when do you say enough is enough/

God, I'm new to this site but I've been flicking thru the forum and after reading bits from hadenoughnow and kathleen, had to add my own experiences of living with a husband who has been ill with depression for most of our marriage.
To cut a long story short,he had breakdown six months after married,I supported him all thru traetment,court case etc and he started to come out the other side nearly two yaers ago.But he still always makes more of an effort with other people, makes me feel like I am worst wife in world.
During illness he ran up massive debt on ebay,nearly lost us the house.We managed clear it from comp,but despite promises he still insists on buying more, now we have a loft full of junk and he is rapidly using up all comp.I have just found out that he has been using his mothers name and address to buy more too and that he hid nearly 5k from me last year just so he could use to buy more.
We been going relate over year, havent had physical relationship since he became ill and I'm just exhausted and can't trust him anymore.
But,do I blame his illness and give him yet another chance or is he just using the illness as an excuse to get away with murder?
Comments appreciated x x

Leaving him might just be the push he needs to get it sorted. Or it might push him over the edge. Judgement call, I'm afraid.

Either way, you're thinking about divorce, or you wouldn't be here. And if you're considering it, then you've answered your own question.

Hi TRT,
He already moved out to his parents three months ago and despite threats hasn't done anything to himself.He seems to be getting on with pampered life nicely down there, just managing to keep me on tenterhooks by saying he'll stop buying/seek help etc, then when I ask him to move back he does summit to sabotage i.e buys again or looks at porn sites on my comp!

Sounds like he has an established pattern of behaviour. If he genuinely cares about you, then he WILL change if he thinks he is going to lose you. If he doesn't care, then you don't want to be married to him, right?

I would say he has exhibited unreasonable behaviour; so, have a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor. A divorce is a lot, a LOT of form filling and hard work, but it's not necessary to go it alone.

Quietly, calmly and gently bring it up as the first topic of conversation when you see him. Don't leave it to be as a response to something. Don't say anything in anger or with an angry tone in your voice.

Try "John, I wanted to talk to you about what's been going through my mind recently. Let me finish before you say anything. I do not like the way you've lied to me and concealed your spending. I do not like that you have moved to your parents rather than be with me. I do not like it that you view pornography, let alone on my computer. I think your behaviour is unreasonable. I cannot change it for you; you are the only one who can change yourself. You have not shown me that you are serious about changing it, and I am not going to live like this any more. I have made a decision - I am going to petition for a divorce on the grounds of your behaviour. Now you can speak."

Scared ..

I did not realise how much my stbx was manipulating me until a counsellor helped me to see it.
He always claimed I took a simplistic view of his problems. But he did nothing to help himself at all - quite the opposite and made mine - and the children's - life a complete misery. We had endless broken promises and protestations ... but nothing changed; in fact it only got worse. I was permanently stressed and exhausted and became a very different person.

It was not until he was no longer here that I realised how much strain we had all been under. Its a bit like stopping hitting your head against a wall. People commented on how cheerful I looked; the children visibly relaxed and together we have started to enjoy ourselves as we should. I'm still scared witless about money every now and again and do really regret that he turned out to be so very different from the man I married - and that my children do not know what a good father is like. BUT I know that our life is better without him.

He is still attempting to manipulate me .. and the legal system with his "illness." I sincerely hope that his claims that his needs should be priority will come to nothing when we get into court. In any case I don't think he can be that ill judging by the spending habits that his bank statements reveal ...

If your husband hasn't got better after everything you have been through .. then I am afraid there is a fair chance he won't. If you do divorce, he recovers and you decide you want to try again some way down the line, that will be your decision. I would say that you need to have some control back in your life; a chance to relax and make him someone else's problem. Only when you are back to being yourself can you objectively decide if you are prepared to go back to making the sacrifices you have been up to now. Remember the marriage vows are a 2 way contract - and he does not seem to have been keeping his side of the deal.

Do what you can to safeguard your finances, come on here and talk to people in chat, maybe ask your GP about seeing a counsellor - and if you possibly can go and do something for yourself - that you have always wanted to do - book a week long pottery course or something. It is so liberating to be with people who know nothing about you or your past. You can choose what you tell them; you can choose to be whoever you want to be .. because now it is YOUR choice.

Good Luck

Hadenoughnow

Thanks TRT, he rang literally a minute ago and I pretty much said that to him.
I've said he has to come back to me by tomorrow am as to whether he is willing to try and that he will do whatever neccessary to prove it.If he can't or doesn't come back to me I know I've laid everything out in the open and told him his behaviour unacceptable to me.

Thanks hadenoughnow
I've already taken half the money out of our joint account and dealt with his how dare you's?
What you've said about him getting treatment and not putting my life on hold in the meantime makes sense, I almost think he won't do anything about it while he thinks i'm still supporting him.I'd love to go away and do something just for me but I'm worried about the finances, dunno why cos he certainly isn't.I'm also worried about him coming into house while i'm away and taking stuff.
I do feel better at times now I'm not living under the same roof as him, it's the constant rollercoaster that's difficult to handle;each time i've made a decision he changes his behaviour to confuse me.As you say it's also the loss cos he's not the person I married, but i keep thinking he might be still, somewhere underneath all the cxxp.
Thanks again any more insights appreciated x