I think that is just a threat but I don't know him anymore. I hate wanting to hurt someone so much and loving them at the same time if that makes sense!


Any advice would be appreciated!


Linda

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I'm in a similar situation, husband works abroad, thought he could have some 'fun' and no one would get hurt, but they did, me! Unfortunately he loves this other women and intends setting up home with her and starting a family (something he told me he didn't want, hence I'm childless, b*****d!).

Anyway enough about me, just wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through.

I had the same problem and decided to increase my hours at work, but that was me. Personally if I were you I'd put getting a full-time job on hold at the moment and concentrate on your son. Children are very precious, there will be other jobs but your son needs you. Why should he suffer because his Dad is an idiot and can't see what he's got.

I know what you mean about loving someone and hating them at the same time. I still love my husband very much but I also want to make him pay for all the hurt and misery he's caused.

I really hope things work out for you, it might take a long time and things won't be easy but you have two wonderful children so you are a very lucky lady.

Take care

Mad x

Dear Mad

You poor thing - I am so sorry your husband has treated you this badly - you do not deserve that - none of us on here do. You understandably feel betrayed and hurt but I guess you must ask the question is this really the man you would want to be the father of your children?

Your words of encouragement are gratefully received and I think you are right - my heart tells me to stay around and be here for my son a bit longer and let his father worry about the money side of things after all he was the one who put me and my children in this position. However, I do not want them to suffer in terms of all the things children of their age need in terms of clubs, school trips etc. Just want to give them what they deserve both love and money. My husband has been a wonderful father to them both and we are all reeling from his behaviour now but I am getting so mad about it all - I want him to pay although I know that's not the right thing for the kids and I will always put them first - they didn't ask for this mess.

I am sure you will go on to meet someone in time and hopefully have a wonderful family of your own.

Linda

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Thank you so much for your kind words Linda, they made me cry, not a bad thing because I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now (after weeks and weeks of crying every day). I've been trying to be strong but am feeling a lot better now, it doesn't do you any good keeping things bottled up. Thank you.

Since finding Wiki I still find it totally amazing that people going through such an awful time themselves and with so many problems, most bigger than mine, can still find the time and effort to help other people. It does make you realise that there are some really good people out there.

You are obviously a really lovely lady, your husband must be mad, and I'm sure in time he'll realise this, his loss.

Mad x

Mad

You've made me cry now! I hadn't cried for about six weeks and then on Sunday (as you will see from my posts on here) I cried all day - felt dreadful but feel okay again the last few days. This is what you will find happens to you - good days, bad days, sad days, mad days - I have learnt to accept them for what they are and not fight them (not that I want to have another day like Sunday for a while!). Today is a 'mad' day and I think they are good because the anger gets you motivated to take control and not let them allow you to be a victim. People want to help because most people on here know what your pain feels like and I can only thank you for your lovely post and wish you well

You will get through this.

((((HUGS)))


Linda

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Hi Linda
I'm in a similar position in some respects to you, I was married just over 20 yrs, 3 children aged 11, 16 and 18.
My ex left me about 6 wks ago, 2 weeks after he moved out he moved his ex girlfriend of 26 yrs before in(she had contacted him through friends reunited-it certainly reunited them!).I work p/time taking home approx £525 per month. I looked at going full-time but it really wasn't worth my while as I'd loose out on wtc and ctc.I also think my children and home would suffer if I worked full-time plus I have health issues.I'm also in a better bargaining position with regards to the divorce as my ex is quite a high wage earner. He too has threatened to pack his job in so he wouldn't have to pay any maintenance. I don't think he would as his new girlfriend wouldn't want him if he didn't have any money. If you go on the tax credits website you can enter some details on there and it calculates what you should be entitled to. It may be worth having a look just to see if it would be worth your while but personally I would advise to wait a while before going full-time until you feel your children are ready.
Good luck in what ever you decide.

Hi Jenny

Our situations are very similar aren't they? I think people think as your children get older it's easier to work full-time but I have found they need you around more as they move into those teenage years - if nothing else just to make sure they are spending holidays etc. doing constructive things rather than just hanging around. Both my boys are very actively involved in football and sport and are I am forever driving them here there and everywhere for games and training etc. My eldest has the chance of playing for Bishop's Stortford reserves next season and will need me to drive him around three or four times a week quite long distances so coupled with a full time job and running a house would be quite exhausting to say the least! I do not want them to have to give these activities up because I feel they are a very important aspect of their lives as equally as important as their education.

I have been advised by several people now to sit tight and wait for financial settlement from husband if we do divorce because obviously the more I am earning like yourself sometimes the worse off you will be.

What a horrible way for your husband to re-unite - I think modern technology has a lot to answer for these days - I know my husband wouldn't have found it so easy to conduct his affair without his precious mobile phone and constant texts to his girlfriend.

We deserve better after giving so many years to a marriage and family.

Take care

Linda

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