Am I mad?

Hi everyone,

To give a bit of background me and my stbx split in May this year and he moved out at beginning of June. Within days he had met someone and started a relationship with her telling me he had met the love of his life and loved her deeply!
I found this really distressing and I have to say I crumbled and it was left to family and friends to help me pick up the pieces.
All the time he was seeing her he had no interest in the children or me and could not really give a crap about how I was - he was happy and had moved on and told me that was what I should do!

Anyway at the end of last week he started showing an interest in the kids which I found unusual and as I suspected his relationship with the love of his life had broken down. He is devastated and looks like I did when he left.

The difference between me and him is I had family and friends to 'look after' me - he has no one. He has no friends and he is not close to his family.

I have spent hours on the phone trying to help him and telling him it gets better. I have invited him round to talk when he had no where else to go. I genuinely care that he is upset and wanted to help him.

My family think I am mad - after all the things he has said and done to me they say I should just leave him to it. But as other people on this forum say I have feelings for this man - I spent 12 years with him and it is hard not to feel sorry for him.

Am I being a mug and fool - I know if the shoe was on the other foot or if his relationship was still thriving he wouldn't give me a backwards glance.

He is in such a dark place at the moment and says he wants to die - i feel duty bound to stop this happening as he is still the father of my children

Please yours views would be much appreciated.

Hi
I guess he has now found out the grass wasn't quite as green as it looked.
The bit "within days", that is when he told you but in all probability that had been an on-going situation before hand.

I don't think you are mad to want to help him, although he has no right to expect you to.
Be very careful he doesn't try and work his way back into your life though, unless you are very very sure that is what you want. He has left once and chances are would do so again

LB

I don't know...all I can say is..It is always 'all about them'!
You know that he wouldn't give you a second thought, as you've said that yourself...I can understand that part of you still cares for him..but I can tell you that even now, he is not thinking about how he treated you he is thinking on how HE can hurt less...and get YOU to sympathise, and look after him, and/or possibly take him back...
If he met another woman who took his fancy, he would be off like a shot again!

Yes I think LB and Killbill are right.

"Within days he had met someone and started a relationship with her telling me he had met the love of his life and loved her deeply"

..er yes right! That old chestnut!

No you are not mad - him keeping things together will have a positive impact on the kids giving him some support is only natural, but I would keep this "professional" non emotional like you were a counsellor, tough love even - but do not let him worm his way back in.

He now has a opportunity to learn that the only person to make you happy is yourself and being in a relationship is now substitute for inner happiness.

Many of our ex's who leave, have affairs or move on quickly set themselves up and tell us how happy they are and what a loser we are, it a big gamble. As they say in business "be careful how you treat people on the way up..." for us the only way is up! (in time of course!)

Just be careful don't get sucked in.

Take care

Hi
thanks for your replies - I don't believe he was seeing this other person whilst we were together.
He has readily admitted he was on a dating website meeting people for coffee before he moved out - trying to find someone who wanted him apparently.
Not great and it hurts like hell that whilst I was worrying about the kids, he was worrying about how lonely he would feel without someone.

Yes I understand it is difficult to get sucked back into it all again and I am desperately trying not to. SO HARD though when all I wanted a couple of weeks ago was him to tell me he wanted me.
When he came round the other night we ended up in bed and that didn't make me feel any better as he told me that it wasn't very good!

How do we ever know what is the right thing to do? I have told him that before you can enter a new relationship you have to love yourself and he doesn't know how to do this.
Should tell him to read Sairs' blogs lol.

God this is all such a bloody mess

I agree with Killbill here.He just doesn't want to be alone *BooHoo poor him*

Once someone else takes his fancy, you wont see him for dust, until THAT relationship all goes T*ts up. He sounds like an arrogant selfish man, and you should just kick him into touch. Don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you can *and WILL* be better off without him

Take care

I'm sort of in a similar position in that stbx's relationship is not sparking on all cylinders and he is very very lonely. I alternate between feeling sad for him and feeling guiltily pleased that that it's gone t*ts up.

However the reality is that consolation from me isn't what he wants - he still does not understand that there are no external answers to his own self destructiveness. And though the thought still makes me cry, the reality is that I would never ever have him back.

Positive, don't get sucked back in. You need to keep him at arm's length treat him like a stranger - cos despite all you time together, that's what he has become. It ain't your job to fix him - it's his.